Am I asking too much? Why can’t I just go to parties and have a good time?

Helen Fisher is an anthropologist with Rutgers University, specializing in gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. Her most recent book is “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.” In this wide-ranging talk, she outlines the bio-chemical foundations of love (and lust), and discusses the natural talents of women, and their new significance in the modern world. (Recorded February 2006 in Monterey, CA. Duration: 24:13)

However, listen carefully, and you’ll hear her also make a case for polyamory, something I’ve written about before. Helen says:

However…these three brain systems, lust, romantic love, and attachment…aren’t always connected to each other. You can feel deep attachment to a long term partner, while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else, while you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners. In short, we’re capable of loving more than one person at a time.

It’s a good talk, and definitely worth a listen.

Yet this evening I spent a wonderful, if short, dinner with a few friends. I had the chicken soup, as I’m still nursing myself back from the clutches of an evil cough and cold.

It’s hard to remember how much of a resource they can be at times. It’s even harder to remember that the friends I (apparently) have that I didn’t really know I have are a resource too. That is to say that it’s hard for me to remember that my definition of friend is really other people’s definition of best friend or close confidant, and that this discrepency means I have more friends than I think I do.

Which is nice. Especially when these people offer great conversation and the ability for personal insight. (Aforementioned insight involves relationship queries that, for the time being, I do not feel like writing about.) I’m looking forward to our next pot luck party.

My father is understandably concerned. I am keeping a close eye on myself as well, and I’m doing my best not to let things swing too far in either direction. I’m also trying to do my best to maintain that balance between work, socializing, and personal time that I was so adamant about earlier.

Being Social

The past couple of days have swung heavily in the social direction. I suspect this has more to do with the fact that, all of a sudden, most of my friends and acquaintances are actually of college age and, not surprisingly, are graduating college this year. (Just my luck, right?) They all feel it too; everyone seems to be in this bittersweet melancholy mood, bracing for change.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Sara lately, which, of course, meant profuse amounts of introspection and self-reflection and conversation about introspection and self-reflection. Sin City on Thursday night was a lot of fun, but more fun than the movie was the hand-holding and the various other forms of cuddling.

End of the Year College Party

Friday afternoon and early evening sported more conversation between Sara and I over breakfast (which, for me, was a cobb salad that is probably still in her suite’s refridgerator). Later that night, starting from about ten o’clock, her suite hosted an end-of-the-year party. Several things struck me about that party.

• I knew way more people than I would have thought. Not just knew of them but was, sort of, actually friends with many of them. A surprisingly high number, actually. Of all the things going on for me right now, realizing that I’m actually social will be the hardest to get used to. Here’s a list of folks off the top of my head:
  • Jeff was there, and—get this—I actually first met him back when Juliana had invited me to be a naked extra in The Naked Show several years ago. We really connected when I started talking about my old office/tech support job, since that’s what he’s currently escaping.
  • Sara, Sarah, Sarah, and Sarah were all there. Yeah, that many Sarahs. One Sarah I had first met (extremely briefly) the night of Hamlet last week. Another was the one Sara and I took to see Sin City the day before. The other Sarah was one whom I had wanted to get to talk to for some time because she’s a new kind of techie I do not yet know well—I biomedical engineer, I think. Anyway, conversations with all four were nice.
  • Tall German guy who apparently knew more about me than I did about him. The party last night got that sorted out (we talked and whatnot) so now I can actually say that I know a little about Oliver.
  • Emily, another person who knew more about me than I did her. We joked about Judaism, parents (nothing too bad, Aba ve Ima), and alcohol. (Mental image: hyper Jewish girls. ‘Nuff said.)
  • I also got approached by another fine young man whom I vaguely knew but had not really spoken to before. We conversed about CV, its future, and my suggestions for the organization.
  • Melinda attended, and so did Al, whom I know because Melinda got me to attend the Columbia Philosophy Forum discussions. It was when Al walked in that I felt that familiar “It’s a small world” feeling.
• Parties are fun. Let me repeat that, and this time remember who’s blog you’re reading: parties are fun. Of course, I had a great time because I was with friends, but the point remains; I think I can finally relate to all those “normal” kids who really enjoyed partying. Sure, it wasn’t exactly my kind of party, but it was still fun.
• I’m an incredible lightweight and for many reasons (not least of which is safety) I don’t drink alcohol. Nevertheless, I downed a small bottle and a half of Woodchuck (which is evidently not a bird) and still actually had a good time. For the record, yes, thoughts such as “I’m buzzed; that means I need to be extra careful now” were front-and-center in my head.

Back to Work—Sort’a

Today I met with Jon about one of the side projects we’re working on together. I have a bunch of templates to design and build now, which is good because it gives the work aspect of my life something fun to latch on to and be excited about. I also exchanged emails with Dana about the NYCwireless web site, though I’m not as clear about what needs to happen on that project.

Also, yesterday I met with Cal (the man who emailed me after seeing me on 43 Things) and he spoke a lot about business, as well as several other things. He seems to be a really remarkable person and I readily admit that I’m pleasantly surprised by that. I’ll be looking into a suggestion of his, namely to get myself a “Doing Business As” form for Maymay Media.

Tonight, I’m headed down to a bar (a bar!) to meet with a friend (one of the Sarahs). Before that, however, I’m going to hop into the shower because after Squash today (my uncle and I played 7 games; I won 3 of them!) I desperately need it.

I’ll probably add stuff every so often as I find it and deem it helpful. Be aware that some of these resources are decidely local to New York City, since that’s where I am. If you live elsewhere, however, there are certain to be polyamory groups near you. (I know of quite a few around America and even in Europe, so feel free to ask me for the links if you’re interested.)

