Ups and Downs and Everything In Between

Ahh, another good day. My schedule seems to be teetering on the edge of vampirism. Today (Wednesday) really began for me at four o’clock in the afternoon, since I had slept from nine o’clock in the morning ’til then.

My Day In A Nutshell

After spending some time in the shower, answering emails, and generally waking up, I grabbed my laptop and headed to the NYCwireless meeting tonight. There, I spoke with Dana a little about the new CSS for the web site. He gave me access to the HTML templates and so I’ll be able to make changes to the site via the CMS used.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay for the meeting. It started very late and I had intended to leave early anyway to go meet Angelique and Hannah for dinner and to see Sin City again. (I swear, it’s really just that much fun!) I arrived at the theater at 8:07 PM. Angelique was already waiting there and introduced herself. We instantly started talking like old friends, hugged, and hopped into the nearby New Venus Restaurant to grab food.

Soon, Hannah called me up and I directed her to join us at the diner. After introductions, several cups of coffee, and scrambled eggs and corned beef hash, we strolled over to the theater, conversing the whole way. The movie, as was mentioned earlier, was a lot of fun for us all.

Afterwards, the three of us headed up to Melinda and Mark’s apartment. The four of us (Melinda, Hannah, Angelique, and I) hung out for another two hours or so before Hannah went to crash and Angelique and I had to head home. I showed them 43 Things, Melinda showed us pictures of her travels, and Hannah and Melinda enacted a scriptlet Hannah wrote. Angelique seemed to enjoy the new company and the conversation.

I finally hit the grocery store before I came home. Then I answered yet more emails and spoke with Tom and Sara over IM. Just a really great day.

Social Successes

I’m really glad I organized this little get-together. I’ve officially decided that filling my calendar with things to do is an important step in the process of maintaining a happy balance in my life. I like being active and I like being social.

Also, I’m absolutely amazed, awed, and proud of myself for being so effortlessly outgoing. I have never imagined that I could be this way, but I am, and I’m doing it very well. The whole meet-and-greet thing (as well as “making a good first impression”), thanks to the practice from Meetups, other groups, and general experiences, has become almost second nature to me.

Several days ago I went to the Consultants Meetup, which was held at a Starbucks. When I entered the shop, there were two people sitting on opposite sides of the store. After getting some water, I asked one of them if he was there for the Meetup, and he said yes. Soon after, the other person heard us talking and joined in. After that, our Organizer showed up and joined the fray.

Not to sound pretentious, but that Meetup succeeded so quickly and smoothly because I had the balls to ask a stranger if he was there for a meeting. That stranger then emailed me after the Meetup and wants to meet with me in private for coffee soon, which is wonderful because I have some questions I’d love to ask him (he’s a software developer by profession).

And while I’m on the topic of emails, I recieved two other emails from strangers who want to meet with me. One of them couldn’t make it to the Consultants Meetup, so he sent an introduction to me via email. The other found me through my 43 Things list and then surfed on to my homepage. (I know this because he referenced various things about my web sites in his email.)

These things are all telling me that I’m someone people want to get to know. That tells me that there’s something about me which is attractive (I’m not talking about romantic attraction here). This all started because I’ve realized that I’m not shy anymore, and I’m actually rather outgoing, friendly, interesting, and a lot of fun to be with. That’s big—real big.

Tonight felt like the manifestation of this realization. Conversation flowed like a gentle waterfall between myself, Angelique, and Hannah. I’ll never forgive myself for saying this, but I felt cool—the kind of cool that comes from self-confidence and honesty, not a faked attitude. I felt cool being myself, not trying to be something, someone, or some way which I thought would be “cool.”

And that was cool. Really cool.

Congratulations to my good friend Tom Whitbread on his recent publication in php|architect, Building a MySQL Database Abstraction Class.

