Everything In Between

The past week has felt like months, though I can only remember 3 days clearly. Read that sentence one more time and tell me if it makes any sense to you, becuase it sure as hell confuses me.

It’s been nearly impossible to sleep. Or more accurately, it’s been very difficult to get myself to fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping just fine, but only after staying up for hours on end. This happens a lot but each time it does I’m left to obey the whims of my sarcadian rhythms rather than my own plans. That’s what’s really bothersome about it: I can’t fall asleep when I want to, only when I’m tired.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really been able to do what I wanted when I’m awake either. I’d like to have more done than what is currently done. I’d like to have more templates for this site, I’d like to have written more, and I’d like to have more paid projects to work on.

There is likely some kind of connection between my own productivity or lack thereof and my sarcadian cycles. Of course, I’m not sure if I’m more productive when I can’t sleep and end up online all night or when I behave like a normal human being and work during the day. I have had conflicting experiencees in both cases so my perception is confused.

Online at night I usually do a lot of reading and learning, but I don’t think I’m very constructive. Perhaps this is because I haven’t the space or the equipment. But maybe that’s just what I tell myself in order not to feel too bad. Productivity is like this mythical holy grail of faith. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don’t, and I don’t know how to get it or why I lose it.

Ultimately, insomnia is more frustrating than anything else because it implies boredom. No, I’m not really bored when I can’t sleep because, of course, I do all sorts of things. But I don’t think I’ve ever really done exactly what I’ve wanted to do when I’ve been unable to fall asleep. Perhaps what I’d have liked to do is get to sleep. Afterall, that’s why I’m calling it insomnia, right?