Sorted in order of (my) perceived quality and introductory importance so that a newcomer can simply run down the list, the polyamory resources are:

Online Poly Resources and Sites on the Web

Polyamory? What, like, two girlfriends?

The must-read intro about what is (and is not) polyamory. This is the single most immediately beneficial document I have ever read on the subject.

Additionally, xeromag.com has a whole bunch of other extremely well-written and informative guides to polyamory. They are each very helpful. I guarantee you these documents will help create an important foundation for talking about and dealing with polyamory and the concept of “open” (or perhaps “not-quite-normal”) relationship(s).

Some of the other articles at xeromag are:

• Never Do This: Poly Mistakes: How to screw up a poly relationship even if you are compassionate and well-intentioned.

  This is the other must-read guide, written in negative form. It’s also got some great refridgerator-worthy items. It informs you (the easy way) about some of the pitfalls you might fall into when trying to build stable, happily non-monogamous relationships. (Reading this over recently made me sad…for obvious reasons.)

• Dos and Don’ts for Poly Relationships: A guide for poly relationships outlining the fundamental dos and don’ts that every poly relationship needs.

  When I get a printer, I intend to put some of these on my refridgerator because they’re useful for every-day relationships as well.

• Poly Myths: Debunking the myths about polyamory.

  This is a good place to point people when they start talking about why polyamory can’t ever work, and how the whole thing is just thinly-veiled promiscuity or sexual greediness. Believe me, you talk about this stuff enough and someone’s going to tell you these things. Of course, whether or not they read (and hear) it is up to them.

• Poly Relationships for Monogamous People: What it might mean if your partner just told you that they’re polyamorous.

  Obviously, this is a good article to point your spouse or partner to if you’re coming out as polyamorous. It’s written in that same question-and-answer format as all the other articles and has some very good advice for what could come next.

• What Your Partner Wants You to Know: …but might not be able to articulate.

  This article is not a substitute for your own words, but it does do a good job of helping you formulate your thoughts and provides a good vocabulary from which to draw.

alt.polyamory home page

The original polyamory resource, which grew out of the old alt.polyamory usenet newsgroup. The most immediately beneficial portion of this site is right at the top of the home page where the FAQs are listed. These are long-standing documents which are frequently pointed to. They’re also very beneficial for newcomers and serve as helpful reminders for folks in polyamorous relationships. These are important to know.

Loving More FAQ And Terms

Polyamory has many names, because many people have moved towards the idea on their own and in their own way. There is no “one true way” to love. This is a online magazine published by one such group of people who term the concept “Loving More” (or LM). Their FAQs are helpful, too.

Polyamorous-NYC

There is only one best way to learn about anything, and that is by doing. When you’re ready to interact with others who are polyamorous, this is a great place to go to meet people and learn more. Note that it is not a sex club, but rather an educational organization intended to nurture a prosperous polyamorous community in New York City.

How to Educate Your Therapist About Polyamory

Published at the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality in Volume 5 on April 16, 2002, this document is an outline of a talk given to the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and includes some important notes for physchologists and therapists as well as their clients.

Tristate Poly

This is an online organization similar to Poly-NYC (above), though there is no “membership” per-se. I’ve found that this means that not everyone here will be truly polyamorous; I’ve met swingers there as well, and swinging has very little to do with polyamoroury. (Swingers can be polyamorous, and polyamorous people can be swingers, but there is a huge distinction between these two concepts and one should take care not to mix the two.) Nevertheless, it is good to know that this community exists and is somewhat active as well.

PolyMatchMaker

This is an online personals site devoted to helping polyamorous folk meet one another. Note that it is not a sex or porn site (very much unlike the FriendFinder network of adult personals sites); that means no profanity or sexually explicit material is allowed on PolyMatchMaker. This site is about meeting people, not finding random sexual encounters. Swingers should go elsewhere.

Spice!

Spice! is an online comic strip that portrays the life of a polyamorous family with children. It’s the only comic I’ve ever found of its kind, and it’s not that bad either. The artwork is cute, and the jokes are decidely poly-centric. (Like this one, and this one, and this one for instance.)

LiveJournal Polyamory Community

This is a community of online diarists who write about their experiences and thoughts with and on polyamory. People post new entries frequently, and many members comment on others’ entries offering support, advice, and feedback.

Subspace

Subspace is a web site for and by people who practice both BDSM and polyamory. They have a collection of articles, links to other articles, a decently active message board, and even a poetry archive.

Books and Other Printed Literature

These are polyamorous resources published in books or other printed literature. Some cost money, some do not, but they are all helpful. (Some book listings borrowed from Franklin Veaux’s poly links page)

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

The definitive guide to infinite sexual possibilities and polyamorous relationships. Includes an abundance of background information, supportive validation, and practical advice on how to deal with the realities of a poly relationship (yes, including jealousy).

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah M, Dr. Anapol

An excellent resource for polyamorous people. Focuses more on polyfidelity than on other kinds of polyamory, but another all-around recommended read.

The Myth of Monogamy by David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton

Written by a husband and wife team of behavioral scientists, this book explores non-monogamy from a behavioral, genetic, and moral standpoint. The book is not hostile to monogamy, but it makes the statement that in humans, a relationship model is a matter of both biology and choice. It argues that monogamy is not more inherently “natural” than non-monogamy.

Movies and Video Material

When Two Won’t Do (directed by David Finch, circa 2002)

This real-life documentary made by a couple (and inspired by grappling with issues in their own relationship) takes you on a trip across America with them as they discover first-hand how people have “open” relationships.

If you know of a resource I’ve not listed here which helped you a great deal (especially when you were first learning about polyamory) then please drop me a line. (You can either comment on this entry or email me as meitar at a domain called maymay dot net.) Naturally, I also hope that this page might some day help others find what they need.

