Phase 3: Coping with the Break Up

First things first: thank you to those who left supportive comments. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine, given the time I need. I don’t know how long that might be, though. Here’s hoping for a quick rebound.

After the early morning’s events, I had fallen asleep on the bed in my clothes. My father woke me up little bit later. He had arrived to the house and was by my bed. We had scheduled this morning as a time to put up shelves and do some much-needed house construction. We completed just about all of that by around four o’clock in the afternoon.

Danica was not home. She had left, after briefly speaking to my father. I think the poor girl is very unstable. I empathize, but I am through being a security blanket for her. It is too far beyond the point at which I need to take care of myself already.

Arguably, I should have broken up with her long ago, at either the first or second time something major like this has happened. But love is a funny thing. As someone told me on IRC the other night, it’s hard not to worry about someone if they keep telling you “I need you,” and “I don’t know what I’d do without you” all the time.

One thing my father told me was, no matter what happens with Danica in the future, that if we get back together, there must be a monogamous commitment to each other; no more open relationships. While I can understand why he said this, and while I’m certain that no matter what I say certain people will believe that the presence of a non-monogamous factor in our relationship is what led to our breakup, I believe that this understanding is greatly missing the point.

Unfortunately, I haven’t sufficient experience to back up my claim that I do not have a problem with my partner having other partners. This is because in each case where my girlfriends sought other partners, they did so in a frivolous manner without taking into account my feelings. As a result, in each case where my girlfriends sought other partners, I have been hurt by their lack of integrity, comittment, and decency.

“Commitment?” you might be asking. “How could there be commitment to you when she was actively seeking out another mate?” The short answer is that there is no reason to believe that seeking out another mate has any negative implications for an existing relationship. The long answer is too long to go into here.

Note: Here’s a helpful way of looking at it that I shared with my father during our discussion. Having a relationship “on the side” is never acceptable because it is entirely exclusive of all other relationships. All relationships, primary or not, must be involved with each other. That doesn’t mean I expected to have sex with Danica’s other partners, but it does mean that I expected to be introduced to them, to talk with them, and to actively accept them into my relationship with her before she began the affair.

Furthermore, any other partner she may have had must have been informed about me and my role from the very beginning and must fully accept that. If they do not accept me and my role then they are effectively rejecting her as well. Or at least, that’s what should happen in a healthy polyamorous relationship. Which, of course, this was not.

However, while I wish the short answer could be applied here (and to my previous girlfriends’ actions), the simple truth is that in every one of my experiences, my girlfriends were seeking out other partners because they were not happy in our relationship. That, as it is said, is a no-no.

I don’t really know why Danica was not happy in this relationship. I have tried talking about that with her many, many times. I’ve been unable to procure anything but an unstable cycling of defensive justifications and outright confusion. God knows I’ve tried. If she was not happy with me, then I am glad we have broken up for both our sakes.

In hindsight, I am rather disappointed in myself for being so naive and so hopelessly lovestruck. For all my enlightenment and emotional perceptiveness, I was simply unable to act upon the one thing I feared most: Danica is a serial monogamist. Randy is merely a more suitable lover for whatever she thinks she needs right now, and I am not as suitable. She may have been physically with me, but she was already looking for her next boyfriend a long time ago.

I remember a conversation I had with her only a few months into our relationship where I expressed the concern that I feared our break up would be inevitable because she would push me away. More than a year, countless broken words, and increasingly unnerving contradictions later, my premonition was proved correct.

Why could I not do something about it back then and save myself the heartache? Love does that to people, though, so at least I’m in good company.

Finally, let me say this: I am proud of me. I was heartbroken, hurt beyond any prior experience (and like nothing I could possibly imagine), and literally exhausted, yet (with the help of my father) I still managed to get two shelves up in my workspace in the living room.

3 replies on “Phase 3: Coping with the Break Up”

  1. your verbal explanation you gave me, was actually better than what you wrote now. I was impressed with how clear you made me feel about the subjetc of polyamory.
    You are a real man. And today you are much ahead…

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