Swinging Runtime Emotions

I’ve been sick for the past few days with a really bad sore throat. I thought I was getting better, but this morning I woke up and started coughing up phlegm like a mother seagull feeding her chicks. (Yes, a lovely image, I know. Try going back to your breakfast now.)

Feeling Dismissed

Last night Danica and I fought again. I almost left to go sleep at my father’s or my mother’s, but Danica begged me not to so I stayed. It started when Danica read this (a page she has not yet finished and which I first asked her to read a couple of days ago):

No. Cheating is breaking the rules. If you aren’t breaking the rules of your relationship, you are not cheating, by definition.

The rules need not be explicit; even breaking the tacit rules of a relationship is cheating. If you do anything you cannot feel comfortable telling your mate about, or if you do anything which you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it, you are cheating, plain and simple.

Polyamory is a completely different way to define your relationship. Polyamory is an acknowledgment of the simple fact that relationships do not come in “one size fits all.” In a poly relationship–

It was the second sentence in the second paragraph that specifically started it. (…or if you do anythin which you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it….) Danica didn’t agree with it, made her opinion known, and when I tried to explain why it was absolutely correct as far as I was concerned she acquired this…dismissive tone of voice that really, really made me angry.

4 replies on “Swinging Runtime Emotions”

  1. Pardon my “peeking”…
    1. Polyamory is breaking the “uniamory (?)” rules… is it not? – Little wonder that others (not yourself) may view the rules of polyamory as a set to break. In other words (Pardon, again, my “stammered” thoughts…) In the realm of “rule breaking” (in the name of personal uniquness and the need to have freedom of (sexual) expression), all SEEMS legit and just, as long as you follow your heart… I wonder, though, how much of it is true and constant conviction and how much of it is, albeit blissful, abandon and incosideration. I tend to believe that in this realm, if you are emotionally imature (You must be the judge of that) – it is the latter. Letting go should not spell hurt and imposition, especially in a relationship boasting love. Assuming responsibility to care about someone else, means making part of you AVAILABLE, ready and able to GIVE, rather than take, to give certain “freedoms” up, to invest in someone’s else’s agenda. However, having to have to demand it from your partner, after you made it clear, is a sign of incompatabilty. Simple as that. You clearly believe that you are “more right” than her, you research, you observe, you put in the effort to understand, while she doesn’t (In your opinion)…

  2. Whether or not this is the case, is one thing. The fact that you think so is what matters. In an “ideal world”, you would have been automatically and naturally able to consider HER point of view, and obviously, from there, you would have not been triggered to hurt and anger so readily. But your point of view is, and always will be, the ONLY one you should and could consider. You said yourself, concerning side effects of medications, not to settle for discomfort and negative consequences. Same here. Desparate times call for desparate measures, as Jaffar says, and you need to be a Sultan, if you catch my drift.

    2. Clearly, you are not comfortable with how She views or acts in regard to this issue. Had she expressed to you her discomfort about your freedoms? Do you feel that she would not “allow” you what she allows herself? Would you consider her “ruling” in the matter as authoritative? because, you see, if one of you claims to have a better “handle” of any aspect of your relationship than the other, then there’s no equality there.
    Bottom line, the existence of hurt and anger, indicates that there’s work to be done, immediately. Putting this off will wear off your ability to fix things. At least know that there’s a price for everything you choose (both and separate) – consider what you want, and if you can afford it.
    Other than that, all this is a refining experience. Feel challenged rather than defeated, so that you will, as you said it yourself, emerge “on the other side” stronger and better.

  3. Damn… I read my comment and I feel compelled to be straight forward. My feelings about what you wrote lead me to think this: “swinging, polyamory and all these wonderfully experimental way of being, are inherently hurtful and problematic if “you can’t handle the truth”… Your entry sounds like a complaint about a self “inflicted” choice. To me it seems that you are on a colission course of sorts, and you need to brace for the impending impact. Do you see that too?
    Another thing to consider is the fact that you are both bipolars, and boy, this is as difficult as it gets for a starting point of a relationship…

  4. May: V_E_R_Y long story short: my husband and I have been involved in a number of “kink” practices over time. “Swinging” was one. I have seen the rules in practice and it seemed so sad to me the number of couples where the woman was at the bar, getting drunk, seemingly to numb her hurt at seeing her husband making out with the sweet young thang in the corner. Nick is right in the fact that if you have issues with the concept now, those issues will not change if and when you put them into practice. Rather, they will become magnified exponentially and can very easily fracture a relationship irreparably.

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