Database abstraction is not just useful to promote database agnosticism—it can be used to improve database interaction all around! In this article, Tom Whitbread shows you how to tame the MySQL API by creating a class which will handle errors, allow query execution, transport results, and strip or add slashes to your input data.

Great work, Tom, and thanks for sharing your work with the community.

The reason I haven’t shaved yet is because I’ve literally had no time. That’s an amazing realization. I can’t believe I’ve gone from bored out of my mind to busy as a bee (and maintaining it) in such a short timespan. No, I’m not complaining.

Jetted to my mom’s today for some routine apartment maintenance while she’s in California, dropped off the dead RAM at the UPS Store, hit the drug store and the mail. Now it’s off to meet acquaintances at a writer’s Meetup and then friends at an evening gathering.

And, damnit, I’m already running late so I still don’t have time to shave.

I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that I should do this, but it did. With that out of the way, say hello to my mini blogs.

First, what’s a mini blog? Basically, a mini blog is just a blog about a specific topic whose owner doesn’t really write lots of stuff for. Mini blogs are especially well-suited to things like links, hence, link blog. Yes, I know, it’s a whole new bunch of jargon to keep track of.

Second, I don’t really have them set up as blogs so the name mini blog is somewhat misleading. Instead, they’re just pages which will change pretty frequently because they’re pulling RSS feeds from all over the place and displaying them. So, among other things, there are no local archives for now. That’s not really so hard to do, but it’s not a priority for me right now.

The main cool thing here is that folks who aren’t up on the RSS bandwagon can still, basically, keep track of all of my goings-on around the ‘net via these pages because I’ll be publishing everything I do on other sites over here as well. Again, however, no archives, so if you miss some stuff you’re going to have to track it down yourself.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to notify folks about. I hope you enjoy it. (Right now there’s just one posted, but there are soon to be more than five or so. Also, it’s very hackish right now and thus ugly, but I can deal with that in time.)

Update: Some post-post (get it, get it?) notes that I’ve been musing over:

• The versatility of what can be done with RSS and content syndication has just begun to hit the mainstream. As always, this is all thanks to its incredible usefulness.
• Being able to provide an overview of the massive amount of stuff I do online in one place is a huge usability benefit for readers, but as well as for me. I’ve been doing it for a long time now by using RSS to keep track of sites I like (even if I like a site, if it doesn’t publish an RSS or Atom feed, I’m not keeping up with it), but now I can do it for readers without forcing them to get a newsreader and adapt to a new technology.
• As far as information architecture goes, I think I’ve finally done a half-way decent job on my personal site. That’s rare because I always hate doing work on personal projects. Professional projecs are a totally different story, and I love working on them. However, my personal online life has always been an incredible mess, but now it’s starting to look like I’m getting things under control.
• I’ve firmly become a fan of RSS version 2.0 over other versions (especially the nasty-lookin’ RDF) and Atom. It’s just easier to work with.

Also, two new mini blogs (agreggation pages) have been added, so there’s a bunch more content there now. Still not done, so there’ll be even more in no time flat. (Maybe tomorrow?)

Yes, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Yes, I know I’m like a hundred emails behind in getting back to everyone who’s been contacting me. Yes, I know I have a dozen things to do before the week is up. You see, I’ve been having a rather busy time of things.

I’ll start from Thursday, since that’s when I last blogged.

Thursday Night Sin

Earlier in the week I had wanted to make plans to see friends. On Thursday, after I met the leaders of MetroMac, I jetted uptown to see Sin City with Sara. (Sara is a new friend I met several weeks ago but didn’t really start to get to know until a private party we were both invited to on the 9^th.) We had planned to meet at 8:30 PM, but I showed up at 8:37 due to annoying subway service changes.

Before the movie, we briefly walked down 41^st Street from 7^th Avenue to 8^th as we talked. Then we hopped into Europa Café where I grabbed a panini and a cup of coffee and she picked up a cup of chamomile tea. Conversation continued and didn’t stop until we realized we had better get to the theatre before we were late.

