Polyamory Support Channel on IRC

Danica woke me up today like a puppy might have. It was late (almost 2:30 PM), so in preparation for a meeting at five o’clock I made myself breakfast and prepared to go. We didn’t speak much.

After the meeting, at around 6:10 PM, I called home to see if she were here or out with Randy. There was no answer, so I figured she was out with Randy. I gritted my teeth and headed for the subway.

When I got home, I noticed that the lights in our apartment were on. Sure enough, she was home. She was preparing to go out to see Randy. Anger ensued, which mostly consisted of my hitting the punching bag she bought for herself while she did her best to ignore it. (I think I seriously sprained my left thumb’s joint. It hurts a lot.) I then went online to try and find an online polyamory support group of one sort or another. I found a lot of old resources but nothing promising.

Finally I turned to her and apologized for my childish behavior earlier (the punching and the being overtly angry). I was still upset, though. She said she understood and I promptly interjected that no, she did not. She relented and continued to prepare for her date. Despite what she might say, I sincerely (and seriously) doubt she would have an easy time of it if the roles were reversed.

Thankfully, by now, I had found #polyamory on Undernet. Just a plain old IRC channel, but filled with folks who (though sometimes asleep at the keyboard) live and talk about polyamory. I had just begun speaking with a very kind lady about my situation when Danica was ready to go out.

I told her that I had found an IRC polyamory support channel (though I realize now that’s not exactly what it is) and she said, “That’s great.” Sort of made me feel like she thinks I’m seeking “help” for something. Whatever. I told her, “Please come home at a reasonable time,” and she responded “I’ll try.” Which is both absurd and inconsiderate, but whatever. I said again, “Please come home at a reasonable time.”

When she had gone, I went back to IRC and spoke with the supportive woman in #polyamory until nearly 12 midnight. Danica had not called once. Nevertheless, I was feeling a lot better about everything. I started preparing myself some dinner.

At just about 1 o’clock in the marning, the phone rang. I picked it up and said hello. It was Danica; she said hello. There was silence. I asked her what was up and how she was. She said fine and tired. I asked when she was coming home. She said she wanted to stay over. She said she fell asleep on the sofabed again. She made some lame excuse about how it’s cold outside and she was too tired.

I chuckled. Was the girl serious? So I asked again, “When are you coming home?” She said, “Well, I’ll leave at about 6 in the morning and—” I cut her off and asked when she’d be coming home tonight. When she didn’t answer, I asked her if she really thought it was okay with me that she stays over there tonight.

When she still didn’t answer, I said, “No, of course it’s not.” Still, all I got was silence from her. So I asked quite plainly, “Are you going to stay there tonight?” Finally, a response: “Yeah.” I almost had to laugh. “Fine,” I said. “Goodnight.” And with that, I hung up the phone.

Such childish and utterly disrespectful behavior is the best way to ensure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I won’t take her word for very much in the future. Is that what she wants? Like it or not, that’s what she’s going to get if she doesn’t change her attitude.

That sounds like I’m angry. I am. I’m pretty hurt. I feel like I’m being treated like a doormat. I’m not a doormat. I won’t let myself be treated like one this time. And, interestingly, that resolution makes me feel surprisingly good.

Important points I forgot to mention:

  • When she called, she made sure to mention that she had “observed all your rules,” by which she means she didn’t do anything except some cuddling and kissing. This particular phrasing of having “rules needing to be observed” was not mine. Thus the question, “Who are you rebelling against, Danica?”
  • Yesterday, Danica assured me she would not be out tonight. She would go out in the afternoon and be home before late. Before she left, when I brought this up, I was told that she had “changed her mind.” This resulted in my saying, “Oh, I see. And when will you actually do what you first say you will?” angrily. Thanks to tonight, I can safely rest my case.

4 replies on “Polyamory Support Channel on IRC”

  1. I don’t tolerate this. A woman’s perogative does not extend to changing her mind whenever she feels like doing something that would cause her partner pain after she has agreed not to do said thing.

    I believe Danica appreciates me for who I am. I also believe she does not know how to express what she wants.

    Suffice it to say, that my concern stems from knowing that if things continue in this manner, they will not last much longer.

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