(Here is the first article in the series.)

• The first thing she gave me was a container of eggplant salad from a favorite restaurant of our’s in the area where we used to live. I had been talking about how I missed their eggplant salad after I purchased a container of the stuff from the local supermarket. I had remarked on how much better the dish from downtown was.

• The second gift she gave me, which I’m still not sure I’m keeping, is the DVD to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a movie we had seen together some time ago with my brother one night. When we left the theatre that night I was the only one of the three of us who liked the movie. They both felt that its ending was weak. I remarked that I thought the ending fit the rest of the movie rather elegantly.

  She bought it because, originally, she had wanted to take me to see it again at the Pioneer Theatre after she finished work today. She had said that it seemed fitting for our situation and that she thought she might appreciate it more this time around.

  Unfortunately, the movie was starting at the theatre a half hour before she finished work, so it was not possible to go see it there tonight. Instead, she called me on her lunch break and told me she’d get the DVD so we could watch it at home tonight.

In the end we didn’t end up watching the movie. Instead, we just talked in the kitchen for a bit. While there, she asked if we could cuddle for a while before starting the movie. (That’s when I knew there would be no movie.) I accepted and we went to lay down in bed, where the conversation continued.

I’m writing this as she’s sleeping in the middle of the bed. I suppose I’ll have to move her slightly if I want to sleep there tonight. In the morning when she returned from Randy’s today she told me she had only gotten about three hours of sleep, and had been thinking of me all through the night. Since she had to work today, I’m not surprised that she’s so tired. I hope she sleeps well.

During our conversation, we each shared some of the insights we had had recently regarding our relationship and ourselves during the time we spent together. What follows is an attempt to capture as many of these insights as I can at this late hour. Note that my eyes are heavy and my fingers slow, and I may not be completely accurate in my recollection as a result of this. (No worries, I’ll edit—and timestamp the edits—later.)

• During the course of our relationship, one of the things I kept telling her about her other relationships was that I would feel far more at ease if one of these other relationships was a deeply committed one. That is, rather than finding other guys to have “non-relationships” I would have preferred that she find someone she loved and had a long-lasting (concurrent) relationship with that person.

  She was always puzzled by this, and despite my many attempts to explain in many different ways, I always fell short of a specific answer. This frustrated me to no end, as I was clearly unable to reach her by reason of not having a definitive awareness of exactly why I felt this way. To her, a relationship that invovled “just sex and nothing more” should have been extremely easy for me to accept because it was “meaningless [and] not important” to her.

  Today I finally realized—and finally communicated to her articulately—that the reason I was so much more troubled by all her so-called flings was because, to me, these actions were proof-positive that she was incapable of committing to a partner (any partner(s)) at this time.

  In other words, if she had found another partner to lovingly commit to, I would have gleaned the hope I wanted for our own relationship. I would have seen that, yes, it was possible for her to be committed and to be considerate and respectful to a partner. Even if that partner wasn’t me at that time, it would have shown that it was at least possible and thus I would have believed that it was possible between the two of us. We would just have to keep working at it until we got it right.

  Similarly, all her frivolous and impulsive decision making was providing proof of the very opposite of this and further reinforcing my fears that she would not be able to maintain a long-term relationship with me. Every time she told me that some new or ongoing relationship was insignificant, it told me only one thing: that our relationship was beyond her capacity right now. (On a somewhat more philosophical level, I think this insight is one of the best explanations I have of why the whole monogamy versus polyamory debate is off the mark.)

  I’m a little saddened that it’s taken these horrificly painful events to finally enable me to articulate this one thought clearly. I liked to think of myself as more perceptive than that. Nevertheless, thanks to these experiences, it is a lesson learned that I will not ever forget.

• Danica has been writing a lot lately, just like I have been. She writes songs though, songs and poems. For the past two days, but especially earlier tonight, she shared many of the songs and snippets of lyrics she’s been jotting down.

  One of the things that struck me (and now that I think about it, something that probably struck her too guessing by the time when she paused and said “Wow…yeah…” at one of her angrier songs) was how extreme and varied the emotional weight and message of each song was. In a few cases, the same day’s lyrics had both angry and longing tones, both of which were directed at the same event or person.

  The “Wow…yeah…” song was actually the oldest one she shared. She wrote it on January 1^st, 2005. The start of the new year was rough on us both; we fought quite a bit over the course of the holiday season. She told me before she read it that it was directed at me. Unfortunately, I can’t recall a specific lyric right now (and I actually don’t want to write them here because I never asked her permission to republish her work).

  Afterwards, she set it down on the table in front of us and looked at me. Her expression said “I’m sorry,” but her lips curled in on themselves into an inward frown. Then she said, “Yeah, communication would have been…” and trailed off. I finished her thought for her: “…helpful.” She nodded slowly.

• I have long known that I am not especially fond of anyone who does not actively go after what they want or what they know to be good for them, including myself. I have never encountered a single good thing that has ever come out of passively watching things go by and not once engaging myself actively. This is not just related to relationships, but is a globally relevant observation on life in general: you can’t sit out of your life. It’s your game. You must play in it.

  The reason I was so upset with myself when Danica and I had sex the other night was because I did exactly what I try so hard to avoid all the time: passively letting things happen to me instead of actively embracing or rejecting them. Again, the point isn’t to accept or reject things, the point is to make choices. When I gave in to her sexual advances that night, when I let my body get the better of my mind, I was taking myself to the sidelines and letting the pieces fall where they may.

  When I do that, the pieces never fall exactly where I want, and I always have to pick at least a few of them up. In every case where I’ve done that, I could have arranged said pieces better if I didn’t let them fall on their own in the first place. And I knew that as I was letting myself go.

