Everything In Between

The brutally honest, first-person account of Meitar Moscovitz's life.

Archive for the ‘Bipolar Disorder & Moods’ Category

Resetting the Personal Management Unit (Ha Ha!)

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Oi. Another sleepless night. Not for any bad reason, really, so no worries. It’s just that I’ve been consistently staying up ’til way past bedtime. I blame the strike because I’ve been cooped up in this neighborhood for way too long (and because I can). As a result, I’ve been unable to stop myself from pulling those crazy all-nighter coding/studying/working sessions that I’m infamous for.

They’re really not healthy, and I know I should stop, but i just can’t. I even made it a personal rule a while back, and I’ve been good about it and every other rule ’til these past few days. Maybe it’s the fact that Sara’s away. I hate to sound corny (sometimes) but I really have nothing to look forward to at night anymore. Sleep isn’t really something I want to do when it means thirty minutes of feeling lonely each night. And I miss cuddling.

So I’ve been coding and studying and working late at night to make myself stay awake. It didn’t really matter since I couldn’t go anywhere anyway. I was planning to get several gifts, but the strike meant I couldn’t get to them. Enter the Internet (and my generous brother), stage left, which saved the day as far as gifts are concerned.

But there’s still one more gift I need to buy, and since it won’t ship on time, I now have a reason to get out of the house tomorrow. Of course, seeing as how it’s 5:40 in the morning right now, if I go to sleep then I’m going to wake up at 3 PM again, and that just won’t do. So I’m staying up this night in the hopes of resetting my sleep patterns yet again. Maybe I’ll even get more studying done. (I hope I’ll remember what I read.)

Oh, and all the late-night coding has led to some improvements around this site, such as several new WordPress plugins. The most notable of these is the Subscribe To Comments Plugin, which will send you an email alert whenever a comment that you’re subscribed to is replied to. In other words, when you leave a comment, check the “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail” option to be notified of followup comments to your comments via email (uh, duh).

Um, what else? Ah, yes, Maymay Media‘s contact page and several other sections got a minor upgrade too. The contact page was the biggest deal, because it was well past due for me to include additional information from the sender in the messages I get from it.

What surprised me, though, was that I spent more time deciding which options to add than I did coding them. This goes to show me how much I’ve learned since I first created the site. No longer do I question if I can do something, but rather how long it might take me.

I’m also studying quite a bit from the AppleCare Technician Training course, preparing for the ACDT exams and my upcoming Apple interview (the latter of which I’ll say very little about here). I’m learning more than I can remember in one go, but it still feels good. I learn best through hands-on experiences, not through reading coursebooks, so I’m going to make a very serious effort at getting my hands on some sick Macs to fix as soon as I can. This will probably take the form of launching the Mayday Tech Support web site ASAP.

Ah, and I almost forgot: I’ve been starting to take a close look at Microsoft’s .NET Framework and, more specifically, ASP.NET. There’s money there, and it would be extremely beneficial to know how to swim in the Microsoft waters. So a recent opportunity has afforded me the chance to get Microsoft Visual Studio .NET, and I’m using it as a learning tool for the time being.

I think that’s it. Now it’s time for breakfast.

Written by Meitar

December 23rd, 2005 at 6:16 am

Possible Losses

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This road trip is coming to an end. Sara and I are in New York City for a few days before heading on to drop the car off in Maine. We’ve amassed what must be some hundred over a thousand pictures from the trip, but I’m afraid only a handful will last.

I’ve spent today troubleshooting my HP Pavillion laptop computer after it and Windows XP crashed last night. It died in a sudden death shutdown (a symptom of overheating, which I had noticed getting worse for a while) and wouldn’t start up—not even in safe mode. It hung (froze) on atisgkaf.sys and wouldn’t load any more drivers during the boot process.

I’ve been using the MicroSoft Recovery Console™ from the original installation CD to attempt to recover a previous restore point as described in the linked article. At first things seemed hopeful. After deleting the appropriate files in c:\windows\system32\config, the computer booted into Windows. But only for a few minutes before experiencing sudden death shutdown again.

