|In a rare insight||The main issue, for me anyway, is the speed my mind is racing. It is a source for a lot of anxiety and frustration. Racing thoughts is a known phenomenon, and in my free typing I am constantly trying to race against my thoughts, to somehow record them so that they don't get lost...
To illustrate this point I would like to use something my dad wrote after a very unique experience we had together. This is a part of letter my dad wrote (in January 1998 - I was 13 and a half then) to my psychiatrist.
"In a rare insight, I got him to talk to me last night in a way we never experienced before. I realized that he is experiencing a constant sense of loss. A special kind of loss. He is loosing himself - he constantly wants to say things, to unload himself of the barrage of thoughts and ideas which flood his mind. He is always behind himself, trying desperately to chase and capture what he conceives as even the faintest trail of his "half baked ideas" to communicate them to me, and to other significant people in his life. But he had learned from experience that he must surrender to his lack of ability to do that. Instead, he ends up with a miserable, poor, and devastating (for him) : "Never mind..." - he forgets what he wanted to say. When this happens, and it happens ALL the time, he feels "like and idiot" and he wants to"punch myself"... and this description, I feel, does nothing to convey how deep is his sense of loss.
So I told him to sit in front of the computer and SAY nothing. Instead, I asked him to answer my questions by typing them. I also asked him to be honest, and as outrageous as he can be. This seemed to UNLOCK many closed doors.
First, his typing is quite phenomenal. He is capable of typing as fast as he talks, sometimes even faster. Thoughts and ideas are not escaping him as much while typing. Committing his words to the keyboard, seemed to help him harness some degree of order and organized thinking patterns, slowing down the information flow to manageable speed, which is exceedingly fast as it is. Having his thoughts form visually on the screen and stay there, calmed him considerably. He then proceeded into"SAVING" them, by saving the file. Whatever he said to me will never belost. He said this was a unique and exciting experience for him. His mood, which was desperately depressed before, causing him to cry bitterly, changed into a complete calm.
We conversed like that for about half an hour. During this conversation he said things I never heard him saying before just like that, and display an incredibly mature self awareness. Not that it was hard for me to guess that this was what he experienced. But the important thing was that HE was able to form these observations, express them fully (as fully as he felt needed - leaving him content that he did not "loose" anything...) and most important: SAVE THEM. (as opposed to lose them). We felt very close to each other. Closer than ever.)"
|11/15/1998 approx. 6:40 PM EST (originally in two long paragraphs.)||Well, I don't know what's going through my mind. It's been like this for about a day now. I've been awake, conscious in a way. I talked to people, a friend even came over. But even during that time I've been out of it. Not dizzy or anything, but...I'm not here. I'm not present anymore. It's like my body is working on its own, while my mind and spirit are just wandering through different dimensions. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I've never before felt like this in my life. For the past few hours I've been bombarding my ears with blasting headphone music, maybe trying to get my mind back into my body? Well, whatever I'm trying to do, it's not working. I feel extremely lonley and alone. Kind of cold...in a metaphorical sort of way. I made myself some dinner, and kept the music on the whole time, too. My thoughts were running rampant then too...I had just talked to a friend of mine from AOL and told her just a little bit about how I felt. Nothing detailed of course. She has her own problems to deal with and I didn't want to burden her with mine.
But anyway, when I was eating I was contemplating coming to my father with this interesting little perdicament. It may be the reason why I flipped yesterday, and didn't want to fill out an application form for a new school I might actually have a chance at joining. And wanting to join too (a real accomplishment). I don't want to blow it...and I'm sure he knows that...but I just can't bring myself to do the application form. It has the normal "when were you born and where do you live" questions, but the school is also not typical, so they give you questions to see how you think! I love that about the school, think it's great...but...how can I answer questions like that if I constantly confuse myself? Hey, that's why I'm writing now. I guess this is kind of a journal. I mean, not exactly cuz I don't really write every day, but at least I can get some thoughts on paper. Or...disk.
Huh...I just checked to see if a friend came online...I thought I saw my buddy list flash. It didn't. Oh well...but that brings me to another interesting point. I can't write when I'm not online. Tell me that isn't strange. Every time I write, if it's my Webpage, my short story, or something like this...I'm online! And...when I'm not...I can't think! Or, I think of other things. I just don't write. I don't know why either. That's why it's hard to write in my writing class, though I CAN get IDEAS for what to write HERE, over there. I know, confusing. Ugh. Well...maybe it's about that lonelyness thing. I really really need to be around people. That may bring me back. I hope so...again, it's like I'm stuck between two dimensions, my body in the physical world, but my mind wandering around. It could be the bipolarness acting up. God, I hope it's not that. Or maybe I do, cuz that means this is a low...and that means soon a high will come. But then that means a low will come again. And I don't want that.
