Everything In Between

If your project so much as pretends to have a profit motive, I will tell you to go fuck yourself and your project.

So This Was Friday

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Oh sigh. At half past four I’m just starting to write this thing. This will have to be a short entry because I’m finally getting tired.

Daily Recap

Struggling to Sleep

I woke up feeling pretty bad, physically speaking. My sinuses were hurting, my nose was running, and my head felt like it was full of cotton balls. Unfortunately, I’m just about positive I’ve come down with a sinus cold.

Needless to say, I didn’t go to the gym. That would have been somewhat dangerous considering the horrendous amount of dehydration that my body was putting me through. (Look at me, I’m getting knowledgeable about this stuff!) I spent all day with a glass of water at my side, refilling it constantly.

I got almost no good sleep last night, either. That might partially explain why I came down with the cold today. I must have woken up about eight distinct times to pee or because my sinuses and the back of my throat were hurting me.

In the morning, I was woken up by several phone calls. Between the hours of eight o’clock and eleven o’clock I kept getting up to stop the ringing. I did finally get a few hours of undisturbed sleep from then until about two in the afternoon, though, and I had some pretty bizarre dreams. (I won’t go into them because it’s not to the point and somewhat sexually explicit.)

Danica had gone out again to Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast and had asked me if I wanted anything from the store. At my request, she bought me two grapefruits, and at her insistence, she also bought me four cans of chicken broth. When I woke up, she said she’d make me some of the chicken broth, which I appreciated but didn’t actually ingest until much later.

Danica Gets Her Apartment

Very soon, at about three o’clock, Danica left to go meet with the realtor to see if she could procure Randy’s apartment. At approximately 5:30 PM, she returned stating success. She spent nearly six and a half thousand dollars (of her mother’s money) on the apartment, but had secured the lease for Randy’s apartment. She will thus hopefully be moving out within the upcoming week! (I am very glad.)

Climbing Out of the Hole

The afternoon hours from around 5:30 PM to 8:00 PM moved by pretty quickly. I didn’t do much, but I did have some chicken broth, leave a few comments on Danica’s new MySpace profile in response to some of the ones she left me and struggled with the ever-growing list of things I needed to do.

Despite how disappointed I am at having to do it, I decided that the only way to get myself out of this rut was to unload some of the responsibilities I had shouldered which I now felt were overwhelming me. Specifically, that meant cancelling the programming job I had. First, I called my father to ask for help in how to do that professionally (I didn’t want to burn any bridges) and then I called the client directly.

The client never answered her phones, so instead I wrote her an email. Later, she got back to me asking if I’m sure and if I’d like to reconsider. She restated the relatively long timeframe for the project (I had said that I was cancelling because I didn’t believe I could do it in a timely fashion) and asked for a referral if I really couldn’t do it.

I haven’t gotten back to her yet, but I think I’m going to confirm the cancellation. I just can’t handle this work right now, even though I don’t really have the money to do something like this. There are still so many things I need to do just to get at a point where I can work efficiently. I haven’t set up any one of my Linux or *BSD servers yet, for instance, and I haven’t even finished getting the tables into their final positions! I’m still using one of the computer tables as a kitchen table, still have furniture to buy, curtains to put up, and a host of other tasks.

Of course, when Danica moves out a lot of that will be easier. For instance, I won’t have to vacuum the floor so often. (Yes, there was more walking in the apartment with dirty shoes, and the only reason I’ve not vacuumed again is because it was late when I got home from my mother’s. More on that in a bit.) Also, a lot of her stuff will be gone, such as the couch and the TV and all her clothes and bags and boxes and junk. The coffee table will actually be clean, instead of being overrun with a mess of reciepts and fabric and napkins.

Evening: Laundry at My Mother’s and Home Alone Again

Danica had plans to go out with Randy tonight. She said she was meeting him at about nine o’clock at his place to go see a movie down at the Pioneer. Before Danica left the house, I gathered my laundry and a few of my things and went to my mother’s to go do laundry and have a small salad for dinner which she had prepared for me. (Thanks, Mom!)