Unfortunately, a few more attemps yielded no further success until finally running chkdsk from the Recovery Console yielded this depressing message.

The volume appears to contain one or more unrecoverable problems.

This message usually appears when there is a hardware problem such as, I’m afraid, a (physical) hard drive failure. Ultimately, this means that all those pictures from the road trip I’ve just been on for the past two and a half months might be lost for good. And that is depressing.

However, after yet another reboot into the Recovery Console, chkdsk /r is reporting the following hope-inspiring message:

[…]
CHKDSK is checking the volume...
[…]
29% completed.

So, I guess we’ll see.

Written by Meitar

October 29th, 2005 at 3:17 pm

Like Stone Rising

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I have been staving off a valley in my mood cycle for a while now. That is, I’ve been trying to and have been cycling rather noticably in the past two weeks. I have felt the echoes of very familiar demons inside my head.

Earlier today, after I spent the day at the Bronx Zoo, my moods took a dip and I felt my head begin to spiral out of control. I feel like I’m drowning…like falling into black ooze, I later told Sara. It’s frustrating; I’m so still and quiet on the outside and I’m screaming on the inside. And then I’m screaming at myself, telling myself to talk so that other people around me—so that you—can understand me. …It’s hard to talk or to move. I feel like stone.

I see no way for me to do that moment justice by describing it. Frozen, I squeezed her hand when she passed by to check on me. She stayed with me for the next half hour telling me a story until I could speak again.

Thank you, love.

Written by Meitar

July 17th, 2005 at 1:12 am

Ineffectual

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Some excerpts for a search for “have money” on 43 Things:

Written by Meitar

July 11th, 2005 at 11:36 pm

Crack of Thunder

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At the periodontist today I had my oral implant, the stud for what would have been the crown of a fake tooth, removed. One thing led to another after I left the doctor’s office. I got angry.

At home I picked up the medications from the pharmacy which I had prescriptions for. Sara said she’d take a nap, but I wasn’t tired. It started to rain. Then I heard thunder.

While Sara slept, I took the opportunity to take my single-tail whip, and juggling gear, to the park. I left a note:

Went to the park. Have my cell.

Love, —Meitar

It started raining harder as I walked through Bennett Park. I had originally intended to crack the whip a bit there but as the rain intensified I just felt like walking further. I headed to Fort Tryon Park.

Lightning crackled in the air and thunder boomed as I approached. The rotary at the entrance to the park was emitting a thin, light mist due to the dense cold rain hitting the heated pavement. It felt magical to walk through that veil of steam slowly.

I passed Heather Garden and staked out a small, empty lawn overlooking the Hudson River as my own. I set my backpack and juggling gear down and took out the whip. The weather matched my mood; big, heavy drops of chilling rain, fast flashes of lightning and then a slow, rumbling thunder.

I cracked the whip. Then I cracked the whip again. I took over for the thunder.

I was there for an hour. The rain felt like it was searing through me, hitting my skin, digging a hole through my body and falling to the ground beneath me, cleansing me of my bad mood. It was like I had made friends with the lightning and the wind.

By the time I was read to leave, the rainclouds began to pass on and the sun was creeping out from behind them. Does the weather influence my mood or do I influence the weather?

Written by Meitar

June 22nd, 2005 at 4:19 pm

Momentary Mood Swing

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Every so often, conversation will drift onto a subject matter which reminds me of two things.

  1. I am not healthy.
  2. I am very lucky.

This is frustrating.

I don’t feel like writing much else.

Written by Meitar

June 18th, 2005 at 4:25 pm

Personal Days

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I have been feeling good for what seems like an abnormally long period of time. I still feel the mini-swings between lulls and bursts of activity, but dare I say that everyone experiences these things? Yes, I dare. Am I really approaching normal?

My father is understandably concerned. I am keeping a close eye on myself as well, and I’m doing my best not to let things swing too far in either direction. I’m also trying to do my best to maintain that balance between work, socializing, and personal time that I was so adamant about earlier.