Damn computers...I was just asked if I wanted to stay online. According to them, I have been "idle" for a while. What do they know? I'm never idle. I try to be sometimes...but I mean...is anyone? Ever? No! You always think, so you're not idle. But that's besides the point. What was I talking about? Well, I forgot again. [just scrolled up to see what I wrote] Wow, for some reason I was pretty on-track for a while. I'm listening to Alegria, the CD my dad gave me. Icare, track number 9 is playing. Not my favorite, but it's a really nice song. I've listened to Quidam and The Truman Show (2 times) already...also half of the Jurrassic Park CD. Once, I felt like I was in some abstract, surreal universe for a moment. It felt strangely wonderful. I can't really tell anymore, since time is starting to play tricks on me, but I think it was an hour or two ago when that happened. This morning it took forever to reach 1 o'clock. Then from 4-5 I had been able to swear I turned fifty 8 times. But yesterday...well...actually I hardly remember yesterday. I don't like that either. I'm not anchored anymore. Not like I ever was, too strongly...but at least I knew what time it was and what I was doing when I looked at the clock! Now I'm just listening to the Alegria CD again...I'm kinda going blank. Ooh, new track.
Well, let's see if I can harness some of my other thoughts from before. [scrolls up and reads what I wrote] Umm...nope, I can't remember. But I do remember that I wanted to show my dad an IM conversation with one of my friends that I stupidly closed before saving. So I'll just see what I can remember before I loose it all. Okay, let's think...the important parts were the parts where I was talking about wierd things that she said began to scare her. Ha...well, okay, um, she noticed that I wasn't very talkative (which is not like me when I'm online and in a good mood), so she asked what was up. I told her I was feeling a little depressed because I felt so alone. But I already talked a bit about that. Then I said that if she would have met me in real life instead of on AOL, she would not have recognized me as the same person as I was on AOL.
I'm not the same, not the same at all. In real life I don't talk very much to other kids my age unless they talk to me first and I'm MUCH shyer. I'm not going to stay in the back of the room, cover my head with my jacket and just sit there, but forget about starting a conversation. Slowly that's beginning to change, but I still don't start conversations...anyway....Um, sorry...trailed there for a minute.
ANYWAY! I've been spending a helluva lot of time online. Way more than average people do, and there's no doubt in my (or my dad's mind) that I'm addicted to AOL. I mean, it's painfully obvious. I'm online now and all I'm doing is writing this, something I don't NEED to be online for, but that helps me immensely. I guess I feel...disconnected if I'm not connected! Makes sense, doesn't it? Well, it would if I were some sort of electronic. Uh, I'm trailing again. Back to my point. So I spend a lot of time online. In fact, I spend so much time here that I've developed two completely different...or mostly different personalities. I even refer to being online as a place! And I didn't mean to...but anyway, let's call the real life, physical Meitar, "IRLMeitar" and the newer, online, more outspoken Meitar, "OLMeitar," okay? Good.
OLMeitar obviously stems from IRLMeitar. Now this is the part which confuses me even, so I don't expect you to understand. My brain bombs when I try to understand it, so I'm working from my heart now. Anyway, OLMeitar has become like an extension, or an addition to IRLMeitar, so much so that I'm not even sure anymore which of the Meitars includes more of my original personalities. It's so far beyond me that it's a little scary. Maybe both of them are me, and then I'll be just...well, me, with two sides to me. I guess. But maybe not. And maybe yes. And then...well, maybe some of this is only wishful thinking, and I in myself don't REALLY think believe all of this confusing talk of multiple me's, but wish it were true? Could that be? That was rhetorical, by the way. Somehow...I don't feel like an answer, nor do I expect one. There was more, but I don't remember a lot of it. And everytime I say it over or think about it about a dozen new ideas and thoughts pop into my mind. I can't possibly trace them all, so...soo...soooo...wait, something's not right. Oh, I know...the music's gone. No wonder I can't think. Let me put in...hmm...Truman Show, or Quidam? Or Alegria again? Alegria. I haven't heard a lot of it lately. I'll be right back.
Okay, I'm back now. [is humming along with the begginning of "Alegria"]
Um, kie. Well, I'm a bit drained now. I feel better though. I'm glad I was able to write this. Hah! What luck. The instant I thought THAT sentence about a thousand new worries flooded me. Well, I don't want to talk about them now. Or think about them, but that's much harder to control. Aba, I think I WILL show this to you. I...
