Everything In Between

Earlier today I mentioned to Sara that it seemed to me as if so much had changed in our lives in the past eight months. Ten months ago I was just getting out of a painful relationship, and she was a college student. Then for four months we were living out of the back of a car while we travelled across 14,000 miles of North America. Now we’re living in a very New York apartment with concerns like finding jobs and making money.

And in a few more weeks, my life will change drastically yet again; the other day I was informed that I had been officially hired for a new job in (what else?) tech support for Macs.

Even though I am very excited, and internally I feel like jumping for joy and throwing boxes of confetti everywhere, other people’s reactions to this news have been so animated that it feels more appropriate if I just smile and nod. Someone’s got to keep a level head about it. There’s a lot of paperwork to fill out and all sorts of dates and times and things to confirm. It’s certainly helpful that I’ve recently gotten myself so much more organized.

Sometime near the end of this month I’ll be starting training, a several week process that—I believe—requires that I get ACDT and ACPT certified. I’ll be taking these courses at the Apple campus in California, so this is also a heads-up that I’m going to be out of town for a few weeks soon. (I wonder if the classes will incorporate any information on the new Intel iMacs and MacBooks)

In between all of this preparation regarding new employment, I’ve been doing several web design projects, as well as my usual bouts of tinkering and researching. I’ve had quite a full plate and been enjoying successes in all these areas. As an added bonus, I finally got my new cell phone today which means that I can now be reached at the cell number you have for me. I’m thinking of getting the black swivel holster for it as well.

Unfortunately, Sara’s not been as happy as I have lately, though this contrast between our respective mood baselines has been enlightening. It’s sad that I seem to need to see someone else depressed to notice the fact that I haven’t been depressed in a long time, but it sure does highlight that fact. It also indirectly highlights quite a few others that have shown me just how far along I’ve come from my not-so-distant and very depressed past.

1. I’m able to self-motivate a lot better than I used to be able to do.
2. I’m able to keep timed committments a lot more reliably than I used to be able to.
3. I’m far more able to foresee, manage, and generate financial income than I used to be able to, even if most of my sources of income still rely heavily on connections from family and friends. (That is, I’m able to perform more money-making actions.)

In any event, I’m looking forward to the rest of 2006 with a little more confidence than I faced 2005 with.

It’s amazing how big this place feels without her here. I should be cleaning, I know, but instead I can barely bring myself to make breakfast. I’ve just now begun to heat some canned soup.

It’s just one night. She’ll be back with the car tomorrow. In the mean time, however, I find myself wishing I still had cable television service.

I have been staving off a valley in my mood cycle for a while now. That is, I’ve been trying to and have been cycling rather noticably in the past two weeks. I have felt the echoes of very familiar demons inside my head.

Earlier today, after I spent the day at the Bronx Zoo, my moods took a dip and I felt my head begin to spiral out of control. I feel like I’m drowning…like falling into black ooze, I later told Sara. It’s frustrating; I’m so still and quiet on the outside and I’m screaming on the inside. And then I’m screaming at myself, telling myself to talk so that other people around me—so that you—can understand me. …It’s hard to talk or to move. I feel like stone.

I see no way for me to do that moment justice by describing it. Frozen, I squeezed her hand when she passed by to check on me. She stayed with me for the next half hour telling me a story until I could speak again.

Thank you, love.

Sara and I made this list on the subway as we went downtown towards the garment district today:

Things To Do

• Museum of Natural History
• Magnolia Bakery
• Rollerblading
• Single-tail
• Rue des Crepes
• Cloisters
• Guggenheim
• Chirping Chicken
• Heroboy
• The Met[ropolitan Museum of Art]
• Renfaires! :)
• LARP
• Road trip
• Sail

She shopped for fabrics at a store on 39^th Street. After that I took her to Heroboy (and thus struck it from our list of things to do). Once we had eaten (our first meal of the day), we walked through “commercialism central” and stopped at H&M and Old Navy to get me new clothes.

I now have three new shirts, which each fit me rather well and I’m happy to say look “hot” on me (w00t!), and six new pairs of boxers, which I just wanted because I don’t want to do laundry yet. Shopping was fun because it made me feel accomplished; I completed something I had been meaning to do. It also had strong tones of “coupledom,” this feeling I keep having moments of in the best possible way.