Being Social

The past couple of days have swung heavily in the social direction. I suspect this has more to do with the fact that, all of a sudden, most of my friends and acquaintances are actually of college age and, not surprisingly, are graduating college this year. (Just my luck, right?) They all feel it too; everyone seems to be in this bittersweet melancholy mood, bracing for change.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Sara lately, which, of course, meant profuse amounts of introspection and self-reflection and conversation about introspection and self-reflection. Sin City on Thursday night was a lot of fun, but more fun than the movie was the hand-holding and the various other forms of cuddling.

Sidenote: I’m actually rather impressed with myself about something that I’m almost ashamed to feel impressed about. It’s as if this is supposed to be such an obvious thing, something small and common-place and not special, but for me it is. Namely, the ease with which I’m simply accepting whatever the relationship between Sara and I is—and it’s not a traditional relationship, neither in terms of friendship nor in terms of romance (nor in terms of play partners).

The funny thing about the situation is that it just sort of fell into my lap. Even stranger, however, is the fact that despite this very topic being very evident and not at all a back-burner issue, I feel like I have nothing to say about it except for “Okay.” Acceptance. Happiness. I don’t fully understand it (and that scares me because it means I may be misinterpreting things) but for the time being that is neither here nor there.

Is that the feeling of polyamory?

End of the Year College Party

Friday afternoon and early evening sported more conversation between Sara and I over breakfast (which, for me, was a cobb salad that is probably still in her suite’s refridgerator). Later that night, starting from about ten o’clock, her suite hosted an end-of-the-year party. Several things struck me about that party.

  • I knew way more people than I would have thought. Not just knew of them but was, sort of, actually friends with many of them. A surprisingly high number, actually. Of all the things going on for me right now, realizing that I’m actually social will be the hardest to get used to. Here’s a list of folks off the top of my head:

    • Jeff was there, and—get this—I actually first met him back when Juliana had invited me to be a naked extra in The Naked Show several years ago. We really connected when I started talking about my old office/tech support job, since that’s what he’s currently escaping.
    • Sara, Sarah, Sarah, and Sarah were all there. Yeah, that many Sarahs. One Sarah I had first met (extremely briefly) the night of Hamlet last week. Another was the one Sara and I took to see Sin City the day before. The other Sarah was one whom I had wanted to get to talk to for some time because she’s a new kind of techie I do not yet know well—I biomedical engineer, I think. Anyway, conversations with all four were nice.
    • Tall German guy who apparently knew more about me than I did about him. The party last night got that sorted out (we talked and whatnot) so now I can actually say that I know a little about Oliver.
    • Emily, another person who knew more about me than I did her. We joked about Judaism, parents (nothing too bad, Aba ve Ima), and alcohol. (Mental image: hyper Jewish girls. ‘Nuff said.)
    • I also got approached by another fine young man whom I vaguely knew but had not really spoken to before. We conversed about CV, its future, and my suggestions for the organization.
    • Melinda attended, and so did Al, whom I know because Melinda got me to attend the Columbia Philosophy Forum discussions. It was when Al walked in that I felt that familiar “It’s a small world” feeling.
  • Parties are fun. Let me repeat that, and this time remember who’s blog you’re reading: parties are fun. Of course, I had a great time because I was with friends, but the point remains; I think I can finally relate to all those “normal” kids who really enjoyed partying. Sure, it wasn’t exactly my kind of party, but it was still fun.
  • I’m an incredible lightweight and for many reasons (not least of which is safety) I don’t drink alcohol. Nevertheless, I downed a small bottle and a half of Woodchuck (which is evidently not a bird) and still actually had a good time. For the record, yes, thoughts such as “I’m buzzed; that means I need to be extra careful now” were front-and-center in my head.

Back to Work—Sort’a

Today I met with Jon about one of the side projects we’re working on together. I have a bunch of templates to design and build now, which is good because it gives the work aspect of my life something fun to latch on to and be excited about. I also exchanged emails with Dana about the NYCwireless web site, though I’m not as clear about what needs to happen on that project.