I need your help. And I don't know how to ask, what to ask for, or why I need it...
|4/10/1999 approx. 12:20 PM EST||I haven't done this in a while. I figured since another mood swing struck it was due time to start again.
Well okay. Here's the situation: I feel the disorder in full swing again, so my thoughts are going pretty fast, and I had another mood swing. Come to think of it, two mood swings. The mania lasted for twelve hours though, so that was lucky. A friend of mine came over at about 11, and by 12 I was pretty much up and running. My friend, my brother and I all went downtown on the A train. Then we took the C uptown and walked to the billiard parlor. We spent the next three hours playing. It was quite fun, and both my brother and I actually didn't get any worse.
So far everything was going very well indeed and I was feeling 'normal.' I guess by that I mean having fun. Well, we left at about 4:00 PM and then my brother left to go to my dad's house. My friend and I both went the opposite direction--to the movie theater. We planned to see "10 Things I Hate About You" and we did. All in all, a pretty bad yet funny and entertaining teenager movie. I enjoyed it, more for the simple act of watching a movie that was targetted for "average" teenagers than anything else, and after that we both ate a slice of pizza. I thought my braces would hurt, which they did, but not nearly as much as I thought they would. That was encouraging, and I think I'll be able to at least enjoy more of the foods I like with these things.
Well let's see. We were both sort of tired, and it was raining so the pace of everything seemed to slow down and mellow out--including our moods. We ended up talking about my education, which for some reason always happens when I'm talking to friends offline (and that's starting to bug me). The problem is there's just not that much else to talk about, and the conversation always just drifts that way. I think. Well so anyway, he asked a lot of questions like "What are you learning now?" and "What advantages do you have in Home Instruction verses those you'd have in a High School." Things like that.
I think maybe it was brought up because of the movie. He's not in High School yet, and I'm convinced there's no hope that I'm ever gonna have a typical adolescence so maybe he was curious, or anxious. I dunno. We were going back home and talking too. We used the A train before he switched to the 1 train.
Well I came home, and had cereal to eat (another food I didn't thin I could eat with braces). My dad called and told me to take my medicines then, but I said I'd do it when I finished eating the cereal. So I watched T.V. 'til I finished it. Then I got started on preparing the depakote, but progress was dreadfully slow. I was talking online, watching TV and preparing the depakote all at once. Remember, I have to open the capsules because I can't swallow pills (ick).
I finally took the depakote about an hour after I started preparing it, and at that time my mom came home. Things went on without incident for a little while longer, about 40 minutes, and then my mom began to get on my back about the lithium. I still hadn't taken it, and it was nearing midnight. She probably told me about 4 or 5 times to do it, though I only remember three times. Finally she blows up or something, and shells out non-stop chattering about how I need to take the meds sooner and about how "we've fallen back to square one" for more than a consecutive 120 seconds. Yes, I timed it.
I also remember that for a major portion of that time I lost track of time and space completely. The only reason I know it was more than 2 minutes straight was because when I looked at the VCR clock again, it had changed from 12:04 AM to 12:06 AM. I think I was just staring straight into the computer screen for about 80 or 90 of those seconds. I remember that period in time like a still frame in a movie sequence. After things started moving again, it was hard not to make a fist. My jaw also locked (quite firmly) into place and I haven't been able to move it since. Well, except to mumble a few words to my brother in the kitchen, talking about leukemia or something.
Anyone from my SIM group who could have seen the switch in attitude would have probably noted, "Hey--that's Tesir!" and they'd be right. Either that or maybe a really loose version of the Terminator. With curly hair. I wonder what Arnold Shwartza-what-do-you-call-him would look like with my kind of hair. Ick. He would not have become an actor, that's for sure.
Did you know I have to breathe through my nose entirely when I'm like this? I can't open my mouth, so I breathe through my nose. At least there's some benefit to this mood--cleaner air. Sorry, I'm loosing track.
Well the point is that it's about time I had another mood swing. Things were going so well I was beginning to get worried. I don't know if we're "back at square one" but it sure feels like I've taken a step back. Loneliness was high today too, but that is most likely a result of the movie. Then again, I'd rather be lonely than have friends like that (most of the people in the movie), so I'm not sure which is more desireable: misery or apathy.
I'm gonna go now, I have nothing more to say.
|4/20/1999 at 1:39 AM EST||Free typing. This style of writing really is very helpful, and recently I've had a lot to say and not a lot of people to say it too. Even when I've tried to talk to people it's been tough, my mom included, though I did give my best effort.