It unnerved me that I had suddenly found a new relationship so quickly after breaking up a short while ago. Without any doubt, however, the best part about this relationship is that it is the first in which I feel I can be completely self-expressive, the whole of who I am, and trust that all of that is not too much to handle; when she pushes, I push back—when we fight, we call it a draw. Athena and Apollo.

The rest of the night was spent with Sarah at her place of work. It really pays to be friends with the bartender! The three of us went out for a late dinner after she closed up at around midnight and spoke of personal history and future plans.

Summer is upon us. I love summer.

I have been feeling good for what seems like an abnormally long period of time. I still feel the mini-swings between lulls and bursts of activity, but dare I say that everyone experiences these things? Yes, I dare. Am I really approaching normal?

My father is understandably concerned. I am keeping a close eye on myself as well, and I’m doing my best not to let things swing too far in either direction. I’m also trying to do my best to maintain that balance between work, socializing, and personal time that I was so adamant about earlier.

Being Social

The past couple of days have swung heavily in the social direction. I suspect this has more to do with the fact that, all of a sudden, most of my friends and acquaintances are actually of college age and, not surprisingly, are graduating college this year. (Just my luck, right?) They all feel it too; everyone seems to be in this bittersweet melancholy mood, bracing for change.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Sara lately, which, of course, meant profuse amounts of introspection and self-reflection and conversation about introspection and self-reflection. Sin City on Thursday night was a lot of fun, but more fun than the movie was the hand-holding and the various other forms of cuddling.

End of the Year College Party

Friday afternoon and early evening sported more conversation between Sara and I over breakfast (which, for me, was a cobb salad that is probably still in her suite’s refridgerator). Later that night, starting from about ten o’clock, her suite hosted an end-of-the-year party. Several things struck me about that party.

• I knew way more people than I would have thought. Not just knew of them but was, sort of, actually friends with many of them. A surprisingly high number, actually. Of all the things going on for me right now, realizing that I’m actually social will be the hardest to get used to. Here’s a list of folks off the top of my head:
  • Jeff was there, and—get this—I actually first met him back when Juliana had invited me to be a naked extra in The Naked Show several years ago. We really connected when I started talking about my old office/tech support job, since that’s what he’s currently escaping.
  • Sara, Sarah, Sarah, and Sarah were all there. Yeah, that many Sarahs. One Sarah I had first met (extremely briefly) the night of Hamlet last week. Another was the one Sara and I took to see Sin City the day before. The other Sarah was one whom I had wanted to get to talk to for some time because she’s a new kind of techie I do not yet know well—I biomedical engineer, I think. Anyway, conversations with all four were nice.
  • Tall German guy who apparently knew more about me than I did about him. The party last night got that sorted out (we talked and whatnot) so now I can actually say that I know a little about Oliver.
  • Emily, another person who knew more about me than I did her. We joked about Judaism, parents (nothing too bad, Aba ve Ima), and alcohol. (Mental image: hyper Jewish girls. ‘Nuff said.)
  • I also got approached by another fine young man whom I vaguely knew but had not really spoken to before. We conversed about CV, its future, and my suggestions for the organization.
  • Melinda attended, and so did Al, whom I know because Melinda got me to attend the Columbia Philosophy Forum discussions. It was when Al walked in that I felt that familiar “It’s a small world” feeling.
• Parties are fun. Let me repeat that, and this time remember who’s blog you’re reading: parties are fun. Of course, I had a great time because I was with friends, but the point remains; I think I can finally relate to all those “normal” kids who really enjoyed partying. Sure, it wasn’t exactly my kind of party, but it was still fun.
• I’m an incredible lightweight and for many reasons (not least of which is safety) I don’t drink alcohol. Nevertheless, I downed a small bottle and a half of Woodchuck (which is evidently not a bird) and still actually had a good time. For the record, yes, thoughts such as “I’m buzzed; that means I need to be extra careful now” were front-and-center in my head.