That was conversation numero uno of the many long conversations Sara and I have had over the course of this past half-week. It’s fair to say that we’ve quickly become friends—I dare say close friends—in the extremely short time we’ve known each other. There just always seems like there’s fun to be had and things to talk about or do, which is incredible and awesome and exciting and, for me, totally unexpected.

Sin City (the movie) provided much fodder for conversation Thursday night. Earlier, at the cafe, we had already begun hashing through subjects such as mutual friends, personal history, experiences with polyamory (and its concepts), and a range of other things. The movie, a spectacular rollercoaster of brutal visual entertainment, got us onto the topics of the arts, both visual and literary.

The movie was exhilerating, and neither of us felt like the night should be over despite the fact that it was already past midnight when we stepped back out onto 42^nd Street. We decided to head on up to the Columbia University area so she could grab some dinner. She didn’t eat anything at the café, and since I did I wasn’t hungry.

We ended up at Pinnacle (a pizzaria/delicatessen of sorts) on Broadway, across the campus’ entry gates. There we continued the conversation that had already endured a movie and a subway ride. While technically conversation numero dos, the subjects flowed so naturally and freely that it felt like the same conversation.

By the time she had finished her calzone it was sometime after three o’clock in the morning, though our conversation was showing no signs of slowing down. Graciously, Sara invited me to crash at her place for the night, saving me a late night subway ride on the ridiculously slow 1-train. (I hate lonely, late night subway rides.)

Once there, we talked a bit more (God knows how we keep interesting conversations going, but we do) and then set up her laptop to play the Extended Edition of Return of the King, which I had not seen ’til that night. It was almost dawn by the time we stopped watching the movie (it didn’t end, we just didn’t finish watching it), and it was well past dawn by the time we were actually asleep in her bed.

Friday: Five-Hour Walk and Endless Conversation

We woke up sometime in the early afternoon the next day. Having no plans at all meant that we spent a good hour or two trying to wake up but ending up cuddling, which is officially the best way to wake up ever. It was probably around three o’clock or so in the afternoon by the time we made it out to Deluxe (a nearby restaurant) for breakfast.

Friday was an absolutely gorgeous day, as was Thursday night and as the rest of my wonderful days would prove to be. I often wonder if my moods follow the weather or if the weather follows my moods. Since it was so nice, Sara suggested a walk through Central Park and so after breakfast (I had a chicken quesadilla and she ordered a turkey burger, I think) we started heading East on 113^th Street.

We entered Central Park near its North-West corner. We leisurely walked the entire length of it until we were at Columbus Circle. Then we turned West, hopped onto Broadway, and walked all the way back up to Deluxe where we started five hours earlier.

Yes, we spoke the whole way. I would cite this walk (and breakfast) as conversation numero trés, although there was a brief part of the walk during which we stopped to lay on the grass (and each other) and rest for a while. When we completed the circle it was just past eight o’clock.

I had made plans to visit the Columbia University Games Club that night, and Sara had planned to attend a student play. Both events were held in the same building, on the same floor, and both started at approximately eight o’clock. We took the elevator up together and hugged as we said goodbye.

Dinner and Discussion

The games club folk were just beginning to play Power Grid, a board game I’d not ever seen before when I arrived. I said hello and was greeted warmly, but by now I was getting hungry, and it was still somewhat early. I hopped out of the games club’s room and told them I’d be getting a snack.

Back outside, I made a phone call to Melinda to see if she wanted to catch dinner with me. She was taking a nap when I called (I woke her up) and was a little out of it, but invited me over anyway so I walked up to her place. Then the two of us went out to eat at Toast, another nearby restaurant where further conversation ensued.

In fact, so much conversation ensued that it was past eleven before I knew it and I was getting sleepy. At this point, my conversation count increases to quatro. We spoke about a lot of things too, and (like the conversations with Sara) I wish I had a tape recorder for them. Some subjects were choices versus decisions, the three waves of pleasure when eating, and social background and change.

