I think I have DSPS, or Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I always thought it was insomnia, but now I’m not really sure anymore. With insomnia, you’re tired but you can’t really sleep for some reason. You want to sleep, but can’t. With DSPS, you’re just not tired and so the thought of sleep never really occurs to you until it’s daylight and you’re suddenly (and seemingly inexplicably) exhausted. Then you curl up in bed, wrap yourself in your blanket and vanish into unconsciousness without a second thought. So now I’m not sure if I’m really an insomniac, someone afflicted with DSPS, or somewhere in between.
Days in Review and Apartment Hunting
Today was an interesting day. Yesterday was too. Lately I’ve been unable to do anything productive (yet again) and so I came down with a splitting migraine yesterday. I went out to pick Danica up from her job at the Barnes and Noble café and instantly felt better. This house is like a death trap. Or a black hole. Or something. I’m beginning to really, really hate it.
Today was not nearly as bad. I couldn’t wake up in the morning, just like the past several days. I’ve been having the most bizarre dreams. What makes them so strange is that there’s a common theme of some kind of religious nature through each of them. I can remember several bits of pieces of dreams from each night, and in each case there’s a strong undercurrent of malevolent religious goings-on. I don’t know what to make of them.
Unlike yesterday, however, I had to get myself up and out of here by the afternoon to take a look at two apartments which I might rent for next year. The lease on our (that is, mine and Danica’s) apartment will expire in two month’s time, and since this is a rat-infested shithole, we want out. The apartments I looked at were nice, newly renovated, spacious, and rent-controlled but they are up in my old neighborhood.
(I took Danica’s video camera and made a video record of my visit there so that she could see the apartments, too. She’s not going to be able to come to see them because of her work.)
For 19 years, I have lived in that neighborhood and the last thing I want to do is move back. But these apartments are a rather good deal, if we can knock the price down a little bit. (The fact that the rent price is open for negotiation at all is lucky.) So I’m inclined to take one of them, if I can get them. Still, I loathe the idea of being back where I started—literaly.
When I went up there, I met my mother who wanted to take a look at the apartments as well. Afterwards, we spoke a little and she asked me how work was going. This is not a subject I am currently happy about, because despite what seemed like a promising start, things just haven’t been going anywhere for me. I have managed to snag several projects, and I have even made contacts without the help of my father or other friends. Unfortunately, to date I have only had two for-pay jobs that have been completed.
For what’s coming close to a year now, that’s a horrendous record. Why there have been so few completed projects is part of what’s bugging me so damn much, too; it’s not that I haven’t had any work. On the contrary, I’ve managed to get more work from just handing people my business card on the spot than I have from contacts from friends and family. The trouble is, none of those projects have been upheld until completion. In other words, I get a project, begin discussions with a potential client about this or that job they want done, and then when it’s time to start putting things in motion, the client ditches the project! From what I can gather, they’re not ditching me, they’re just “putting the project on hold for the time being.” That is so incredibly frustrating.
So to make a long story somewhat shorter, I haven’t made much money from any of my freelancing efforts. I’ve been spending the past year improving my skills and generally making my own projects for myself, but the past several days have hammered my failures home very strongly, and I find myself quickly losing motivation to continue my self-instructed studies.
Reading books is the one thing that has kept me going, and as I pointed out a few days ago, Mastering Regular Expressions by Jeffrey E. F. Friedl is one of the best technical reads I’ve ever paged through because it keeps me interested in learning more. I actually find myself writing notes to myself in regular expression notations when applicable.
Blogging has been another thing I’ve not kept up with. And I still need to answer Blondzila’s email. (Again, apologies for not having done that yet. I really do appreciate the fact that you took the time to send me that.) So in an attempt to get myself to write a bit more (and I suppose it worked) I went blogsurfing. It appears others are having problems sleeping as well. Maybe there’s a full moon tonight.
I was laying in bed earlier, however, and fell asleep while cuddling with Danica about two hours ago. I woke up after what was evidently half an hour, however, and now I can’t get back to sleep. I keep thinking about the strangest things, from what it would be like to be in an airplane that crashed to walking through coffee shops (the kinds with the big bags of coffee beans everywhere). Don’t ask me why, I couldn’t tell you.
Tonight’s Earlier Evening Outing
Earlier tonight, I met Danica outside her workplace again because she had asked me to pick her up this morning. I got there just as she was leaving with a co-worker, Dustin, the dorkily cute one she was interested in before but now wants just as a friend. (Apparently Dustin, being the shy and rather introverted person that he is, was somewhat put-off by the forward, hypersexual nature in which Danica approached him, and wanted to be just friends. She’s okay with that.) At first Danica asked me to head on home but after coming all the way out to pick her up I was looking forward to spending some time with her. Danica and Dustin were planning on grabbing sandwhiches someplace and sitting out for a while, and I wanted to join them. Danica (and Dustin) ultimately said that was all right, but I still felt like the third wheel in the group for parts of the evening.
Some form of wierd manic energy took Danica over when we got home. It had her demanding that I go get her a slice of chocolate pudding pie from a nearby bakery and I sensed some anger in my direction when I didn’t want to get up and go. Eventually she simply quieted and went to sleep, despite her own protests that she should remove her makeup first.
So now I’m typing away in the bathroom unsure of what to do with myself. I grabbed the regular expressions book but don’t feel like reading it. I almost want to go out for a cup of coffee at one of the 24 hour diners in the neighborhood because if I end up moving back uptown, that’s not going to be a possibility anymore. I just don’t know.