I tried my best to stay awake for the remainder of the day yesterday, after writing my previous blog entry as the sun was rising today. (Well, technically yesterday again, damnit.) I managed to stay awake until slightly after noon. I spoke with Danica in the morning a little bit, after she woke up, but then fell asleep for a few hours.
I woke up a bit past six o’clock. Danica was preparing herself to go out to see Randy. He had called her the day before and asked her out, formally this time, on a dinner date. She told me about it before she went to bed, and had remarked that she was impressed because
for someone like [Randy] asking a girl out is a big deal. (Whatever. I should do the diplomatic thing and say that I have no comment.)
She had planned to leave at seven o’clock, but Randy called her at 6:45 PM and informed her that he was going to be late, possibly very late. Danica stayed here until 8:15 PM, when she finally couldn’t stand being here anymore and left. She had told me before she left that she was planning on sleeping at Randy’s tonight, so I know not to expect her back.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure if the lack of her presence is making things easier or harder for me. It would certainly be easier not having to deal with Danica’s volatile moods as much anymore.
On her way out, for instance, she dropped her headphones and an earpeiece broke on the floor. Frustrated, she got out her iPod’s original packaging but was unable to get it open easily. To top it all off, she had already put her coat on and said she was overheating. All this was just piling up over the fact that she was ticked at having her plans pushed back in the first place.
To calm her down, I ended up opening the iPod’s packaging for her and helped her put the padding covers over the earpieces. I saw her to the door after she got her coat back on (she said she had to take it off) and waved goodbye. Then I went back to my computers.
Another Night Alone
It’s still hard to spend these nights alone. I haven’t been able to put my finger precisely on it ust yet, but I would feel safe to hazard a few guesses. I’m still angry, lonely, and hurt.
This morning I told Danica about what I did when I went out last night. She kept telling me that I’d have another girl falling head over heels in love with me in no time. She was implying that the female acquaintence I went out with was this girl.
I kept telling her that if that were so, that girl would just have to keep tripping over herself because I wasn’t going to catch her; I said I don’t want a romantic relationship now and I meant it. All I want are some friends to keep me company (who are able to see me in person).
I spent much of the rest of the evening burning Danica’s They Might Be Giants CD compilations into my iTunes library. While she was waiting for the minutes to pass so she could go see Randy, we spoke a bit about the CD collection she has. She remarked that one thing he co-worker who spent a year living with his ex-girlfriend constantly complained about was that his ex took a bunch of the good CDs they owned.
I reminded Danica that all of her CDs are just that, her own and not mine. She said she’d like me to rip the ones I liked anyway and I thanked her for that. So I ripped the They Might Be Giants CDs (because they are awesome song-writers), and this one CD called Boys Lie which was playing off her computer before she left. (I could identify with the female vocalists.) There are many others that I think are great which she owns, but I was not interested in fishing through her CDs tonight.
Much later tonight, I finally made myself a decent meal. I’ve been meaning to try out this Japanese fried tofu recipe for some time, but have been unable to find the motivation to try it. I have also not had any appetite for days now.
However tonight, only because I was beginning to feel faint from lack of food, I cooked myself a handful of spahgetti and tossed it onto a bowl with some Ragu tomato sauce I bought a week or two ago. I actually finished the entire bowl, and then ate an apple. Except for a piece of toast I had before I fell asleep this afternoon, this meal is the only thing I’ve eaten all day.
When I went into the kitchen I noticed several things.
First, the lid of the garbage bin I had purchased was still stained with some kind of tea or coffee. I had noticed that yesterday and asked Danica what happened. She just said she’d clean it up. Of course, I was the one who actually cleaned it up before I made myself that bowl of spahgetti today.
Second, there were plenty of dishes still in the sink. A few of them were mine from that morning, but most of them were not. I never did ask her to do dishes, so I suppose it’s unfair that I felt pissed at her for leaving them for me to do. I grumbled angrily to myself but cleaned them all anyway.
