More Motivation Melancholy

I have been struggling with motivation woes once again. It is pretty annoying, actually, that most of the times when I have an opportunity to do something I would ordinarily really enjoy working on the main thing holding me back is me. Frankly, that’s just unacceptable but I’ve yet to find a workable solution for this monstrosity of a problem.

Fights with Danica Continue

Danica and I have been fighting somewhat frequently over the past few days. I fault myself for it just as much as I cite her (possibly unconsciousness) instigations. I have asked her not to talk on the phone with Randy when I can’t get away from it (i.e. whenever we’re both in the apartment) and if she should talk to him online I have asked her not to tell me about it. Most recent fights started because he or something to do him was the subject of conversation.

I don’t even know if they are fights so much as just frustrating arguments. When she tells me something like how she “prefers” to communicate with the minimal amount of words as possible pretty much across the board, I get frustrated because it was that mentality, incongruent with several other supposed principles or goals that she holds, that caused our break up. I keep thinking (and occasionally saying) “And how’s that working out for you?” with the obvious implication being that it doesn’t, and that it should probably be obvious by now.

But it is utterly useless, I know, to even attempt such arguments. For one reason or another, and probably more than a single one, she is unwilling to accept what I say and in all fairness I am unwilling to accept what she says. We keep butting heads and the only thing we do is feed our mutual frustration with the other. I think that by now we are both looking forward to when she will move out.

Side Notes on Moving Out

Things have been slow going in her quest for a new apartment. She has decided that Randy’s apartment is the perfect one for her (or is at least in the perfect location), and since he is moving out she has been hopeful that she can get the apartment. Of course, it has taken until yesterday for her to get the realtor’s number, and she has still made no phone call to either her mother or the realtor regarding her specific intentions to move in there.

Nevertheless, regardless of what happens, the locks are being changed on March 30th and she will not be given an extra key. One already broke, but my landlord has not called me back about fixing the door. I will have to call back again, and then again, and then probably yet again.

Going to the Gym

One of the reasons I have not been writing as much lately is because I am tired and (get this) able to sleep full nights these days. When my brother came home over Presidents’ Day weekend I started going with him to the gym. He showed me how to use the erg machine (the one that simulates rowing) and I’ve been keeping a pretty consistent routine with that.

After the work out, we go to eat. In the evening, I am so tired that I have managed to sleep eight hour nights or longer. I’ve been shooting for sleeping between eight and ten hours because that’s the window in which your body can recover from the previous day’s work out, or so I’m told.

Getting out to the gym is a bigger hassle than I would have liked. I have to take the subway downtown because there is no New York Sports Club in my neighborhood. Also, the membership is crazy expensive. I don’t yet feel like it’s worth the money, but I am willing to give it some time. Their stupid ten day trial is not a reasonable timeframe with which to judge the effectiveness of a gym anyway, so I’ve resigned to paying through the nose for the time being.

All Comes Back to Money and Motivation

Of course, that means I’m pretty strapped for cash, or will be when all the bills roll on in. I just recently paid my first (prorated) Verizon telephone bill for my new landline. I am thinking about cutting off long-distance service, since I don’t really use that often anyway.

The only thing to do, then, is make more money. That’s where it all comes back to motivation. The programming job I got that I’m having trouble getting started with is a small project to build an extranet for a company’s promotional sales so that communication between folks in radically disperate timezones will be eased.

The trouble with this project for me right now is that it is not directly in my field of expertise. I can do it, but instead of feeling motivated I feel overwhelmed and outclassed. If this were a CSS project or some other web front-end work, I don’t think I’d feel this way, but it is instead mostly a back-end programming job that I simply haven’t the guts to tackle right now.

Things to Do

  • Buy a Squash racquet in preparation for playing Squash on, hopefully, a regular basis.
  • Call my dentist to proceed with the tooth implant appraisal. (Fuck, it’s past four. I guess this will have to wait until tomorrow. Again.)
  • Get the programming job started, at the very least.
  • If not, then at least work on Maymay Media’s web site, which for now is actually front-end only.
  • If all else fails, I should have gone to the gym today, but it is already five o’clock and I don’t think I’ll realistically make it out.
  • Try not to mope for the rest of the day.

One reply on “More Motivation Melancholy”

  1. Asking her not to bring Randy up when you are around, (either by avoiding talking on the phone or telling you about him,) is fair enough, but policing her is not going to work, nor will your counter actions such as making it hard for her to do these things (as you mention in the next entry). My advice: Ask YOURSELF to ignore it graciously – consider that a MENTAL WORK OUT – until you no longer have to deal with it.

    I am inspired to start working out too. Please help me.

Comments are closed.