Also, yesterday I met with Cal (the man who emailed me after seeing me on 43 Things) and he spoke a lot about business, as well as several other things. He seems to be a really remarkable person and I readily admit that I’m pleasantly surprised by that. I’ll be looking into a suggestion of his, namely to get myself a “Doing Business As” form for Maymay Media.

Tonight, I’m headed down to a bar (a bar!) to meet with a friend (one of the Sarahs). Before that, however, I’m going to hop into the shower because after Squash today (my uncle and I played 7 games; I won 3 of them!) I desperately need it.

Written by Meitar

May 7th, 2005 at 8:05 pm

Productivity by Powers of Place

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I keep trying to remember this but for some reason it seems like it never sticks in my head: getting out often is a huge boost to my productivity. There are other benefits too, like more stable moods and an overall happier baseline, but the easily measureable thing is just how much more stuff I’ve been doing.

Case in point, these past two weeks have gone by in a blink of an eye. Yet, despite this, I can remember so much more about them so much more vividly than any of the years I spent depressed. Depression creates a black hole in my life where all my memories of the time I spent depressed get swallowed up, mangled beyond recognition. There are so many large chunks (years) of my life that I just can’t remember much about except the fact that I was depressed during them.

In contrast, I can recall dozens of moments from the past two weeks. Moreover, I can recall their timeline so I can actually string one event after another, which is a really big deal for me. I guess that only happens when you’ve been having a good time, doing the things you want to be doing.

For me, it’s an incredible feeling to be able to maintain that level of activity for a significant period of time (like these two weeks) when I’m so used to such insane ups and downs that wreack havoc on my life. Memories matter; I want to make them good ones.

Last week, I saw a movie and met the MetroMac leadership, the Meetup staff, went juggling in the park, and so much more. Last night I went out to Games Club and learned how to play Clans (a simple board game). I spoke with at least four people at length (relatively shallow topics, but still, they were strangers before tonight) and had a great time.

Yesterday, I attended Philosophy Forum (yet another Columbia University club). I met another four people there and debated over whether or not knowledge is instrinsically valuable. (I think the issue is ultimately subjective, but my answer is yes, it is.) Afterwards, I went out to Subway for dinner with Melinda and Hannah and then met Sara. (That night really deserves its own post, but not right now.)

Earlier tonight, I had intended to finish my shakedown cruise of NYCwireless’s web site, something I’d been meaning to get to for about a week now. Tonight I finally buckled down and spent the final four hours I needed to work on it to get it done. And, man, does it feel good to have accomplished something that I wasn’t really looking forward to. (I don’t know how that one works—that’s a totally new experience for me.)

The bottom line is that getting myself out and about has made me happier. I can’t think of a better reason than that to do this. Just let it last.

Written by Meitar

April 23rd, 2005 at 6:58 am

Belief is the Most Powerful and Dangerous Tool Humans Have

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Humans are amazing creatures. We have such powers of adaptability and such incredible forces of will that we are able to make the impossible possible.

As my friendly, neighborhood Spiderman is fond of recalling, With great power comes great responsibility. What is missing from this statement is the fact that everyone has great power and thus everyone has an enormous responsibility to use that power wisely. For better and for worse, you can make the impossible possible.

Owning the Theory

I recall a conversation I had long ago with my father. I was either fourteen or fifteen, I think, and the two of us were sitting on my mother’s bed in her bedroom where I used to live. It had been a rough day caused by the turbulence of many mood swings and anger over schooling.

It was after noon. My father had come uptown (he made a special trip to see me that day) so we could talk about things. The conversation was probably long, but I only remember two bits of it right now.

At one point, we spoke about the medications and how much I detested them. We bainstormed on what could be done, and after a while we concluded that there was only one way that I would be able to free myself of them: do what they do for me physiologically by myself.

