Everything In Between

I spent the night at a friend’s and just got back home now. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is out. It’s hot out, but not too hot. The trees are green again, and flowers are blooming. I have iced coffee in my hands. Everyone outside is either very busy, or seems very relaxed. However, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve been wasting my weekend.

Yesterday I spent the entire, similarly-gorgeous day indoors browsing the web and reading email. My only claim to productivity is a draft for two presentations on tech stuff (keyboard shortcuts and advanced uses for Address Book), which took all of fifteen minutes to think up, outline, and pitch. I browsed the documentation for Google Maps’ API but didn’t even play with it myself.

The only thing I could think about last night was how much time I wasted, and how much I didn’t get done. I mean, if it takes me a mere fifteen minutes to come up with what I feel are two really good outlines for presentations, imagine what I could have created if I spent just 45 more minutes on that project. What if I spent 2 hours of the day actually working. What about 10?

Being alone, that is, now that Sara is visiting in Maine for a while, has one of two noticeable effects on me.

1. My productivity increases because I have more time with fewer distractions (which is not to say Sara’s a bother, it’s just that when I have more space to myself there are, by the circumstance’s very nature, fewer distractions to keep my productivity down—and I’m extremely prone to be disrupted by distractions)
2. My productivity decreases because I lose my ability to self-motivate, for one reason or another.

And that’s what started this blog post in my head. I came home, glanced at my blog comments (to get rid of the daily barrage of spam that I get hit with) and saw this entry, a draft I began more than a year ago (back in October of 2004, actually). Here’s how the original draft began:

The other day when Danica’s parents came to town they spoke with Danica about why she had decided to stop her schooling at NYU. Over and over again one recurring theme kept appearing in the conversation. It reminded me of the conversations I had had with my parents when I left school: I need to focus on being able to live a normal, functional life. That’s hard enough without having to deal with a rigid institution such as NYU.

Reading that made me think about my job. I like my job. I like my job a lot. In fact, I can honestly say it’s the best job I’ve ever had. It’s better, in many respects, than even my freelance time because I’m constantly surrounded by very intelligent, super-friendly, extremely personable people. In fact, it’s downright awesome because there’s a huge focus on my very favorite thing: learning more about technology. I constantly have to stay up-to-date with the latest goings on for both hardware and software developments to do my job well, and all of that self-development is not only encouraged, but mandated.

However, for me, mandates pose a problem. Long-time readers (aka, people who know me really well) will think they know where this is going: my problem with requirements, rigid rules and regulations, authority, and what not. Well, they might be right. But here’s how I’m approaching it this time.

I’ve struggled for years, and I’m still struggling, to get myself discipined enough to motivate my own personal goals without external pressure. At the very least, I want to find appropriate external force to instigate such motivation in myself. That’s not easy to do. The problem is, having a job, where my bosses tell me what to do and it’s clear, every minute of every day, exactly what needs to get done, completely destroys any sense for self-motivation I have outside the workplace. That is a disaster, and should not be the case. I’m hoping it’s not, that I’m just in a personal slump, or maybe I just had a lazy day. (There’s nothing wrong with taking a lazy day for oneself, is there?)

However, my personal projects continue to pile up. Things I’ve said I’d do for months now have still not even begun. I need to organize my finances. I need to inventory all my hardware. I need to (re-)organize my workpace to take advantage of all my new equipment (yay for flat-panel displays and the increased desk space they provide, not to mention KVM switches!). Plus, it’s summer, which means if I don’t get my hotspot in the park up and running soon I will literally beat myself for putting it off.

And that’s just naming a few. I also have four or five programming projects I want to do, I’m absolutely drooling to learn more about Xcode 2.3, and somewhere in the middle of all of that I want to continue my certification training courses (hopefully with some kind of discount/voucher because those are really putting a burning crater in my wallet).

Of course, my other bad habit is turning projects like these, overwhelming and huge as they are, into obstacles rather than opportunities. I look at all of this, all of the stuff I have not done, and I think, “Gee whiz, I can’t possibly do any of that. It would take me forever and a day to do it all!”

The sad part is that even if I’m right, I’d be happier doing it and never finishing any of it than I would not even starting. So why am I still writing this entry and not doing anything about it? Good question, Meitar. Let’s change that right now.

I still feel that no one really understands.

This is stupid. This is utterly utterly stupid. Answer the following question:

Which of the following operating systems use Kerberos for authentication? (Select all that apply.)

• Mac OS X Server
• Windows 2000 Server
• Windows 2003 Server
• NetWare

If you selected all of them, you got the question wrong, even though you’re technically correct. All of these operating systems can use Kerberos for authentication, but according to my prep tests for the Network+ exam, Mac OS X can not implement Kerberos.

It’s these kinds of questions which are totally pissing me off about these certifications. The last thing I wanted was this whole thing to turn into something I just wanted to get over with, but now it feels exactly like that because these goddamn test questions are quite simply wrong.