Back to Work—Sort’a

Today I met with Jon about one of the side projects we’re working on together. I have a bunch of templates to design and build now, which is good because it gives the work aspect of my life something fun to latch on to and be excited about. I also exchanged emails with Dana about the NYCwireless web site, though I’m not as clear about what needs to happen on that project.

Also, yesterday I met with Cal (the man who emailed me after seeing me on 43 Things) and he spoke a lot about business, as well as several other things. He seems to be a really remarkable person and I readily admit that I’m pleasantly surprised by that. I’ll be looking into a suggestion of his, namely to get myself a “Doing Business As” form for Maymay Media.

Tonight, I’m headed down to a bar (a bar!) to meet with a friend (one of the Sarahs). Before that, however, I’m going to hop into the shower because after Squash today (my uncle and I played 7 games; I won 3 of them!) I desperately need it.

A brief run-down of poly resources and other things I don’t want to forget about. The fact that I was asked about such resources twice recently makes this quite blogworthy, too. I should probably put this in a wiki, but since I haven’t got one running at the moment, this will have to do.

I’ll probably add stuff every so often as I find it and deem it helpful. Be aware that some of these resources are decidely local to New York City, since that’s where I am. If you live elsewhere, however, there are certain to be polyamory groups near you. (I know of quite a few around America and even in Europe, so feel free to ask me for the links if you’re interested.)

Sorted in order of (my) perceived quality and introductory importance so that a newcomer can simply run down the list, the polyamory resources are:

Online Poly Resources and Sites on the Web

Polyamory? What, like, two girlfriends?

The must-read intro about what is (and is not) polyamory. This is the single most immediately beneficial document I have ever read on the subject.

Additionally, xeromag.com has a whole bunch of other extremely well-written and informative guides to polyamory. They are each very helpful. I guarantee you these documents will help create an important foundation for talking about and dealing with polyamory and the concept of “open” (or perhaps “not-quite-normal”) relationship(s).

Some of the other articles at xeromag are:

• Never Do This: Poly Mistakes: How to screw up a poly relationship even if you are compassionate and well-intentioned.

  This is the other must-read guide, written in negative form. It’s also got some great refridgerator-worthy items. It informs you (the easy way) about some of the pitfalls you might fall into when trying to build stable, happily non-monogamous relationships. (Reading this over recently made me sad…for obvious reasons.)

• Dos and Don’ts for Poly Relationships: A guide for poly relationships outlining the fundamental dos and don’ts that every poly relationship needs.

  When I get a printer, I intend to put some of these on my refridgerator because they’re useful for every-day relationships as well.

• Poly Myths: Debunking the myths about polyamory.

  This is a good place to point people when they start talking about why polyamory can’t ever work, and how the whole thing is just thinly-veiled promiscuity or sexual greediness. Believe me, you talk about this stuff enough and someone’s going to tell you these things. Of course, whether or not they read (and hear) it is up to them.

• Poly Relationships for Monogamous People: What it might mean if your partner just told you that they’re polyamorous.

  Obviously, this is a good article to point your spouse or partner to if you’re coming out as polyamorous. It’s written in that same question-and-answer format as all the other articles and has some very good advice for what could come next.

• What Your Partner Wants You to Know: …but might not be able to articulate.

  This article is not a substitute for your own words, but it does do a good job of helping you formulate your thoughts and provides a good vocabulary from which to draw.

alt.polyamory home page

The original polyamory resource, which grew out of the old alt.polyamory usenet newsgroup. The most immediately beneficial portion of this site is right at the top of the home page where the FAQs are listed. These are long-standing documents which are frequently pointed to. They’re also very beneficial for newcomers and serve as helpful reminders for folks in polyamorous relationships. These are important to know.

Loving More FAQ And Terms

Polyamory has many names, because many people have moved towards the idea on their own and in their own way. There is no “one true way” to love. This is a online magazine published by one such group of people who term the concept “Loving More” (or LM). Their FAQs are helpful, too.

Polyamorous-NYC

There is only one best way to learn about anything, and that is by doing. When you’re ready to interact with others who are polyamorous, this is a great place to go to meet people and learn more. Note that it is not a sex club, but rather an educational organization intended to nurture a prosperous polyamorous community in New York City.

