I wrote this on July 27, 2009, a little over a year ago:
Not long ago I moved to San Francisco, California in order to make a fresh start for myself in a number of different ways. Creating a new home turns out to be a ton of work, especially since I had almost nothing except for a bunch of clothes and my computer with me. I had no housewares, and after spending a week literally putting blisters in my feet trying to find an apartment in which to live, for the first few nights I ate delivery with plastic utensils out of tupperware.
Soon enough, though, and with the help of some inspirational friends (most notably Susan Mernit, Sarah Dopp, James Carp, Emms, and Gabrielle and Tara) things started to come together. I visited Ikea twice for some furniture, but a lot of the other things in my apartment from the futon I sleep on to the plates I eat off of came from friends. I even got a microwave as I started to make mental lists of the things I needed.
Then, without publishing those words, I stopped writing. A year passed. In that time, a lot happened. But San Francisco is no more home today than it was before I arrived. If anything, I feel more out of place than ever. More alone than ever.
I am struggling. No one who thinks they know me, who sees all the stuff I do, no one knows how hard each and every day is for me. No one.
I have some unfinished posts like that about moving “back home” to Los Angeles after living in New York City for two years when I lost my job in November 2008.
You’re right: I can’t say I know how hard it is for you, but I know some of it. I don’t see what you do; hell, I don’t even work in your field.
But I hope you’ll keep doing what you do… because it needs to be done. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that people need to realize how important KinkForAll and KinkOnTap (among your other projects) are, and they will.
I’d like to offer more, but I don’t know how to do that online and I’m not in your area (and you’re not in mine). I just wanted to tell you that you inspire me. Thank you for sticking your neck out when the rest of us are afraid to.
What are you struggling with? Is there a place you write about this? I’m interested to hear more, if that’s ok.
I can relate to this and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
I sometimes try to actively hide how bad I feel but other times I desperately wish that someone would notice.
I hope sharing this helps you.
maymay, I’m sorry you are feeling so down right now. I’m wondering if things are ok between you and E. Or is it that all the attacks on you are wearing you down?
You are endearingly honest and fragile and lovely and I’d like to hold you gently in my arms.
I have met you over the span of 2 days.
At the risk of sounding creepy, 2 days I have looked over your blogs (I got started at the submission picture blog) stumbled over Eileen’s old one and returned back to you. Following the breadcrumbs of thoughts with my curiosity piqued.
From only what I’ve managed to read and absorb so far, I can say that you seem to be very intelligent, thoughtful, and kind… just simply recording yourself – beauty, cracks, and all.
You seem to be an amazing person. I sincerely hope things improve for you.