Bipolar Disorder Has a Physical Root

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness which has physical roots. The brain of a bipolar person is literally physically different than the brain of someone who is not. One of the differences is in the mixture of the chemicals that the brain swims in.

A bipolar person’s brain is swimming in a bath of chemicals that have various different levels of neurotransmitters which cause the symptoms bipolar disorder is so known for. In other words, our brain’s chemical makeup is literally different from a “healthy” person’s brain. Since these neurotransmitters (chemicals) are actually physical molecules, bipolar disorder can be said to have a physical root.

My Personal Bipolar Brain

I was taking lithium and depakote at the time. Depakote is a medication which increases production of the neurotransmitter dopamine, if I remember correctly. Dopamine is one neurotransmitter which makes people feel happy and content. (In fact, surges of dopamine are exactly what taking drugs such as heroin cause in the brain.) Lithium is a mood stabilizer and, I think, it causes increases in seratonin levels. Seratonin is another neurotransmitter with a similar effect as dopamine.

Long story short, my brain was literally missing physical components it needed in order to function well. The only way to ensure that I would function properly and ultimately be happy and healthy was to give it these physical things that I did not have on my own. That is why I needed medication.

The Bipolar’s Catch-22

When I recognized that I am bipolar, I naturally started thinking in circular logic. Since I couldn’t trust my own emotions to be accurate representations of and responses to incoming stimuli, every time I was confronted with a choice of any sort I started asking myself “Is this really based on what happened or is it based on my bipolar disorder’s mutation of it?”

The nasty problem with bipolar disorder is that it is an illness which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once I’d asked myself that question, I had to ask myself the same question about the answer I had just provided as an answer to the first question. “Was my evaluation really based on what I felt or was it based on my bipolar disorder’s permutations of my feelings?” This is a never-ending cycle that causes one to second-guess oneself all the time (and for good reason).

At its root, this second-guessing is caused by the fact that my brain doesn’t have a working set of the physical stuff it needs to make an emotionally aware and informed choice. There is no way around this except to give my brain these things, but the only way to do this is through medication. Since I didn’t want to take medication, there seemed, at first, to be no solution to this problem.

Moods Change the Brain’s Chemical Balance

Then it occured to us that since moods were caused by physical things (changes in the levels of neurotransmitters and chemicals in one’s head), changes in mood also changed the physical makeup (the balance of chemicals) in the brain. This means that when I was sad there was literally something different in my head than when I was happy twenty minutes later.

The Magic Twenty Minutes

Twenty minutes is actually the approximate time it takes for the chemical bath in the brain to drain and be replaced by an entirely new chemical bath. This is the physiological basis for the reason why a short, fifteen to twenty minute “cool-down” period is so effective in changing people’s attitudes towards things, such as when they fight. After this period, their brain literally has different stuff in it. In the case of bipolar people, it means our moods have been “refreshed” and we are starting from a blank slate as far as our impulsive emotional responses are concerned.

So since my moods change the physical makeup of my bain, it was logical that controlling these moods would mean that I could control the balance of neurotransmitter levels inside my head. By controlling moods well enough as to orchestrate the same levels of neurotransmitters which the medications gave me, I would be able to effect the same change as I had been getting with the medication without actually taking the medication.

Of course, this brings us back to the problem of the chicken-and-the-egg, to our catch-22. In order for this to work, I needed to create the proper chemical balance in my head without having the proper chemical balance in there to start with and without having the physical chemicals I needed to give myself said balance. What to do?

Journey Towards Self-Awareness and Control

Like I said at the start of this entry, humans are amazing creatures. We can make the impossible possible. The only way out of the dilemma of my bipolar disorder versus its need for medications that I had was to make the impossible possible.

Fighting Internal Demons

At the end of the talk with my father, he stood up and walked towards the doorway. He sighed heavily. Then he stopped and turned around, with both a genuinely sympathetic and understanding expression on his face. He said, Oi, vey, vey, my boy is fighting with his internal demons.