  I felt like I had just let myself float in the wind like a stray leaf, not unlike the very description I used for Danica’s lack of awareness only a few days prior. To have committed this act I myself is embarassing, to say the least. I hold myself to very high standards, much higher than I hold most other people. I have to do that because if I don’t I’ll be just like every other average person out there, and I can’t let myself believe that I’m average.

  When I told this to Danica she started crying a little. I can understand why, too: she was sure, at the time, that what she was doing was helpful. And if I were her, I might have thought the same thing.

All in all, today was great. I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked, but that means I have a strong motivation to do them tomorrow. The point is, things are getting better. They’re even getting better at an incredibly fast pace.

As I lay on the bed with Danica holding me tightly, telling me how we will be great together in the future, I felt two distinctly conflicting emotions. I was sad and I was happy. But I was okay.

As a result of all this, I’ve been tired constantly and was starting to feel like I’ve been walking through some kind of nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Ironically, all I really wanted much of the time is to be able to sleep. Sleep has been more akin to temporary death than a period of rejuvination lately. Luckily, things have been improving quickly.

I spent much of the afternoon yesterday at my mother’s house. She’s been emailing me extremely frequently, asking how I’m doing and what the state of things are. (She’s been reading my blog because I set her up with an auto-opening newsreader and subscribed her to my site’s feed.) I’m not sure she’s figured out how to post comments on these entries yet.

I also had to go over to my mother’s to pick up a suitcase full of clothes belonging to myself and to Danica. Danica had washed these over a week ago and had said she’d pick them up the next day. So now that I was running out of socks, and my mother’s hired housecleaner was coming over the next day, I found myself needing to go get that suitcase.

While I was there, my mother cooked a salmon dish for me (one of our favorite’s that I had actually taught her some years back) and I ate a few bites before feeling full. This clearly distressed her because she made several comments about how I have to take better care of myself and how my stomach was obviously shrinking. I spent about two hours there doing nothing but semi-argue with her about my current state of affairs, both emotional an financial.

My mother has this very troubling tendency to want to help me very much and end up not being helpful at all. In fact, some of the things she said were pretty hurtful. The conversation (more like the rant) was heavily laden with age-old comments and stories and reasoning that I found completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

One of the most hurtful things she said, despite the fact that she tried to say it very gently, was regarding polyamory. She started by asking me if I saw a pattern in the way most (the past two) of my relationships had ended. (For the record, I’ve only ever had three serious relationships in my life, so 2 out of 3 is thus considered “most” for her.) I knew exactly where this was going, so I pointed out, again, that neither of these breakups happened because of a lifestyle choice and that thinking that they had was totally missing the point.

Unconvinced, she asked me why, then, does this seem to be the recurring theme. That was easy: because it’s the single most exploitable excuse with which to end a relationship and the easiest way to push loved ones away. Non-committed partners will seek other, new partners. Being monogamous won’t stop that.

Neither of my now-ex-girlfriends were fully committed to me. Both of them told me that they simply have more living to do before they are ready to do that. That’s why we broke up. The fact that I was committed to Danica, more so than most husbands are to their wives, makes very little practical difference in the matter when that committment isn’t reciprocated. And committment is one of the single-most important relationship characteristics, be it polyamorous or not.

Thankfully, it was clearly evident that she was only trying to help me so it was much easier than it might have otherwise been to simply agree with her (emphatically) about the things she said which I agreed with and simply ignore (for the most part) the things I didn’t agree with. I actually left on a very positive note. I told her what an excellent mother she’s been (and it’s true, she’s amazing), how much I appreciated all the support, and that I was very thankful that she was trying to help. And all this while I was still exhausted; more reasons to be proud of myself.

When I got home, I spent a few hours online hanging about #polyamory. I wanted to give my brother a call, but wanted to wait until after nine o’clock so as not to incur the ridiculous cell phone charges normally associated with the calls. When I called him, I had forgotten most of the details I wanted to discuss, but we had a great conversation despite that.

I almost cried at some points, relaying some of the information about what was going on. We spoke a lot about our parents, too. We all miss Shir; he’s awesome. I asked him whether or not he had a valentine and he seemed confused. So I told him not to make a big deal out of it, just to go ask a friend (that is of the female persuasion, in his case) to be his valentine. I told him it would make her day, and it’d make him feel good.

Of course, I was thinking about Danica. However, the last thing I want to do right now is send mixed signals to her so I’m going to refrain from those sorts of actions for the time beind despite my burning desire to do something like that for her.

After we spoke, I started getting ready for bed. It was about 10:30 PM, and I knew that Danica had just ended work. I was expecting her to be home sometime at around 11:00 or 11:15 that night.

I got ready for bed, and then started doing dishes. She wasn’t home by eleven o’clock, so I kept doing dishes while telling myself I’d go to bed after “this next dish was clean.” I kept doing dish after dish until I had cleaned them all. By this time it was 11:30, and she still wasn’t home. I figured she had probably gone to stay at Randy’s again, even though she told me when she left today that she couldn’t stay there anymore.

That was okay. I don’t know why I was waiting up for her. I was dead tired, barely able to stand straight. I kept thinking that I needn’t worry about this anymore, that I had formally absolved myself of this responsibility the other day. It shouldn’t matter where she was anymore, not to me anyway.

But this was emotional. I still expected that she would be home and was dissappointed when, by 11:45, she wasn’t. I took the flowers she had given me the other day and cut the rubber bands from the stems, cleaned their vase, and re-set them nicely on the window sill.

Finally, I climbed into bed at exactly midnight. I thought I heard something at the door once, so I got up to see if it was Danica arriving late. It wasn’t, though, so I went back to bed. I didn’t wake up once through the night. And, as I stated at the beginning of this entry, I managed to stay asleep until 7:30 this morning.