I was at my mother’s from 8:22 PM to about 10:45 PM, when I returned home to find the living room light on but the apartment empty. I had brought back some housewares from my mother’s, such as a few knives and extra silverware that she gave me in preparation for Danica’s imminent move out of here. When she goes, I’ll suddenly find myself with a lot less stuff that I really need, such as non-stick pots and pans and a kettle.

I spent the rest of the night online, talking to folks and killing time on Orkut. I didn’t really know what to expect and I don’t really know what I was doing. I started to feel somewhat motivated to do work (not programming necessarily, but just some “recreational” coding) when I was at my mother’s, but that motivation dissipated like a virgin snowfall when I returned home. Still, having that spark is a good sign and means I’m on the right track, emotionally, of unpiling my responsibilities until I get my shit in order.

I have no idea why, really, but I also spent some of my time later reading through the CraigsList newsfeeds I recently subscribed to. Much of that just pissed me off, so I stopped, though I did come across a few actually well-written posts. (Most of that site is utter junk.) I even found myself responding to a couple ads.

Introspecting Again

One of the things I was talking about with the folks online was the whole notion of “casual relationships,” what they are, why they’re so frustratingly popular, and why I can’t seem to have any of them. (For instance, Danica keeps waffling back and forth between her so-called conviction that Randy is a casual relationship, and that’s what she supposedly wants right now.) I reached no real conclusions to any of my questions, but one thing resonated across all the conversations: It’s absolutely normal that I should be interested in them at this point after my break up, especially considering the way it happened.

I can’t really say that that is any comfort, but it certainly makes me feel less weird. I think I wrote about this briefly before, but I’ve never had a casual relationship of any romantic and/or sexual involvement. I just don’t seem to work that way.

Nevertheless, the idea that those types of relationships are “beyond me” is an absolutely stomach-churning notion. Perhaps, then, they are “below me,” though even then my curiosity (and resentment?) of their existence acts as a thorn in my side. Then again, I’m chronologically only twenty years old, as Danica keeps describing herself. No matter how much I like to think I’m more emotionally grown-up than that, perhaps that’s all just a “defense mechanism,” to use the popular psychobabble.

Sometimes I’d just like to forget about all of that and pretend that I am missing enough neurons to make me blissfully unaware of others’ emotional matters and ensure that I am stupid enough to fit in with the crowd. Maybe what it takes to get a date on a Saturday night is a lack of maturity and several billion brain cells that won’t function properly. Of course, what kind of fun would that be?

Looking (Slightly) Ahead

Well, so much for a short entry. It’s super-late and I’m afraid I’ve just fucked myself over for tomorrow. Danica is not home, and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I’d like to believe I didn’t wait up for her, but I don’t really know what to think at this point. I’m tired.

I tried to set up a Squash game with my uncle this weekend, but I got on it too late and we couldn’t get a reservation for a court. That’s probably a good thing, though, because I’m still feeling under the weather and a game of Squash probably wouldn’t do me very much good right now. We’ve rescheduled for next week so at least I have something to look forward to.

I was gonna put up my to-do list, but I haven’t got it all in one place at the moment and haven’t the energy to aggregate their contents. Suffice it to say that there is too much to do. I can’t wait until Danica gets her stuff out of here, since I think not having any furniture to speak of and having a lot of space to put it will be a big incentive to go to Ikea or something.

Written by Meitar

February 26th, 2005 at 5:59 am

2 Responses to 'So This Was Friday'

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  1. It is going to be very difficult for me to keep this short. I have so much to say – but none of that will be said just to unload my expression needs. I would love to talk to you – if you are willing to. But for now, I must comment on the notion of “casual”. I understand what you said, specifically about “stomach churning…” yet consider this: life (you love life – dontcha) is NOT casual. Yes, this may sound critical, and spark a whole defensive attitude and reactions. But really, weighing the merits of “casual” anything against being committed to anything may reveal the true potential of these “things”… One must admit that no goal can be achieved without commitment of sorts. Yet again, there are so many who live without goals, true, but all of them are heading straight to nowhere.

    Nick

    26 Feb 05 at 11:25 AM

  2. You are who you are. You cannot be otherwise. To walk in someone else’s footprints only leads you down a blind path. Casual or otherwise: live your life as it feels right to you.

    blondzila

    26 Feb 05 at 2:55 PM

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