Fighting, or perhaps taming, my internal demons has been what my entire life has always been about. In fact, I think that most people’s lives focus around this issue, but I was lucky enough to have a parent who correctly addressed this issue directly and made it the top priority in my formative years. The process is long, hard, bloody, cruel, depressing, but ultimately rewarding. It’s also not even close to being over.

This battle with my own demons is the process of making the impossible possible. It’s what has enabled me to stay largely self-aware a good deal of the time, which is necessary to maintain a semblance of control over my moods so I can control, more or less, what kinds of chemicals are in there at any given moment. It’s literally the impossible fight for me to win.

Hope Everywhere

But I do have hope. Today, after my squash game with my uncle, I came home and was reading Greg’s blog, when I came upon this entry of his linking to several video clips of mind tricks.

One of the clips addresses the issue of the power and danger of the human being’s ability to believe things head-on, and that was what inspired me to write this entry. In fact, dangit, I meant to be working on my site and now I’m late for a party. See what you did, Greg? ;)

Stuff like this always reminds me of the incredible power we hold over our own lives. That makes me happy. Stuff like this also always reminds me about how many people give that power up so easily, often without even knowing they had it in the first place. That makes me sad.

Written by Meitar

April 9th, 2005 at 7:14 pm

Week (In) Review

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I have been doing very well these past few days. I’ve been feeling happy, getting things done, and meeting new people, several of whom are quickly becoming friends. (That’s saying a lot for me.) I’ve barely spent much time at home for the past few days and have been going out quite regularly.

All of these social events have begun thanks to the myriad social networks I’ve joined online lately. I don’t really frequent more than about half of them regularly, but the fact that I’m on them all has given me this sense of outreach, like I’m trying to find like-minded people and letting them find me. If nothing else, that’s very optimistic and it helps keep my head on my shoulders whenever I think about how much I dislike humanity at large.

Which reminds me, actually, that I’ve been wanting to do much more with all the RSS feeds that these networks publish. Specifically, I want to get my StumbleUpon site review blog aggregated on this site, as well as my list of goals at 43 Things, to name a few. (My del.icio.us links are another which comes to mind.)

Sunday Night’s Hypomania

So on Sunday night, I spoke with an acquaintance online and despite the largely superficial nature of our conversation (how much can you really say about computers and cereal?) I really enjoyed it. I had woken up that day in the late afternoon, around six o’clock or so, and was originally disappointed in myself because I expected the night to be fruitless. Usually, when I wake up that late and don’t feel very motivated, nothing gets done and I spend the night wishing I felt more productive.

Thankfully, that conversation started the night off on the right foot. Beginning in a proper state of mind has proven to be one of the most important factors for me to get things done. I ended up staying up all night working on Maymay Media‘s improved navigation bars and then, past the crack of dawn, started putting together my portfolio.

Obviously, I still have more to do. I’ve learned a long time ago that web sites are never finished, merely abandoned at some point, but I’ve also learned that this is a good thing. Leaving things unfinished gives me a reason, if not always the motivation, to return to them.

Monday’s Marathon

After staying up for all of Sunday night and most of Monday morning, I was sure I’d collapse sometime in the early afternoon on Monday. Instead, I glanced at my calendar and saw that one of the meetings I wanted to attend was going to be happening that night. The draw to this meeting wasn’t actually the meeting itself, however. It was a couple of gals I’d met the week before who said they’d be there that night.

It’s very rare for me to find anybody I feel is both intelligent and nice and also with whom I can feel instantly at ease and comfortable around. Miraculously, the meeting on the 28th of March, I met two of these people at the same time. Not surprisingly, the two are mutual friends.

Last week the three of us spoke at some length about various topics. I gave one of them, Melinda, my card (the critical networking tool of which I ran out that night!) and said good night. Throughout the week, Melinda and I exchanged emails in which we continued talking about geeky things such as the FPDF PHP library, CSS, economics and the like.