I spent most of today online, talking. In the morning (around 8:30 AM), Danica arrived home but she didn’t stay long as she had to work at 11:00 AM today. We talked a bit and were finally able to keep things mostly light-hearted. It was a welcome reprieve from the emotional battering we had both been taking over the past several days.

I made a doctor’s appointment which I had been meaning to do for a while, I started organizing a bit of my workspace again, and my father emailed me some ideas for my new web site. That was exciting to see.

I’m still really tired, but I actually felt somewhat rested today. That’s a first in about a week. Now, I’m headed to the shower, then to run some quick errands, and then…then we’ll see. We’ll see….

After the early morning’s events, I had fallen asleep on the bed in my clothes. My father woke me up little bit later. He had arrived to the house and was by my bed. We had scheduled this morning as a time to put up shelves and do some much-needed house construction. We completed just about all of that by around four o’clock in the afternoon.

Danica was not home. She had left, after briefly speaking to my father. I think the poor girl is very unstable. I empathize, but I am through being a security blanket for her. It is too far beyond the point at which I need to take care of myself already.

Arguably, I should have broken up with her long ago, at either the first or second time something major like this has happened. But love is a funny thing. As someone told me on IRC the other night, it’s hard not to worry about someone if they keep telling you “I need you,” and “I don’t know what I’d do without you” all the time.

One thing my father told me was, no matter what happens with Danica in the future, that if we get back together, there must be a monogamous commitment to each other; no more open relationships. While I can understand why he said this, and while I’m certain that no matter what I say certain people will believe that the presence of a non-monogamous factor in our relationship is what led to our breakup, I believe that this understanding is greatly missing the point.

Unfortunately, I haven’t sufficient experience to back up my claim that I do not have a problem with my partner having other partners. This is because in each case where my girlfriends sought other partners, they did so in a frivolous manner without taking into account my feelings. As a result, in each case where my girlfriends sought other partners, I have been hurt by their lack of integrity, comittment, and decency.

“Commitment?” you might be asking. “How could there be commitment to you when she was actively seeking out another mate?” The short answer is that there is no reason to believe that seeking out another mate has any negative implications for an existing relationship. The long answer is too long to go into here.

Note: Here’s a helpful way of looking at it that I shared with my father during our discussion. Having a relationship “on the side” is never acceptable because it is entirely exclusive of all other relationships. All relationships, primary or not, must be involved with each other. That doesn’t mean I expected to have sex with Danica’s other partners, but it does mean that I expected to be introduced to them, to talk with them, and to actively accept them into my relationship with her before she began the affair.

Furthermore, any other partner she may have had must have been informed about me and my role from the very beginning and must fully accept that. If they do not accept me and my role then they are effectively rejecting her as well. Or at least, that’s what should happen in a healthy polyamorous relationship. Which, of course, this was not.

However, while I wish the short answer could be applied here (and to my previous girlfriends’ actions), the simple truth is that in every one of my experiences, my girlfriends were seeking out other partners because they were not happy in our relationship. That, as it is said, is a no-no.

I don’t really know why Danica was not happy in this relationship. I have tried talking about that with her many, many times. I’ve been unable to procure anything but an unstable cycling of defensive justifications and outright confusion. God knows I’ve tried. If she was not happy with me, then I am glad we have broken up for both our sakes.

In hindsight, I am rather disappointed in myself for being so naive and so hopelessly lovestruck. For all my enlightenment and emotional perceptiveness, I was simply unable to act upon the one thing I feared most: Danica is a serial monogamist. Randy is merely a more suitable lover for whatever she thinks she needs right now, and I am not as suitable. She may have been physically with me, but she was already looking for her next boyfriend a long time ago.

I remember a conversation I had with her only a few months into our relationship where I expressed the concern that I feared our break up would be inevitable because she would push me away. More than a year, countless broken words, and increasingly unnerving contradictions later, my premonition was proved correct.

Why could I not do something about it back then and save myself the heartache? Love does that to people, though, so at least I’m in good company.

Finally, let me say this: I am proud of me. I was heartbroken, hurt beyond any prior experience (and like nothing I could possibly imagine), and literally exhausted, yet (with the help of my father) I still managed to get two shelves up in my workspace in the living room.

After the meeting, at around 6:10 PM, I called home to see if she were here or out with Randy. There was no answer, so I figured she was out with Randy. I gritted my teeth and headed for the subway.

When I got home, I noticed that the lights in our apartment were on. Sure enough, she was home. She was preparing to go out to see Randy. Anger ensued, which mostly consisted of my hitting the punching bag she bought for herself while she did her best to ignore it. (I think I seriously sprained my left thumb’s joint. It hurts a lot.) I then went online to try and find an online polyamory support group of one sort or another. I found a lot of old resources but nothing promising.

Finally I turned to her and apologized for my childish behavior earlier (the punching and the being overtly angry). I was still upset, though. She said she understood and I promptly interjected that no, she did not. She relented and continued to prepare for her date. Despite what she might say, I sincerely (and seriously) doubt she would have an easy time of it if the roles were reversed.

Thankfully, by now, I had found #polyamory on Undernet. Just a plain old IRC channel, but filled with folks who (though sometimes asleep at the keyboard) live and talk about polyamory. I had just begun speaking with a very kind lady about my situation when Danica was ready to go out.

I told her that I had found an IRC polyamory support channel (though I realize now that’s not exactly what it is) and she said, “That’s great.” Sort of made me feel like she thinks I’m seeking “help” for something. Whatever. I told her, “Please come home at a reasonable time,” and she responded “I’ll try.” Which is both absurd and inconsiderate, but whatever. I said again, “Please come home at a reasonable time.”