I left for home before it got too late, and arrived at my apartment sometime after one o’clock in the morning. I can’t remember doing anything except falling asleep, though I think I did speak yet again with Sara via AIM.

Saturday: Total Blank

I have absolutely no clue what happened on Saturday. In fact, I don’t even remember Saturday taking place. I must have been abducted by aliens or something.

No, wait. Going over my personal calendar and email records has unearthed the fact that I had a squash game and wrote several emails, including one long one to Sara. Turns out I did do something that day, though the conversations won’t be counted because they were email threads.

Sunday’s Sequence of Events

I probably spent most of Saturday at home, because on Sunday I woke up at around one o’clock in the afternoon and started catching up on some of my email. I made myself some muffins and coffee for breakfast at around three o’clock, when emails were satiated, and signed on to the various IM networks while firing up my news reader.

When I signed on, Jon, the long-time Linux user I met at various Meetups, messaged me and proposed that we meet to discuss some ideas for a project he’s been working on regarding our various Meetup groups. We planned to meet at the Starbucks on 181^st Street, exchanged cell phone numbers, and set the time for 4:15-ish.

Afterwards, Sara signed on and I spoke with her for the remaining forty minutes or so before I had to hop into the shower. This would be conversation numero cinco, and it covered a bunch of subjects too. Most notably (but not immediately important) was the possible roommate situation I’ve been pursuing.

Somewhat less notably (but more immediately relevent) was that I was trying organize a group outing to see Sin City yet again on Monday (yes, it really was that good) and wanted to invite her in case she was interested. She was, so I mentioned that Melinda had already said she’d like to see it and I wanted her to invite Mark and Hannah (and I realize I don’t know how to spell her name yet) as well. Unfortunately, neither Mark nor Hannah were able to make it the next day.

After I spoke with Sara, I jumped into the shower and rushed out the door to meet with Jon. We spoke for two hours at Jesse’s Place (a small, nearby bar and grill type of establishment), and tried to hash out the issues surrounding the potential database, programming, and architecture requirements of the project we’re thinking of pursuing. Chalk up another conversation, which brings my count up to seis.

Juggling in the Park and Dinner at Home

Since it was such a nice day and I had so much energy, I really wanted to make it to the park before sundown to juggle. Thankfully, I was able to rush back home, grab my juggling clubs, briskly walk to Fort Tryon park, and spent a good hour and a half juggling. Juggling spontaneously was something I’d not done in a really long time, and it felt wonderful. Wanting to get out of the house before sundown is practically blasphemy for me, but it also felt wonderful.

When I was juggling, I got a call from Melinda. She had apparently gotten locked out of her apartment, so I convinced her to come up to Washington Heights and meet me for dinner again. She arrived at around eight o’clock on the 1-train, and I met her at the subway entrance. Since we were both hungry, we grabbed dinner (beans and rice and some excellent beef) at a local hole-in-the-wall treasure of a Spanish take-out restaurant and brought it home with us.

It occured to me that I had never before invited anyone to come back to this apartment with me. (I still have trouble calling it “home.”) I enjoyed her company during dinner immensely, since I absolutely hate eating alone. It’s just so boring when all I do is eat (but I do it because, well, I have to), so having someone to speak with was incredibly rewarding. (That’s conversation numero siete.)

Then it was back to email while Melinda toyed with one of my Rubik’s Cubes which I had popped open for her to inspect. One of these emails was a response from Sara and included an invitation to spend some time with her in her studio (she paints, and rather well as far as I can deduce). At that point, Melinda got a call from Mark (her roomie) that he was home and she could return any time since he could let her in. So the two of us headed downtown shortly thereafter, Melinda heading home and me heading to Sara’s studio.

Return of the Movie Night

Sara met me outside her studio that night and brought me upstairs. She had been working on a large oil painting on a canvas. While there, we spoke yet again and I got the chance to ask a lot of questions about drawing, painting, and stuff I didn’t even know to ask since I don’t know the first thing about art.

