You have 2 minutes.

I was at my mother’s house today. I went to go set up a VNC server and install a new anti-virus program on my brother’s home computer, which he access remotely from his college dorm room.

(Actually, I should really get around to writing an article about anti-virus services and programs. That’s another one of those cases where people usually end up paying for things they don’t have to.)

Anyway, I came home, made myself some pasta, and while I was eating it (I have yet to finish a bowl), Danica wanted to go out to get cupcakes. It was 11:10, and the bakery closes at 11:30, so we needed to hop to it. We were out the door a couple minutes later.

At the bakery, a male employee was in front of the door, holding a “Sorry, we’re closed!” sign. A few customers were still picking out pastries inside, though. I looked at him and said, “Just two minutes?” He looked back at me, glanced over at Danica, and said, “All right, go ahead.”

I thanked him, stepped inside, and then he said to me, “You have two minutes,” and when Danica stepped in behind me he told her, smiling, “You have four minutes.”

GRRRRROWL!!!

It’s not as if this is the first time something like this has happened to me. The most blatant example of people’s general pigheadedness in this regard I’ve encountered was by a doorman who wouldn’t open a door for me when I was carrying four (that’s 4, as in two more than as many hands I have) hot, large-sized Starbuck’s coffee cups, several dozen napkins, and some sugar packs. I was struggling with the door for at least 30 seconds when a woman walked by, for whom he opened the door, and I managed to slip into the building.

You know, I may not be much to look at, but that’s no reason to treat me any differently than someone who is. And you know what else? I’ve come to terms with the fact that it will mean I am treated differently, across the board, throughout the rest of my life. That’s just the fucked-up, cruel laws of nature and society that happen to make a lot of sense. Sucks for me, but good for the species, I suppose.

Sigh.

The really bothersome thing about the whole thing, and the reason it even stuck with me long enough for me to write this entry, is that I’m not usually affected by this—at all. Sure, it happens all the time, but I don’t usually get pissed about it. I’m pissed about it because I’m not in a secure place regarding my social and sexual abilities right now. This encounter was one of the things that reminded me about that today. The others were some of the things Danica has said about her male co-workers. (She just got a new job at a Barnes and Noble café.)

Again, I’m not usually upset by any of these things. It’s not as if she’s pulling her co-workers into the warehouse and screwing them, either. But apparently I’m insecure enough in this relationship to have that image pop into my head. That’s not good. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to have.

I want to be able to listen to her talk about the cute guys she works with and not feel my heart sink. I want to listen to her talk about the customers who wink at her when she smiles and not feel jealous of them. I even want her to meet someone she likes and wants to get intimate with and be happy for them. (Yes, really.)

But that’s not going to happen right now. I’ve felt too hurt from Danica in the past on this subject to make it a realistic expectation for me. I spent a good deal of time fighting off feelings of failure and guilt about that, too. Well, it’s not my fault. I have some fears and some irrational concerns. I’ve been working through those. Mostly, however, I’ve not got enough trust in her committment to me or our relationship to feel like it would be “no big deal” to have her having casual sexual relationships with other people.

That sort of thing is nothing to take lightly. There is nothing “casual” about a casual other relationship to your partner. And that makes a whole lot of natural sense, too. Sucks for her, but good for the species, I guess.

3 replies on “You have 2 minutes.”

  1. Everyone ought to learn to see first what IS, as opposed to what they THINK (and interpret).
    That is quite hard for creatures who thrive on attributing meaning before assessing reality. You are close though. Close enough to make that jump. This is, in fact what you wrote about before, regarding being aware of your own agend.
    Your observations about your interpretations, capture, nevertheless, something very real – the nature of the “species” for one, and the struggle that exists. A word of advice from a soul, I believe, older than its years… Whatever it is ahead of you? it is way better from where you are, always improving, so the journey is in fact taking you in the right direction. One where your visions of what is better, nicer, preffrable etc… is indeed achievable. I am honored again.

  2. On a second thought, I wanted to respond more specifically. Your point here, in general, is that for some reason (Looks, size, color whatever) you think you cannot assert yourself effectively enough. Further, this “fact” makes you doubt yourself and your abilities in areas which may not be directly related to this incident or another… Well, “my” truth about this is that this is quite the reality of the human condition, if you will. Being omnipotent, always, is DEFINITELY NOT a human trait, leaving us (humans) panting with desire for MORE, BETTER, HIGHER, whatever… That, we already know is also the good thing about being mere mortals… So having to deal with disappointments, and doubts and all is NOT gonna go away. I think, ever. THe question is, how do we respond to that? – While there’s a lot that can be said here, I’d like to focus one aspect alone, which you hinted towards, but I think deserves more emphasis: PERSPECTIVE. Like the ability to cry and shed tears (Attending emotionally), as means for stress and pain control,

  3. Our ability to THINK and even (sometimes) achieve logic, is no less a gem of creation. Using our minds to put things in perspective… know when emotions/passions (positive and negative) derail our perceptions from giving ourselves the best possible shot at interacting EFFECTIVELY with reality, with “the truth”, Striving to remain anchored in the present, rather than be swept backwards to the past, constantly applying upgrades to the software of our lives and the hardware of its frame, by remaining OPEN and accepting the diverse input sreams that time offers on the wave of the present. Hey, you got to start somewhere, right? YOur path is a good one. Believe or not, it is the one you are on, pretty much of your own making, and you seem to know, more than most people know that, that you equipped to maintain and improve your path. So whatever assertion you are craving at times, remember that it is more what you THINK of it. By the way, as an objective (Well, maybe not) bystander, I can tell you, you are FORMIDABLE compared to the norm…. So go figure… Enough for now.

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