How to Educate Your Therapist About Polyamory

Published at the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality in Volume 5 on April 16, 2002, this document is an outline of a talk given to the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and includes some important notes for physchologists and therapists as well as their clients.

Tristate Poly

This is an online organization similar to Poly-NYC (above), though there is no “membership” per-se. I’ve found that this means that not everyone here will be truly polyamorous; I’ve met swingers there as well, and swinging has very little to do with polyamoroury. (Swingers can be polyamorous, and polyamorous people can be swingers, but there is a huge distinction between these two concepts and one should take care not to mix the two.) Nevertheless, it is good to know that this community exists and is somewhat active as well.

PolyMatchMaker

This is an online personals site devoted to helping polyamorous folk meet one another. Note that it is not a sex or porn site (very much unlike the FriendFinder network of adult personals sites); that means no profanity or sexually explicit material is allowed on PolyMatchMaker. This site is about meeting people, not finding random sexual encounters. Swingers should go elsewhere.

Spice!

Spice! is an online comic strip that portrays the life of a polyamorous family with children. It’s the only comic I’ve ever found of its kind, and it’s not that bad either. The artwork is cute, and the jokes are decidely poly-centric. (Like this one, and this one, and this one for instance.)

LiveJournal Polyamory Community

This is a community of online diarists who write about their experiences and thoughts with and on polyamory. People post new entries frequently, and many members comment on others’ entries offering support, advice, and feedback.

Subspace

Subspace is a web site for and by people who practice both BDSM and polyamory. They have a collection of articles, links to other articles, a decently active message board, and even a poetry archive.

Books and Other Printed Literature

These are polyamorous resources published in books or other printed literature. Some cost money, some do not, but they are all helpful. (Some book listings borrowed from Franklin Veaux’s poly links page)

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

The definitive guide to infinite sexual possibilities and polyamorous relationships. Includes an abundance of background information, supportive validation, and practical advice on how to deal with the realities of a poly relationship (yes, including jealousy).

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah M, Dr. Anapol

An excellent resource for polyamorous people. Focuses more on polyfidelity than on other kinds of polyamory, but another all-around recommended read.

The Myth of Monogamy by David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton

Written by a husband and wife team of behavioral scientists, this book explores non-monogamy from a behavioral, genetic, and moral standpoint. The book is not hostile to monogamy, but it makes the statement that in humans, a relationship model is a matter of both biology and choice. It argues that monogamy is not more inherently “natural” than non-monogamy.

Movies and Video Material

When Two Won’t Do (directed by David Finch, circa 2002)

This real-life documentary made by a couple (and inspired by grappling with issues in their own relationship) takes you on a trip across America with them as they discover first-hand how people have “open” relationships.

If you know of a resource I’ve not listed here which helped you a great deal (especially when you were first learning about polyamory) then please drop me a line. (You can either comment on this entry or email me as meitar at a domain called maymay dot net.) Naturally, I also hope that this page might some day help others find what they need.

At this late hour, I haven’t the wits to add much value it, however this entry by Dave Pollard on the topic of polyamory is such a compelling read that I encourage you to drop what you’re doing and read it right now.

(Here is the first article in the series.)

Just a few notes before I take a nap, or possibly retire for the day.

• On Wednesday, the movers came to take the bulk of Danica’s belongings to her new apartment. Despite earlier insistence that I would not help her out in the morning, I ended up waking up slightly prior to eight o’clock to help her disassemble the sofa and gather a few other things. The movers were out of here by nine o’clock, and Danica left shortly thereafter to meet them at her new place.

  I spent a great deal of the day surfing online and trying to do work. I was too tired to really be productive nor did I feel capable of going to the gym, but in the end I did manage to switch the Maymay Media weblog template over to the new design and fix up the home page a little. I still need to do a lot of work on that site.

• Later that afternoon, just before it started getting dark, Danica returned to the apartment. She started packing various other things she left here (evidently there’s no such thing as “moving day” for her) as I was on the computer. In the evening, I decided to come downtown with her to help her take more things on a single trip.