When she had gone, I went back to IRC and spoke with the supportive woman in #polyamory until nearly 12 midnight. Danica had not called once. Nevertheless, I was feeling a lot better about everything. I started preparing myself some dinner.

At just about 1 o’clock in the marning, the phone rang. I picked it up and said hello. It was Danica; she said hello. There was silence. I asked her what was up and how she was. She said fine and tired. I asked when she was coming home. She said she wanted to stay over. She said she fell asleep on the sofabed again. She made some lame excuse about how it’s cold outside and she was too tired.

I chuckled. Was the girl serious? So I asked again, “When are you coming home?” She said, “Well, I’ll leave at about 6 in the morning and—” I cut her off and asked when she’d be coming home tonight. When she didn’t answer, I asked her if she really thought it was okay with me that she stays over there tonight.

When she still didn’t answer, I said, “No, of course it’s not.” Still, all I got was silence from her. So I asked quite plainly, “Are you going to stay there tonight?” Finally, a response: “Yeah.” I almost had to laugh. “Fine,” I said. “Goodnight.” And with that, I hung up the phone.

Such childish and utterly disrespectful behavior is the best way to ensure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I won’t take her word for very much in the future. Is that what she wants? Like it or not, that’s what she’s going to get if she doesn’t change her attitude.

That sounds like I’m angry. I am. I’m pretty hurt. I feel like I’m being treated like a doormat. I’m not a doormat. I won’t let myself be treated like one this time. And, interestingly, that resolution makes me feel surprisingly good.

Important points I forgot to mention:

• When she called, she made sure to mention that she had “observed all your rules,” by which she means she didn’t do anything except some cuddling and kissing. This particular phrasing of having “rules needing to be observed” was not mine. Thus the question, “Who are you rebelling against, Danica?”
• Yesterday, Danica assured me she would not be out tonight. She would go out in the afternoon and be home before late. Before she left, when I brought this up, I was told that she had “changed her mind.” This resulted in my saying, “Oh, I see. And when will you actually do what you first say you will?” angrily. Thanks to tonight, I can safely rest my case.

Hmm. Nearly 2:20 in the morning. Danica’s on a date…. She called me over two hours ago. Wanted to “stay over” at the guy’s house. Um…duh. No. It’s late. Come home. So I tried calling back a half hour ago but, as usual, no response. Ninety percent of the time she just doesn’t realize her phone is ringing.

Ninety percent are good chances. Right?

2:42 AM

Danica just called. She said she fell asleep on the sofabed. Hmm…. I told her to come home; take a taxi, I’d pay. She said okay. I asked her to call me back when she’s in the taxi.

3:21 AM

No call since over a half hour ago. Is she not in the taxi yet? Grr.

3:33 AM

Had to call, it’s been almost an hour. Thankfully, I got an answer. First words I heard were, “Yeah, yeah, we’re getting a cab now.” Uh-huh….

Though there was no so-called official timeline for tonight, the established consensus (yes, I asked before she left) was that she’d meet him at 7:30 downtown, would sit and chat with him for about an hour to let him in on the fact that I exist, and would take it from there. If things went well, it was movieokie and a good-night hug. If they didn’t go well, it would be no movieokie but other events were undefined.

Obviously, that is not what happened. Movieokie, by the way, would have ended at 11. Perhaps I should have asked for definitions for the not-going-well bit other than just naively assumed it most likely meant a phone call to me and coming home?

3:42 AM

She’s in-taxi. Called for our address. Chuckled. We’ve been living here for more than a month….

4:03 AM

She’s almost downstairs. She called to tell me where she was and that I should probably bring some money to pay the cabbie.

4:22 AM

She’s blowing her nose in the kitchen. She told me a few details about the night. Kinda faught a bit. I’m obviously pissed that she’s home at this hour. Pissed even more that without active intervention on my part I would have awoken to an empty house tomorrow, I’m almost sure of it. (I have a history about being correct when predicting Danica’s behavior.)

She did some kissing and some cuddling. The guy didn’t know how to react to the news of my existence. She says they just stared at eachother for an hour and a half “Umm”-ing.

Whatever. I’m not happy. Make the bad feelings go away.

5:16 AM

She’s showering now, and my eyes are getting heavy. Feel better now, though. Not great, but okay. I could never really formulate what, exactly, I felt so bad about. I wasn’t sure if I was angry, frustrated, hurt, or what. Still don’t know. Don’t really care.

She said she’d see him tomorrow because over the weekend, he has a ski trip. I don’t know how likely that is, but I didn’t like the sound of it either way. I have a meeting tomorrow with someone regarding some pro-bono PHP work I’m doing. I need sleep for that. Guess I was a little upset that this night was the night that this happened too.

Wasn’t really mad, I don’t think. It’s a pretty expected reaction. People say it’ll go away with time and good experiences. I hope so.

Supplementary (Meta-Entry) Notes

In the spirit of a wiki-blog, rather than post new entries as the night wears on (or the day encroaches), I’ll just keep adding to this one, along with a timestamp. That’ll be an interesting experiment, too.

Totally Off-Topic Note @ 5:45 AM

Apple Mac OS X 10.3.8 is available. Comes right on the heels of 10 (that’s ten) security updates for various Windows components. Internet must be busy with a load of updates tonight.

Well, there are very few people in my address book without web pages of some kind. Most of them are old diaries or LiveJournals. As a result, there is a long list of long-gone friends who still write in their blogs. I spent the better half of this hour randomly jumping from one contact’s page to another, just to see what they looked like.