::writing slightly huffy email to these people::

Update: earlier today I have obtained my fourth computer certification in as many months, the Network+ CompTIA certification. :) Now to choose my next goal….

I’ve finally had a run of a few good days in a row. It’s been crazy at work, especially since I have to stand on my feet the whole day. That’s not so hard when I’m doing it, but I’m exhausted whenever I come home. Combine that with the fact that I’ve been slightly down because I miss Sara a lot it’s been difficult for me to do anything productive at home.

One of the reasons I think I had a good day today is because I’ve acted on some good habits. I’ve learned a bunch of new tech stuff in the past week or so and it occured to me that I should probably write all this stuff down. So I sat down after work and tried to remember exactly what all this new stuff is, and then add it to my growing so-called knowledge file. This is a plain text file with a simple format that basically stores every little tidbit of knowledge I learn or deem useful enough to have at a moment’s glance. Some random excerpts:

Operating modes refer to the state of the processor. There are three operating modes that the PMU can be set to:
* Run single – the processor is awake and running
* Idle – the processor is asleep
* Sleep – the computer is asleep and the power light is pulsating

New in Mac OS X 10.4 “Tiger” on portable (laptop or notebook) computers is an option to read the number of charge cycles of a battery inside of system profiler.

If Mac OS X hangs or freezes on boot at the blue screen just prior to the appearance of the Login Window try moving or renaming the /Library/Preferences directory and restarting.

I also finally got a good night’s sleep yesterday evening for the first time in about a week. It seems that even though I usually only used to get somewhere betwen 5 and 7 hours of sleep a night, the whole on-my-feet-for-the-whole-day thing requires a bare minimum of 8 hours of restful sleep in order not to come home feeling exhausted.

And I really would like to be able to come home and spend my evenings in a productive manner, whether that be pushing on with personal projects, blogging, or something. New workflows are always difficult to settle into, so I’ve returned to my previous strategy of trying to find ways to organize the workflow and make things faster and easier to do.

For now, sleep.

I hope it is because I have not written lately that I feel so “ugh.” My trip to California was interesting; it was both exciting and disappointing in different and similar ways. As was my first day on the job today. I left work feeling awful for no easily explainable reason, even though I felt just great for the first half of the day.

I feel a little bit like I’ve just joined the CIA.

On a brighter note, for the first time in my life I am now in possession of a piece of paper that says I know something. (Two more similar pieces of paper are en route as I write this.) Having never graduated middle school and having had very little save disdain for such pieces of paper, this new acquisition is an odd one. It says that I am officially ACHDS certified, which basically means I know things about the Mac OS. But let’s get real: who didn’t know that I knew that anyway? I certainly did, and I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that.

As things stand, I am convinced that beaurocratic red tape will be the downfall of human kind (if greed doesn’t get us first). That said, I do understand far more clearly why I have been told, time and time again, to get my GED, especially since “it would be no problem” for me. Perhaps not surprisingly, this makes me even more resistant to the idea of actually getting my GED. If it would be so easy for me to do then it is not worth my time. It would be more beneficial and more pleasureable to spend my time doing things that challenge me, things for which I must exercise at least some modicum of mental effort, in order to accomplish.

And that makes me an arrogant bastard, because it means that whenever I am in a situation that I find ridiculous or stupid or wasteful I think of the people who are creating that ineffeciency or slowness or waste as stupid and worth less than I am. (Note I did not say worthless.) I sometimes think I should feel bad about that. Ultimately, however, my conclusion is always the same: feeling bad about such things is stupid and wasteful and my impatience and arrogance is ultimately justified because I am both faster and more knowledgeable than these other people. (Even if these other people get paid more than me for doing equivalent jobs, but that’s a whole ‘nother story that has more to do with a genuine lack of experience and negotiation skills on my part than anything else.)

So fuck it. To prove to myself that I am correct, to prove just how capable I am, I force myself to be extra patient and extra nice with these people and in these situations. Doing anything else would negate all my greatness. The aforementioned routine is what I expect to encounter for at least the next two weeks, and I am not looking forward to it.

And now I am done masturbating my ego.

Took a stroll around my old neighborhood, the West Village, earlier today. Actually, I should be saying yesterday since it’ll soon be sunny outside. (I actually got to bed at a decent hour tonight, but now I can’t sleep. Cried a bit when I got out of bed.) I miss that neighborhood a lot; you can just walk around there, day or night. You can’t really do that in Washington Heights, where I live now. And I miss walking like that.

As I walked around downtown I saw a lot of noteworthy things; shops I used to go to, restaurants, some closed, some renovated, some replaced by new ones, that old couple who always goes to the Bus Stop Café on Thursday evenings was there, thought about getting a cupcake at Magnolia Bakery. I saw another couple carrying their respective pet cats on their shoulders and heads. Took a few pictures (unfortunately none of the cat couple, though). I didn’t stay too long.