  We left the apartment at around 9:30 PM, and I did not make it back home until almost two o’clock in the morning. The trains were running local for some reason, the stuff was heavy, and the elevators in the station were acting up. Eventually, we made it to her new place and set her things down.

  I got to meet Georgi, her new cat, who took to me instantly. (I’m a cat person; they like me.) Then we went out for dinner (pizza) at Two Boots. Saying goodbye was awkward and Danica wanted me to stay at her place for the night. Nevertheless, I took the long, boring subway ride I know so damn well back home and got back online to check email before what was supposed to be a decently-early bedtime.

  I actually didn’t go to sleep until 8:30 AM. I was tired, but somehow I couldn’t get used to the emptyness of the apartment, so I sat at my computer all night importing as many of Danica’s CDs she still had here. She said she’d be back early this morning to come and pick up more of her things. By the time she arrived I had been sleeping for several hours.

• She woke me up, um, rather sexually sometime around noon. She was moody pretty much from then on all day today. She later confessed to not taking her medications for almost two weeks now because she can’t find them anywhere. This was not really a surprise considering the monumental and drastic mood swings she’s been having today. (Crying, laughing, crying, laughing, you know the drill.)

  She packed more of her things, but not all of them. (Yes, there really is that much…stuff.) We ordered Indian takeout for breakfast (er, lunch, actually) and then she packed some more. She left moments ago in tears, saying that she was angry at herself for not getting as many things done today as she had planned. (That always happens, though. Even to me.)

So due to my extremely long Wednesday and total lack of sleep, I completely fucked up today. I had intended to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with Christine (she called me yesterday and we made plans) but I had to break them before I went to bed in the morning since I knew I would be useless today. (I sent her a SMS, which I really hope she received.)

After that, I had wanted to go to the Web Design Meetup, and had I done so this would have been the first Web Design Meetup that I attended. As it stands now, however, I’m going to have to wait another month since there’s no chance in hell that I’ll be able to make it this time anymore.

This is really, really frustrating because it feels like yet another day going by that I don’t have my life in order. I imagine Danica feels similarly, but at least I can handle it, well, not that badly. And now to forget about everything for a few hours to prevent my head from hitting the keyboard.

Taking Care of the Apartment

The other day, I went shopping for some housewares. I got myself a new kettle, Brita® pitcher and some filters, some large tupperware, scissors, and other assorted household necessities. I spent an outrageous amount of money (including groceries for the week), but it felt more than good to actually get that stuff over and done with.

Next came household maintenance, including vacuuming (still need a new vacuum cleaner), taking out the garbage, fixing my paper towel holder thingy which fell off the kitchen wall, dishes, cleaning the bathroom a little, and yet more. Danica has been clearing her stuff out of the way for the past couple of days now and it finally began to show some visible progress two days ago. While the majority of the floorspace is still littered with her stuff and large cardboard and plastic boxes, there is actually more space to spread my own things out now.

Most of the cleaning involved picking up discarded tissues, toilet paper, and napkins that had been left by Danica. I tossed an empty toilet paper cylinder (at least she had replaced it on her own this time), did some of her dishes, wiped down the table and kitchen counter, collected some of her reciepts and papers into more manageable piles, and put some of her knick-knacks into her moving boxes. It will certainly be a relief not to have to continue to do this sort of cleaning up after her. (Note to self: if I get a roommate, ensure that they are capable of actually keeping a tidy space.)

I don’t have nearly enough crap to fill up the whole apartment, but having extra space is always nice. She has called the movers and set a date—this upcoming Wednesday, which would be the 9^th of March—for the (major part of the) move. This means I intend to collect no less than one-and-a-half week’s rent money from her immediately, and I left a note for her to that effect just now.

Nights are Quiet

Interestingly, Danica called me about an hour ago and told me she would not be coming home tonight. She is spending the second night in a row tonight babysitting a co-worker’s pet. In fact, she is adopting the pet. When she called and told me that she had been given cat food and booze, I told her to remember that the cat food is for the pet and the booze is for her, and that it was very important that she did not mix the two up.