My ex-girlfriend hasn’t written on her LiveJournal for at least 6 months. Another girl I knew who used to go to college with her has, but sporadically. A friend of mine who I never talk to anymore (she became a mother) hasn’t written in over a year. Yet another friend, a fellow bipolar whom I used to speak to for hours at a time over the phone late at night hasn’t either. Most people haven’t. Some folks have decided to keep their journals “friends only” which effectively means I can’t see them. Strange since, at one point in time, I was considered a friend.

It’s just a night of old memories. There are only a handful of people in my address book whom I still talk to.

Bedroom Full of Restless Nights

Earlier tonight, Danica and I were cuddling. I kissed her, and she seemed like she was getting into it. Before long, however, she just told me to stop for some reason which she mumbled under her breath and I couldn’t discern. I couldn’t get her to repeat it either, so I left her be. I’m probably getting tired now, but I can’t bring myself to climb into bed with her and fall asleep. Restless, I guess. No, actually, I feel rejected.

I don’t know how long its been since we’ve been truly, closely intimate. The last time we tried was more than a week ago on Monday night. I had planned to go out to Columbia University to see now-ancient acquaintences. She had initiated sex not long before I needed to get ready to go. By the time I should have been out of the house, it was over because things turned sour for some inexplicable reason and she had curtly asked me to leave her alone. I felt so hurt that I got extremely angry, and we fought for a while that night.

She has become increasingly enamored with a male co-worker, a shy and dorky musician who’s a freshman at NYU. I don’t know if it’s even been a week, but it seems as if she can’t stop talking about him. This isn’t new. There have been at least 3 others, over the course of our relationship, whom she has talked to with such fervor and frequency.

I feel more like the gay friend than the bi boyfriend these days. While there are short moments every other day or so of closeness, when I feel like her partner again, much of the time I feel as though I’m back to being a roommate, which is the term she had used to describe me to a guy she met via Friendster. That pissed me off back then, too. Though my moods may be making me biased, right now I’m having trouble remembering the last time I recieved an unsolicited “I love you” from her. I feel like the nights these days do not belong to me and her anymore. They belong to her and her fantasies about her infatuations.

The other day she made clear to me for the first time that she is most interested in having a relationship with another person together with us. That is, not just a relationship involving herself and another guy, but have that relationship involve me as well in a triad of sorts. That was something I was happy to hear about becuase of the implications of involvement and of consideration that dynamic necessitates. I don’t know how realistic a situation like that really is, but I do believe her when she says that’s her ideal and I know it would be a situation I would be infinitely more comfortable with than a situation where she has an external relationship which doesn’t involve me at all.

However, I have this gnawing concern that what she really means to do is meet someone else who she really likes and, regardless of how I feel about it, get involved with that guy. Like I said, I do believe she’d like me to like him too, and for him to like me so that there is mutually shared affection. In a way, I feel like the girl who’s boyfriend says, “Wouldn’t it be great if we met another girl and you two liked each other and the three of us could all be together?” Well, yes, I suppose it would, but my fear is that should she actually find someone she likes and the situation is one where a love connection can be made (they live nearby, there’s no age gap, there’s mutul attraction—these are the things that have been missing from the previous men she’s become infatuated with)…that if a love connection could be made, consideration for me and my feelings will be easily disregarded in favor of whimsical and lusty impulse.

During a moment of anger (or sadness? Frustration?) Danica asked me today what I have to offer her in this relationship. It was the fourth time I can recall such a direct question assessing my worth. My answer: “I do not need to sell myself to you. You will be with me if you want to be, and you will not—rather, you should not—be with me if you don’t want to. That’s not for me to decide. It’s you’re choice. It’s always been your choice. I love you, and I want to be with you.”

I guess in short my fear can be summed up in the following sentences. I am afraid that she will enter into a relationship that is not for the benefit of everyone. At Saints’ Alp Teahouse earlier, Danica finished reading one of the polyamory links I wrote about the other day. She pointed out this passage to me:

Another good way not to make a poly relationship work is to browbeat your partner, or coerce your partner into accepting it. Poly relationships don’t work if one of the people involved only grudgingly accepts it; it has to be for the benefit of everyone.

I am thinking about printing that out and gluing it to the wall.

I am also considering making this entry private, viewable only by me. I want to tell Danica all these things, but I am afraid that she will not hear them as merely concerns, but as some form of “sword of Damacles” and unfair judgements. There is probably a point where too much honesty and directness is not a good thing—and I am notoriously direct.

It’s winter now. It’s getting cold out there. Even though I’ve closed the window and no matter how deeply I bury myself in the covers, right now I’m still cold in here, too.

I guess if you can read this, then the entry is public.

I’m in green, and William (the person I had the conversation with) is in blue.

First of all, I have no problem whatsoever with the concepts of polyamory or swinging (or, for the record, monogamy). What I personally don’t like is having intimate sexual contact with someone whom I am not close to. It is a nice fantasy, but I don’t want that as a reality. I just don’t find that appealing. Others do, and I have no problem with that fact nor do I pass judgement on it either.

For each of the “lifestyles” of monogamy, polyamory, and swinging the opportunity for casual sexual encounters exists. There is no uncommon thread among them in this regard. Likewise, in each one there exists the opportunity for intensely close, deeply emotional connections, as well as emotionally intimate sexual experiences in a variety of relationship contexts. Again, there is no difference between the three lifestyles here.

The distinction between the three is merely one of math. Theoretically, monogomists have one relationship of a particular context at a time, polyamorists have more than one, and swingers come to a choice on the math based on their current relationship.

The point here is that the skills necessary to be a successful monogomist, polyamorist, and swinger are identical. These skills are a suite of emotional intelligences including self-awareness, compassion, generosity, love, patience, conflict-resolution, the ability to delay self-gratification, and communication skills. A good monogamist will be a good polyamorist. A good swinger will be a good monogamist. Again, there is no uncommon thread between monogamy, polyamory, or swinging in this regard.