Somewhere in there, she also pointed out several funny excerpts from Cryptonomicon. I didn’t notice at the time, but it was already quite late and even later by the time we left. Leaving her studio at two o’clock or so in the morning, the weekend’s conversation count inreased to ocho.

Back at her dorm room, we watched the rest of Return of the King after enjoying the ice cream her suitemates brought home. Once again, the movie was over long before we actually slept. The next day, we awoke near noon and had to quickly make it downtown to meet with Melinda and see Sin City (yes, again).

Monday’s Movie and Meetings

We met Melinda on the train and headed down to see the early Sin City matinée showing on 34^th Street. Even though we arrived a few minutes late, the movie proved just as much fun for me this second time around. Afterwards it was off to Skylight Diner for breakfast (well, lunch).

Sara had to head back to classes then, so Melinda and I stayed a while longer and chatted over milkshakes and fries. We left the diner to catch the sun and took a walk down 9^th Avenue towards Chelsea Market, where I grabbed a bottle of carrot juice. Then we turned towards the piers are sat on the grass in the Hudson River Park for a while. Conversation numero nueve.

At six o’clock we started back towards the subways. I planned on jumping over to my father’s place to take a quick shower and get ready for the Meetup Meetup at seven o’clock to discuss the new Meetup fees. The Meetup went rather well and I got to say my piece as well as discuss the issues with several members of the Meetup staff.

Scott Heiferman, CEO and co-founder of Meetup introduced himself to me before the meeting started. Everyone on the Meetup staff struck me as incredibly intelligent and dedicated people, not to mention very pleasant. (My groups are still heading over to Yahoo! Groups, though, and this whole subject is another blog entry entirely.)

I didn’t expect to stay at the Meetup Meetup for long, but I ended up staying ’til the end. I had an important prior engagement to make it over to CV where I was planning on seeing Sara again, as well as some other folks. I arrived very late but, thankfully, not too late and so got to see and talk with everyone. A group of us later went out to dinner, which was great because it meant I got to continue the conversations.

(A noteworthy occurance at dinner is that I ordered a salad in which I discovered a cockroach. Yup, a twitching roach on a piece of spinach. Now, I wasn’t actually that grossed out by it at all, which surprised me a bit, but I decided to make a mini-scene out of it anyway and demanded that I get the meal for free. It was no problem at all, and the manager even came to apologize and explain what could have caused that twice. I didn’t end up ordering anything else, but I did end up finishing Sara’s soup. Poor girl lost her appetite completely, as did Sevina. Meh, better for me.)

I spent the evening over at Sara’s again that night. No movies this time, but I did get introduced to her knife collection (which was fantastic). And, well, I guess there wasn’t much talking that night.

Tuesday and Wednesday: Home At Last

I slept in rather late Tuesday. I didn’t wake up until about 4:30 in the afternoon. Or, more accurately, Sara had class at two o’clock or so, so she left for it, but I was still sort of tired so she let me sleep in later. When she came back, we went for breakfast at Deluxe again after more cuddling-wake-up-time.

I had intended to make the local Usability Professionals Association meeting that night, but by the time breakfast was over it was clear that there was no chance in hell for me to make it and look “professional” in any way. So I decided to skip it this month and head home. Sara asked me to talk to my potential roommate and see what was up with that asap, we said goodbye, and I jumped on the train.

I spent all of Tuesday night and all of Wednesday either catching up on emails, message board postings, news feeds, or other online discussions, or sleeping. I started writing this blog entry way back at around noon on Wednesday, but collapsed and didn’t wake up until 9:38 PM that day. (Now it’s already early Thursday morning.)

On Tuesday night I spoke with Angelique, potential roommate for next year, about the summer situation and it was easily decided that it’d be best for us both not to room ’til then since she’s not planning on being able to move easily anyway. This leaves the apartment open for Sara, who was planning on apartment hunting.