Keeping a sense of humor about such things is very helpful. It’s also easy for me to do when I’m exhausted. I only managed to sleep about three hours last night and still kept my Squash date with my uncle. Playing Squash was an intense workout, but it was also very fun. I’m looking forward to another game next Sunday.

It’s still very hard for me to be alone here. When Danica is fully moved out it will mark the very first time in my life where I am truly, completely alone. I will somehow have to make a home of this house, at least for the next year, and right now that seems impossible to do when I have to do it all on my own.

In Other Personal News

The other noteworthy events that have happened over the past couple of days are fading from my memory very quickly. I have little desire to save them from slipping away, however, because I feel they are mostly superfluous to everything I have already written about with one exception, which is still too half-baked and personal for me to feel comfortable sharing with the world. This is the reason for my lack of intense self-reflection lately.

Instead, I have been a bit of an online social butterfly lately, engaging in various debates on online sites, friends’ blogs, and the like. One particularly interesting conversation took place with a pastor’s wife and involved the controvercial Vagina Monologues play. I was proud of myself for showing such intense and fierce loyalty to my friend in this discussion.

Short Self-Studies on Abraham Maslow

I’ve also been doing some very general research on a one Abraham Maslow who is most famous for his theory of the so-called Hierarchy of Need among living creatures. I never heard of this before, nor of the man, but apparently everyone else has.

Reading a few articles on his work made me feel exceptionally bright; I have been articulating many of the same things as he said years ago for a long time in various forms. In fact, I was reminded of the time when Charla first introduced me to Ayn Ran.

She had said, Are you sure you’ve never heard of her before? I assured her I had not, and wanted to know more about why she was relevant to our discussion on ethics and morals. She told me, and I will never forget this because it makes me feel so validated (and smart), Because you’re saying everything we learned in our lecture today about her. Those who call me arrogant are absolutely correct in their assessments.

Anyway, while reading about Maslow’s theories, I was very glad to notice many traits of what he termed self-actualizers in myself. I noticed both the positive traits and the negative traits, however, so this self-study has not helped me reach any conclusions to the question, “Would I really prefer to be an average person?” (Sometimes I ask that question hourly, usually triggered by different things, and usually set aside with the temporary conclusion that no, I would not prefer it.)

Nevertheless, it was educational, informative, and now I have some ammunition to back up what I’ve been saying about people and their motivations, wants, and needs (and the difference between the three) for a long time. Personally, I found plenty of his work to be extremely simplistic, but Maslow himself admitted to this and this mitigates my scorn of some of his methodologies and conclusions. There is no doubt that there is much ground left to cover for future philosophical psychologists.

Hell, maybe I should be doing that instead of writing computer code for a living.

Back to the Practical

In the meantime, however, I have a dental appointment scheduled for eight o’clock tomorrow morning (er, this morning now) so there isn’t much time to be contemplating what my calling is. I’m a little pissed that I haven’t figured that out yet. I know, I know, patience is a virtue.

After the dental exam, I don’t have any concrete plans for the day. My calendar is full of Meetup meetings, starting with Tuesday’s Mac Meetup Group (which I currently organize) and continuing every day with a different group until Friday’s Rubik’s Cube Meetup (which I also organize, but which currently has only one local member—me! Come on and get out here folks, I’ll teach you to solve it yourself in a matter of days). I am hoping to meet some interesting people this week.

I desperately need an extended social life. I love you all (I’m speaking to my frequent commenters now), but none of you save for family is in New York, and now that I have my own bachelor pad, I should probably be putting it to good use with parties and whatnot. Or at the very least haul my ass off to other people’s apartments for parties.

This seems like as good a way as any to expand my social horizons, so I’m going to see what comes of it. Of course, I have no interest in getting to know people I don’t like, so clubbing and hitting the bars are out. Since I don’t go to school or have any other structured social activity like a nine-to-five, that pretty much forces me to get creative.

Feel free to pass any suggestions you might have my way. Many thanks, and a Gmail account to you and a friend of your choosing if your suggestion nets me a new acquaintance.

Sigh. I just had a huge fight with Danica. No, more accurately, I blew up at her. If it weren’t for being home and being unable to relax or sleep, I’d actually feel quite good about it.