The implicit reciprocal point made from the above paragraph is that unsuccessful monogamists are unsuccessful polyamorists, and so too any other relation. Unsuccessful monogamists are often called serial monogamists. Serial monogamists lack the skills necessary to maintain a relationship—any relationship—for any great length of time, and they are thus bad candidates for polyamory.

In short, serial monogamists are opaque to their partners; they do not keep their partners informed about their concerns, feelings, or other partners. They do not let their partners be involved in the making of choices which affect their lives. Good polyamorists, and good monogamists or swingers are completely transparent to their lovers, their playmates, their friends, and their crushes. That’s what makes them good at love, however they choose to express it.

I am a good monogamist. Not perfect, but very good. That’s the basis for my confidence in myself when/if (probably “when”) I will attempt a polyamorous relationship. I am not put off by the idea at all. Rather, I welcome it. It’s not something I need; I’d be just fine in whatever relationship I end up with as long as that relationship is a mutually loving and beneficial relationship for me and my partner(s). In order for a relationship to succeed at all—regardless of whether it is a monogamous or polyamorous one (or some other kind)—it must be healthy, it must be transparent.

I hope, though I admit I’m not really sure, that this is a good enough explanation of my feelings on the matter.

(As an aside, the realization that I could be happy in a completely monogamous relationship was one that came to me while I was with Danica. One of the things she said to me on the phone before we even met was, “In a good relationship, you don’t feel limited.” That stuck with me ’til now, and will probably never leave me. I hope it never does, anyway.)

Feeling Dismissed

Last night Danica and I fought again. I almost left to go sleep at my father’s or my mother’s, but Danica begged me not to so I stayed. It started when Danica read this (a page she has not yet finished and which I first asked her to read a couple of days ago):

No. Cheating is breaking the rules. If you aren’t breaking the rules of your relationship, you are not cheating, by definition.

The rules need not be explicit; even breaking the tacit rules of a relationship is cheating. If you do anything you cannot feel comfortable telling your mate about, or if you do anything which you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it, you are cheating, plain and simple.

Polyamory is a completely different way to define your relationship. Polyamory is an acknowledgment of the simple fact that relationships do not come in “one size fits all.” In a poly relationship–

It was the second sentence in the second paragraph that specifically started it. (…or if you do anythin which you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it….) Danica didn’t agree with it, made her opinion known, and when I tried to explain why it was absolutely correct as far as I was concerned she acquired this…dismissive tone of voice that really, really made me angry.

(Actually, I should really get around to writing an article about anti-virus services and programs. That’s another one of those cases where people usually end up paying for things they don’t have to.)

Anyway, I came home, made myself some pasta, and while I was eating it (I have yet to finish a bowl), Danica wanted to go out to get cupcakes. It was 11:10, and the bakery closes at 11:30, so we needed to hop to it. We were out the door a couple minutes later.

At the bakery, a male employee was in front of the door, holding a “Sorry, we’re closed!” sign. A few customers were still picking out pastries inside, though. I looked at him and said, “Just two minutes?” He looked back at me, glanced over at Danica, and said, “All right, go ahead.”

I thanked him, stepped inside, and then he said to me, “You have two minutes,” and when Danica stepped in behind me he told her, smiling, “You have four minutes.”

GRRRRROWL!!!

It’s not as if this is the first time something like this has happened to me. The most blatant example of people’s general pigheadedness in this regard I’ve encountered was by a doorman who wouldn’t open a door for me when I was carrying four (that’s 4, as in two more than as many hands I have) hot, large-sized Starbuck’s coffee cups, several dozen napkins, and some sugar packs. I was struggling with the door for at least 30 seconds when a woman walked by, for whom he opened the door, and I managed to slip into the building.

You know, I may not be much to look at, but that’s no reason to treat me any differently than someone who is. And you know what else? I’ve come to terms with the fact that it will mean I am treated differently, across the board, throughout the rest of my life. That’s just the fucked-up, cruel laws of nature and society that happen to make a lot of sense. Sucks for me, but good for the species, I suppose.

Sigh.

The really bothersome thing about the whole thing, and the reason it even stuck with me long enough for me to write this entry, is that I’m not usually affected by this—at all. Sure, it happens all the time, but I don’t usually get pissed about it. I’m pissed about it because I’m not in a secure place regarding my social and sexual abilities right now. This encounter was one of the things that reminded me about that today. The others were some of the things Danica has said about her male co-workers. (She just got a new job at a Barnes and Noble café.)

Again, I’m not usually upset by any of these things. It’s not as if she’s pulling her co-workers into the warehouse and screwing them, either. But apparently I’m insecure enough in this relationship to have that image pop into my head. That’s not good. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to have.

I want to be able to listen to her talk about the cute guys she works with and not feel my heart sink. I want to listen to her talk about the customers who wink at her when she smiles and not feel jealous of them. I even want her to meet someone she likes and wants to get intimate with and be happy for them. (Yes, really.)

But that’s not going to happen right now. I’ve felt too hurt from Danica in the past on this subject to make it a realistic expectation for me. I spent a good deal of time fighting off feelings of failure and guilt about that, too. Well, it’s not my fault. I have some fears and some irrational concerns. I’ve been working through those. Mostly, however, I’ve not got enough trust in her committment to me or our relationship to feel like it would be “no big deal” to have her having casual sexual relationships with other people.

That sort of thing is nothing to take lightly. There is nothing “casual” about a casual other relationship to your partner. And that makes a whole lot of natural sense, too. Sucks for her, but good for the species, I guess.

And yes, the pages were so validating, helpful, and important to me that I’ve added the new Polyamory category to my blog.

Expect to read more of my thoughts, experiences, and fears on polyamory in the future.