This week, after the meeting, we spoke about far more personal things (though there was some geekiness thrown into the mix), such as family and friends or the lack thereof. Melinda and Hannah invited me to come over to their place for the night (actually, Melinda’s roommate’s place where Hannah frequently crashes) to watch a movie and hang out. I happily accepted, glad to be able to continue the conversation and also thankful that I could avoid the subways that night. By then, it was already past midnight!

Sleeping Over at a New Friend’s Place

I learned several things at their place. First, the best shortcut to steamed milk is through some kind of kitchen doo-dad that looks way too much like a sex toy to my eyes to be kept in the kitchen. Second, and more importantly, there really are people I can relate to out there. I just have to find them.

The conversation lasted ’til about three in the morning (there was no movie-watching), when I was finally too tired to do much of anything and had to go to sleep. Melinda was kind enough to make my bed on their sofa and provided several blankets to sleep with. I fell asleep very easily and slept soundly until noon the next day.

I awoke feeling refreshed, rested, and relaxed. (Yes, relaxed. Don’t ask, that’s just what I felt.) I hopped out to the deli to grab some milk and a quick supplement to the breakfast I was provided (yummy bagels and lox spread), and then Melinda and I spoke for another couple of hours in the afternoon.

I knew I had things to do that day but found myself trying to find reasons to stay at her place and not come home to my empty apartment. I did come home, however, and spent much of the day listening to music I hadn’t heard in years and continuing to work on my personal projects. That night, I hopped on down to the Sci-Fi Meetup.

Tuesday’s Terrific Meetup

Though it was my first time at this particular meetup group, I enjoyed it immensely. There were at least eight others there, and most were rather talkative. All were welcoming and friendly.

The best part of the whole thing, however, was that I recognized a man whom I had first met months ago at a PHP Meetup. After the meetup was over, the two of us took the same train home since we live only blocks apart. The man is a business-owner and a long-time Linux user, which are only two reasons why I’m glad I got to talk to him so much.

All in all, a very productive day.

Penn’s Birthday Was on Wednesday

Today, (actually, yesterday by now) I spent the day with my father and with my younger brother, Penn. Penn was given the day off from school in celebration of his 8th birthday. I joined the two of them at 4:30 in the afternoon to go see Robots, the heart-warming animated movie made by the Ice Age people.

After that, we headed to Neutral Ground so Penn could get new Duelmasters cards and I could learn the game. (Don’t give me that look, it’s not so bad and it was for him.) I’ve heard a lot about this place from my father, who seems absolutely entranced by the whole concept of trading card games. One of the things he kept saying is something I noticed while I was there, too, and which gave the place an air of familiarity unlike anything else.

Respect and Equality; The Way It Should Have Been Naturally

People at Neutral Ground treated each other with the utmost respect. The thing that might seem strange to some people is that these are people with absolutely no common denominator; old people, young people, black people, white people, thugs, geeks. It didn’t matter who you were as long as you enjoyed playing games with others.

Several people came up to us as we were playing and asked questions about our decks. Penn answered them all smartly, and they listened to him (an eight-year-old, remember) as if he were their age. It was just so refreshing.

Why aren’t more people like this? Why is there this stupid notion that respect comes from age or some other status like money? The way things worked at Neutral Ground seemed to make far more sense to me than anything else I’ve encountered. Status was a non-issue, and thanks to that respect was mutual and sincere and permeated every square inch of the place. I’d go back just to watch people interact with each other and if you ever get the opportunity to do so, I highly recommend it.

Sleep Cycles Messed Up Again

All of this excitement and happiness has caused one not-so-great thing; my sleep is absolutely erratic. At this point, however, I’m beginning to think that this sort of behavior is more natural for me than anything else. Why fight the whole bipolar hypomania thing when it’s so productive?

Yes, yes, I know the arguments. I’ve also been on both sides of the fence; I’ve felt great when I had a routine in a different way from how wonderful I felt when I was hypomanic and productive. I just don’t think it’s helpful for me to make a choice for one over another at this point. And with that, I bid you (an early morning) “good night.”

Written by Meitar

April 7th, 2005 at 6:22 am