Catching Up on Work

I managed to do some work today. In the morning, I was actually woken up by a call from a client who I do very minor recurring work for. She asked if I had gotten her emails and had been wondering if she sent them to the right address since she never heard back from me.

My bad, of course, so I apologized and told her I’d get to work on her web site right away. I did, and managed to finish all of what I needed to do in a matter of hours. (Like I said, minor, minor work, despite having been piling up for the past week or so.) By 5:30 PM I was killing time again when my mother called me and told me to come over to her apartment tonight.

Short Visit to My Mother’s

I left for my mother’s at around eight o’clock in the evening. Once there I made myself dinner (er, lunch, no, actually it was more like breakfast) consisting of toast and tahini along with two chocolate doughnuts and a few pastries. I watched some TV briefly, and left for home sometime shortly after ten o’clock.

When I got home, the house was dark and empty as I had left it and as I expected. Danica was working the closing shift at work today and I didn’t expect her home for another forty-five minutes or so. This morning before work, she had left the house before I woke up and finally gotten the keys to her new apartment from the realtor.

Danica Pushes My Buttons

When she returned, I greeted her at the door for a moment before returning to my computer. I was listening to some random selection of music from my iTunes library and, after Danica took off her shoes and set her things down, one of the first things she did was ask me to lower it temporarily while she listened to a CD she was inserting into her computer. She plugged her headphones into the computer after I lowered the music.

Three: Randy’s Song to Danica

I asked her what it was and she responded that I probably didn’t want to know. This meant one thing: Randy had given her something to listen to. Sure enough, moments later she held up a plastic CD cover on which severeal lines of text were scribbled in all-caps black permanent marker. It was a song on a burned CD that Randy had made for Danica.

She offered a paltry and rather unapologetic Sorry, Mei… which I sort of scoffed at. I turned back around silently to my computer and resumed my own music. Perhaps defiantly, I simply didn’t care to accomodate Danica’s desire for a quiet environment so that she could hear his song.

Two: Danica Asks for Cooking Advice

She listened to the song, I heard her sigh and sniffle, and then she went to the kitchen. She began preparing dinner for herself from the chinese take-out leftovers we had kept the night before. Then she came to me and asked my opinion on which type of oil that we had in stock would be best for making fried rice.

I answered a very curt, I don’t really care, to which she responded,
Okay…thanks anyways. She went about making her dinner and I went about wasting my time online. Before she had finished with dinner, I entered the kitchen partially to do the dishes and partially to apologize for my earlier curtness.

Attempted Diffusion

I told her that I was sorry for being so curt but that I had done so because I was pissed off at her contemptible apology earlier. I also noted that I had long since stopped believing what she says (long since being read as since our break up). This upset her and she left the kitchen to call her mother.

I finished up the dishes (including the plates and the pan she had just used) and went to sit at my computer again. From there, I could hear her talking with her mother. Much of the conversation Danica had with her mother revolved around the current living situation, her work and finances, and me.

One: Danica Talks to Her Mother

As usual, I wish I had a tape recorder. There are just so many inaccuracies in the form of “not the whole truth” that I could write a whole blog entry merely listing each one along with the full context. I can’t even count the number of times I felt like getting out of my chair, grabbing the phone away from her, and filling her mother in on the rest of the facts. And I’m only counting the things that were said directly about me!

Somehow, Danica effortlessly and indignantly justified her spin as, and I quote, [My mother] doesn’t need to know all that! This is, by the way, exactly why I no longer trust what comes out of her mouth. I have heard her do this with so many other people about so many other things (and I’ve even mentioned this before) that I’ve finally learned to no longer believe what comes out of her mouth at face value.

The thing that finally got to me, though, was when I heard Danica talking to her mother about trying to get back her share of the security deposit she paid me when we moved in to this apartment. As she was discussing it with her mother I deduced that her mother wanted to know why I wouldn’t or haven’t given it back. Danica told her that if she talked to me about it, I’d just bring up all the money she owes me on various other things.

Two things about this pissed me the fuck off. (Yes, I actually just emphasized “the fuck” in a sentence.)