I walked to the Apple Store afterwards for their Aperture presentation. Only made the second half, but it was interesting. Kind of didn’t want to go home so I milled about eavesdropping on the Geniuses at the Genius Bar—thought maybe I could learn a thing or two. Didn’t really.

Tonight’s not been a complete loss. I’ve finished editting the flyers for my Web design tutoring attempts, and since tomorrow Sara and I have plans to meet friends downtown, I’m thinking of printing these out and putting them up where I can.

I do wish I could get some sleep, though. And that I’d stop being so…whatever this is.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been unusually irritable for the past few days. I can’t yet pinpoint when it started, but it was sometime earlier this week. It’s been an on-and-off thing, usually following mood cycles and with very defineable triggers.

This past trigger was looking at my bank balance and seeing that I couldn’t cover the charge for the electric bill that just came through. So I am now officially flat broke. As in, I have no money, not a single cent available.

I feel like I’m in limbo waiting for the next set of details that will arrive from Apple. I don’t like waiting. So maybe that’s what’s causing it.

On a related note, a woman who mailed me about a project of her’s involving bipolar disorder called today. She’s doing interviews. This is old stuff for me (interviews, that is; I’ve lost track of how many research papers and special projects and newspaper articles and whatnot I’ve been interviewed for over the years about a range of things), but perhaps it will be good to bring the topic to the forefront again.

Earlier today I mentioned to Sara that it seemed to me as if so much had changed in our lives in the past eight months. Ten months ago I was just getting out of a painful relationship, and she was a college student. Then for four months we were living out of the back of a car while we travelled across 14,000 miles of North America. Now we’re living in a very New York apartment with concerns like finding jobs and making money.

And in a few more weeks, my life will change drastically yet again; the other day I was informed that I had been officially hired for a new job in (what else?) tech support for Macs.

Even though I am very excited, and internally I feel like jumping for joy and throwing boxes of confetti everywhere, other people’s reactions to this news have been so animated that it feels more appropriate if I just smile and nod. Someone’s got to keep a level head about it. There’s a lot of paperwork to fill out and all sorts of dates and times and things to confirm. It’s certainly helpful that I’ve recently gotten myself so much more organized.

Sometime near the end of this month I’ll be starting training, a several week process that—I believe—requires that I get ACDT and ACPT certified. I’ll be taking these courses at the Apple campus in California, so this is also a heads-up that I’m going to be out of town for a few weeks soon. (I wonder if the classes will incorporate any information on the new Intel iMacs and MacBooks)

In between all of this preparation regarding new employment, I’ve been doing several web design projects, as well as my usual bouts of tinkering and researching. I’ve had quite a full plate and been enjoying successes in all these areas. As an added bonus, I finally got my new cell phone today which means that I can now be reached at the cell number you have for me. I’m thinking of getting the black swivel holster for it as well.

Unfortunately, Sara’s not been as happy as I have lately, though this contrast between our respective mood baselines has been enlightening. It’s sad that I seem to need to see someone else depressed to notice the fact that I haven’t been depressed in a long time, but it sure does highlight that fact. It also indirectly highlights quite a few others that have shown me just how far along I’ve come from my not-so-distant and very depressed past.

1. I’m able to self-motivate a lot better than I used to be able to do.
2. I’m able to keep timed committments a lot more reliably than I used to be able to.
3. I’m far more able to foresee, manage, and generate financial income than I used to be able to, even if most of my sources of income still rely heavily on connections from family and friends. (That is, I’m able to perform more money-making actions.)

In any event, I’m looking forward to the rest of 2006 with a little more confidence than I faced 2005 with.

There are always a bunch of interesting things on my plate, and sooner rather than later I’ll test the waters of a slightly new area. The problem with having so many interests, however, is that I keep jumping around from one area to another and never really learn enough about one thing to do it well. So here’s my early new year’s resolution: prioritize my interests, and (as much as it makes sense to do so) learn about them one by one. I’ll start with podcasting.

To that end, I’m going to regurgitate my old audio entries and turn them into true podcasts so you can get at them with iTunes and your iPod. The first entry is tested right here. Just subscribe to the podcast feed in Atom or the same feed in RSS 2 with a podcast-enabled application (like iTunes) and enjoy. (The podcast feeds are also linked to from the news feeds page, which lists all the news feeds I publish.)

Happy holidays, everyone!

Due to the fact that the old site’s forums were hacked (darn script kiddies), and all the content was deleted I’m closing that section of the site for now. It just wasn’t active enough to merit staying around anyway, really, and unfortuantely I don’t have a recent backup because (like I said) it hasn’t been active in forever.

I feel bad about removing all the good advice that was written there from the site, but chances are unless I reorganize the architecture of that section, it just won’t be seen anyway. Maybe it’ll come back to life in the future. Until that notice, however, the forums are no longer available.