This was not really a surprise or anything; I’ve been living with the girl for over a year already so I know what to expect. It was not irritating me because there were dishes to wash that I did not want to wash, rather it was irritating me because it was a reminder of her. I don’t hate the chore so much anyway, and this was the sort of thing I would have been happy to do for a kiss on the cheek when she came home later.
But now, I didn’t want to be reminded of her existence, especially when that would also remind me of where she was most probably located at the moment. (That is, with Randy.) On a broader level, it reminded me that she was also not about to do any changing.
Like I said earlier, I really don’t believe she has the capacity to be self-reliant. Her irritability and frustration as she was leaving the house today showed me that, too. When I told her this flat-out in the morning hours today (should I not have?) she nodded and agreed with me. Then she said something about seeing Randy that night. I felt like I was talking to a wall.
I also noticed that the roses she had bought me the day before Valentine’s Day were almost dead. I had been taking care of these roses with a lot of enthusiasm for the past couple of days, changing their water, feeding them with the little packet of plant food that came with them, trimming the ends off their stems, etc. Now, I didn’t really care that they were dieing.
The enthusiasm stemmed from my need to divert my attention from Danica’s explicit and implicit requests to get back together over the course of the past half week or so. Taking care of these roses let me end the relationship the way I wanted. I knew that these flowers would eventually die no matter how hard I worked to keep them alive, but as long as I was trying to keep these flowers alive instead of my relationship, I would be strong enough not to get back together with her when she asked me to.
Getting her out of my head has been an impossible challenge. Even when I was out of the house last night walking around downtown, I had considered buying her something. I was at the Virgin Megastore in Union Square and bought myself four DVD movies that were on sale.
All together, these were only $48.88, which is actually a pretty good deal, I think.
I bought them because I really like each of these movies and do want to own a somewhat respectable movie library. I’m hoping that sooner, rather than later, I can get my fileserver functioning and will be able to back them all up as well as stream them to my laptop no matter where I am in the world. This will make travelling a lot easier, because I’ll still be able to take my entire movie and music library with me thanks to the wonders of SSH and VLC.
But, I digress. The point is that as I was browsing the shelves of the store, I saw many things that Danica would have loved and I would have bought for her without a second thought had it not been for our recent breakup. These included such things like Mr. Show DVDs, The Office (First and Second Seasons along with The Special), and Fire Walk With Me.
I do honestly hope that Danica is enjoying herself with Randy. Before she left today, while she was desperately trying to kill time, she said a few things that struck me. Most of these things were probably just things she said due to an emotional impulse of one sort or another, and they all had negative connotations about her, her relationship(s), or something related to that.
Among the comments she made was the remark that her relationship with Randy
will be over so quickly. This struck me because she had told me before how much she cared for the boy. (Er, man, or, whatever.) Also, in the morning before I napped this afternoon when she brought up Randy again, I told her that one of the things that had hurt me so much during the past few days was how she had compared me to him.
She had told me that Randy was
more the type of artistic [she] like[s] and that he
is geeky like [me] but more creative in what he does. She apologized profusely when I told her about this, and said that she didn’t remember saying either of those things but that if she had she must have not been thinking clearly. She then told me how brilliant she thought I was, and gushed for a few moments on that subject.
I didn’t say very much, except for mentioning that it really hurt me then and still hurts me now, despite the fact that I appreciated her compliments. It all just goes to highlight the point that the contradictions won’t end, and I can not believe what I hear at any given moment. Actions have always spoke louder than words, and they are somewhat consistent, too.
The Final Death of Past Ghosts
Of course, it is very likely that much of her behavior is triggered by her bipolar disorder. As someone with bipolar disorder myself, I empathize immensely with what she must be going through. In fact, part of why I have been so forgiving is because I have gone through very similar things myself, and I was not expecting calm waters all the time.
So I am reminded of one of the things I had said the day after we broke up and she had spent hours crying asking me to take her back:
I don’t resurrect past ghosts.
I am looking forward to tomorrow; I am seeing my brother, who’s coming back home for the weekend. I also have an appointment with a periodontist in the afternoon, for which I should be resting for. And that’s about all I want to say about that tonight.