• Firstly, I have already gone through this whole damn security deposit nonsense with her before and there is really no need to repeat myself on the matter.

• Secondly, this whole issue is completely redundant as I have already written her a check which she immediately shredded upon reciept.

Of course, that tiny tidbit of information miraculously never made it into the phone conversation she had with her mother. It was at that point when I could no longer sit idly by as such misinformation about me was strewn around. I got up, knocked on the door, and pushed it open when Danica ignored me and continued talking with her mother.

I very loudly (hoping that her mother might hear) insisted that she tell her mother about my check which she had shredded. Danica responded by nodding at me and saying, and again I quote, Okay, okay, I’ll tell her.

Bzzz! Wrong again! Not only did she not tell her mother about this insignificant detail (remember, her mother apparently doesn’t need to know about this, despite her obvious insistent inquiries), when she got off the phone and saw me staring incredulously back at her, she said it’s okay because I convinced her to let it slide.

Boom: I Rage

Excuse me?! It’s okay because you convinced her to let it slide? <sarcasm>That’s not only taking credit for being such a generous and compassionate ex-girlfriend,</sarcasm> it’s actually nullifying my wholeheartedly and unduly generous attempts to make things as hassle-free for you as possible. Well, excuse my French but fuck you too!

And that’s exactly what I told her, multiple times, in a variety of different ways, using various colloquial euphemisms, though none of them gender-specific, as far as I can recall. I screamed at her as loudly as I could, citing almost all the aforementioned reasons why I was pissed off. I told her I thought she is in need of some desperate help, that she is confused about many things and doesn’t understand that she lacks even a shred of integrity, and that she will continue to spew nothing but crap from her mouth until she wisens up and changes her ways.

I stomped right up to her and screamed these things inches away from her face. She backpeddled a little, obviously taken aback that I could be so loud and rageful. Indeed, I have never before unleashed this sort of anger on her and had never raised my voice to such an intense ferocity for as long as she has known me.

I felt the burning flames behind my eyes as I screamed and towered over her. My pupils turned to coal and my throat felt sore (I’m still recovering from that cold) but I still screamed at her. It didn’t last so long, about five minutes or so, but I was talking very fast and can’t even remember all of what I said.

When I was through, I sat myself back at my computer. Danica went back into the bedroom and picked up her phone. I warned her that if she were calling Randy she had better do it from outside, but she told me she was not calling Randy.

Instead, I can only assume she called one of her cousins. I could hear most of the conversation and I was not happy about that, but I refrained from doing anything I might have regretted later such as forcing her out of the apartment or grabbing the phone away from her. Oh, how I wanted to, though, how I greatly wanted to.

The Cleansing Flames

I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. This always helps steady me when I am in a rage because it reminds me of who I think I am and how I think I should behave. It is hard to actually do rageful things when you are busy looking at yourself in the mirror.

The anger, and especially the bout of screaming rage I discharged at Danica, felt very cleansing. It was as if the rage had sparked a fire that was burning away at the past year and a half the way a forest fire might level acres of land. Like most things in nature, however, this fire was constructive rather than destructive; it freed up all that space for something new and green to be reborn in its place.

After Danica talked with her cousin, she called a friend from California. As they talked, I continued to look at myself in the mirror and lean against the bathroom sink. Everytime Danica mentioned Randy, or how controlling she felt I supposedly was by the end of our relationship, I felt that fire burn away a little more inside me.

Finally, she finished talking with her friend and turned off her cell phone. I heard only silence coming from the bedroom but remained in the bathroom for some minutes more. When I felt calm enough to walk out into the hallway, I noted that she had fallen asleep with the light still on.

I entered the bedroom and turned off the light. I then left, closing the door the rest of the way behind me and went back to my computer. Of course, that’s when I started writing this blog entry.

Danica’s in bed, sleeping now. Despite having been awake a mere thirteen or fourteen hours, I am actually quite tired. Of course, despite being tired, I don’t want to go to bed and have to lay next to her.

One thing’s for sure: I am happy she is leaving. During my rage, I told her that every day you stay here I’ll miss you less. I now want to add: every day you’re gone I’ll think about you less. And that’s how it should be.