Tonight (Thursday the 21^st) she’s planning on visiting the place here to see if it’s going to be a possibility for her to room with me for a while. That would mean, among other things, that I will actually be able to afford living here again and, for the most part, stop eating away at my savings. That was conversation numero diez of the weekend.

And now, back to work. :)

MetroMac Meeting and Leadership Introductions

Just one of those obligatory greetings. I’m at the Apple Store in SoHo and just attended a MetroMac meeting on backing up and restoring data. It was pretty interesting, but very user-level. That is, rather simple and not really as advanced as I was hoping to learn about. Many different forms of backup media were discussed but none were really explored in depth.

More important than that, however, was the introductions I was able to procure with the MetroMac leadership. I met Chris as well as Bill, two of the MetroMac leaders. I was also introduced to Peter, the current MetroMac.org webmaster. They both welcomed me. Bill even knew who I was from my Meetup pictures before I ever said a word.

I told them about the new Meetup.com fee structure and how I was moving the Meetup group over to Yahoo! Groups. We spoke about potential cooperation between the two of us, and Chris said he’d like to make the next meeting we hold. I gave both of them my card. Overall, a productive meeting and I’m glad I came out here tonight.

Parting Thoughts

As a side note, an anonymous poster has left a fascinating comment on my last blog entry about bipolar disorder and the bipolar’s catch-22. He or she has some interesting points and I’d like to explore them more in depth. If you’re reading this, anonymous poster, then know that you’ve stewed some reflective juices in me and you’re not being ignored. I’ll blog about that soon and share my thoughts.

Also, I’m heading over to Times Square to meet with Sara, another person I met who is fast becoming a friend. We are planning on walking around and seeing Sin City together tonight. I’m really looking forward to seeing her and, just like I said I would, managed to plan to meet with friends this week. That’s the power of intention.

Finally, if you didn’t catch my recent entries on the subject yet, I’ve been audioblogging a bit lately. I find it really interesting and surprisingly comfortable. It’s certainly easier when I’m on the move then trying to find a computer, so I’m enjoying the additional outlet.

And with that, I’m off to meet Sara for a movie.

Humans are amazing creatures. We have such powers of adaptability and such incredible forces of will that we are able to make the impossible possible.

As my friendly, neighborhood Spiderman is fond of recalling, With great power comes great responsibility. What is missing from this statement is the fact that everyone has great power and thus everyone has an enormous responsibility to use that power wisely. For better and for worse, you can make the impossible possible.

Owning the Theory

I recall a conversation I had long ago with my father. I was either fourteen or fifteen, I think, and the two of us were sitting on my mother’s bed in her bedroom where I used to live. It had been a rough day caused by the turbulence of many mood swings and anger over schooling.

It was after noon. My father had come uptown (he made a special trip to see me that day) so we could talk about things. The conversation was probably long, but I only remember two bits of it right now.

At one point, we spoke about the medications and how much I detested them. We bainstormed on what could be done, and after a while we concluded that there was only one way that I would be able to free myself of them: do what they do for me physiologically by myself.

Bipolar Disorder Has a Physical Root

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness which has physical roots. The brain of a bipolar person is literally physically different than the brain of someone who is not. One of the differences is in the mixture of the chemicals that the brain swims in.

A bipolar person’s brain is swimming in a bath of chemicals that have various different levels of neurotransmitters which cause the symptoms bipolar disorder is so known for. In other words, our brain’s chemical makeup is literally different from a “healthy” person’s brain. Since these neurotransmitters (chemicals) are actually physical molecules, bipolar disorder can be said to have a physical root.

My Personal Bipolar Brain

I was taking lithium and depakote at the time. Depakote is a medication which increases production of the neurotransmitter dopamine, if I remember correctly. Dopamine is one neurotransmitter which makes people feel happy and content. (In fact, surges of dopamine are exactly what taking drugs such as heroin cause in the brain.) Lithium is a mood stabilizer and, I think, it causes increases in seratonin levels. Seratonin is another neurotransmitter with a similar effect as dopamine.

Long story short, my brain was literally missing physical components it needed in order to function well. The only way to ensure that I would function properly and ultimately be happy and healthy was to give it these physical things that I did not have on my own. That is why I needed medication.

The Bipolar’s Catch-22

When I recognized that I am bipolar, I naturally started thinking in circular logic. Since I couldn’t trust my own emotions to be accurate representations of and responses to incoming stimuli, every time I was confronted with a choice of any sort I started asking myself “Is this really based on what happened or is it based on my bipolar disorder’s mutation of it?”

The nasty problem with bipolar disorder is that it is an illness which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once I’d asked myself that question, I had to ask myself the same question about the answer I had just provided as an answer to the first question. “Was my evaluation really based on what I felt or was it based on my bipolar disorder’s permutations of my feelings?” This is a never-ending cycle that causes one to second-guess oneself all the time (and for good reason).

At its root, this second-guessing is caused by the fact that my brain doesn’t have a working set of the physical stuff it needs to make an emotionally aware and informed choice. There is no way around this except to give my brain these things, but the only way to do this is through medication. Since I didn’t want to take medication, there seemed, at first, to be no solution to this problem.

Moods Change the Brain’s Chemical Balance

Then it occured to us that since moods were caused by physical things (changes in the levels of neurotransmitters and chemicals in one’s head), changes in mood also changed the physical makeup (the balance of chemicals) in the brain. This means that when I was sad there was literally something different in my head than when I was happy twenty minutes later.

So since my moods change the physical makeup of my bain, it was logical that controlling these moods would mean that I could control the balance of neurotransmitter levels inside my head. By controlling moods well enough as to orchestrate the same levels of neurotransmitters which the medications gave me, I would be able to effect the same change as I had been getting with the medication without actually taking the medication.

Of course, this brings us back to the problem of the chicken-and-the-egg, to our catch-22. In order for this to work, I needed to create the proper chemical balance in my head without having the proper chemical balance in there to start with and without having the physical chemicals I needed to give myself said balance. What to do?

Journey Towards Self-Awareness and Control

Like I said at the start of this entry, humans are amazing creatures. We can make the impossible possible. The only way out of the dilemma of my bipolar disorder versus its need for medications that I had was to make the impossible possible.

Fighting Internal Demons

At the end of the talk with my father, he stood up and walked towards the doorway. He sighed heavily. Then he stopped and turned around, with both a genuinely sympathetic and understanding expression on his face. He said, Oi, vey, vey, my boy is fighting with his internal demons.

Fighting, or perhaps taming, my internal demons has been what my entire life has always been about. In fact, I think that most people’s lives focus around this issue, but I was lucky enough to have a parent who correctly addressed this issue directly and made it the top priority in my formative years. The process is long, hard, bloody, cruel, depressing, but ultimately rewarding. It’s also not even close to being over.

This battle with my own demons is the process of making the impossible possible. It’s what has enabled me to stay largely self-aware a good deal of the time, which is necessary to maintain a semblance of control over my moods so I can control, more or less, what kinds of chemicals are in there at any given moment. It’s literally the impossible fight for me to win.

Hope Everywhere

But I do have hope. Today, after my squash game with my uncle, I came home and was reading Greg’s blog, when I came upon this entry of his linking to several video clips of mind tricks.

One of the clips addresses the issue of the power and danger of the human being’s ability to believe things head-on, and that was what inspired me to write this entry. In fact, dangit, I meant to be working on my site and now I’m late for a party. See what you did, Greg? ;)

Stuff like this always reminds me of the incredible power we hold over our own lives. That makes me happy. Stuff like this also always reminds me about how many people give that power up so easily, often without even knowing they had it in the first place. That makes me sad.