So, I'm going to just free type for a while and see if, during the time that I'm free typing, I can get what I want to say out (at long last). Just think of it as an experiment. Okay, I'll do that. Now, to begin:
I went to the weekend thinking it was going to be pretty boring, as usual. Which I guess for some parts, it really was. Though seeing my baby brother again was a lot of fun, he usually prefers to play with Shir and not me. Y'know, when I think about that, it's sort of sad for me, because he's already 2 years old, and he VERY actively prefers Shir over almost everyone else (except "Aba" which means "dad" in Hebrew). Well that's mostly my fault anyway, when he was younger and I was in a worse point of depression than I am now I really just sat around flipping through TV channels and sitting at the computer. But I can't get mad at him even if it wasn't really my fault. Hehe.
Um, okay. Anyway, I went to my dad's house over the weekend and I also brought the manual to a game called "SimLife" which is really more of a teacher's tool to teach genetics. The "game" was developed, created, and produced by a company called Maxis, famous only for it's SIM-series of game-like simulators. Mostly, all the games are geared towards teachers at various educational levels to use as a tool to teach their classes, and so the manuals are written with that goal in mind. Quite obviuosly, I'm no teacher, but reading a manual written for teachers is quite fun.
Oh, by the way, I'm also watching a program on The Learning Channel called "Intimate Universe: The Human Body" which is, in this episode, showing the biological changes during puberty. Sooo...I'm sort of taking short 2-3 minute breaks between a few of these sentences. But anywho. Where were I? :) Oh right.
So I went to my dad's bringing the manual, but I didn't have the game itself (long story). Instead, my teacher let me borrow Maxis' SimEarth game, and I loaded that onto my computer back home a few days before I came to my dad's house. During those three days, my teacher didn't 'think I came up for air' because I was almost ALWAYS playing it. It really was a fascinating game. The level of detail on the simulation, though nothing compared to reality, is the most detailed I've seen, and so I simply took to it. Without reading the electronic manual, and after only three days, I had covered about 20 units of what would have been the Earth Science curriculum.
:) Whoever tells me home instruction can't work has just lost all hope of convincing me that their right. Annnnnnd the show ended. That means it's 2 AM. But on with free typing.
After those three days, I came to my dad's house, all eager and excited to--GRR! AOL just kicked me offline. So I had to wait until I came back online to continue typing. Now it's 2:04 AM.--...all eager and excited to tell him [my dad] of what I had learned playing SimEarth. So that Friday night, we began to discuss it. But the most important breakthrough happened Saturday morning, when, after we left home to go eat at a restaurant and see the movie "The Matrix", we had another discussion while eating.
I had woken up that morning typically quite pissed off at nothing in particular and very grumpy. We then walked towards the movie theater, but stopped at a diner a few blocks away to eat breakfast. I remember that before ordering, I had sat down at the table and, probably, slumped down in my seat or lowered my head or something like that. And my dad then started talking about SimEarth, asking me something about it. The clearest thing I remember is that my first reaction was to smirk (invisibly, to myself, of course) and think that my dad was asking me about the game in order to lift my spirits.
Well, weather he was trying to do that or if he was sincerely asking the question (or both), it led to at-least-an-hour-long talk involving issues ranging from the evolution of humankind to the creation, and natural maintenance of planets, climates, and ecosystems, to terraforming, philosophical theories about what the future may be like, and at least a dozen new realizations for me.
My dad also suggested I write them down--but, I didn't want to do that, and didn't want to give him an explanation. I will show this to him so I'll write the reason now: the reason I didn't want to write the realizations at the time was because I knew that if I tried to do that during a time when I was actually HAVING those realizations, the "curse" of intensley fast thoughts, which, by the way, are plagueing me at this very moment, would cause me to probably loose track or in the worst case maybe even forget the point of what I wanted to type. At least if I do it without an aim (or actually without a SPECIFIC aim), I may be ensuring a higher percentage of success in actually remembering and recording those realizations.
And now I continue the free typing. :) Okay, so, I was sayyyyinnng....Oh yah, our discussion in the diner. Well, one of the realizations (the one easiest to remember), is that I FINALLY understand, at least to a higher degree, the full(er) impact of just how LONG it takes for changes in evolution of anything (planets, life, species, technology...) really takes, and I now understand to a better degree the different time SCALES at which the game is played. For example, on the geologic timescale I can make 500 million years pass in a matter of minutes. I could turn the world's continents into entirely new land formations. And it would take only a few seconds to blanket the whole planet in ice, in comparison with, let's say, the technological timescale, in which, even on the fastest speed available, I couldn't make 1 million years pass if I waited hours!
Ummm...darn. There's a lot more, but I can't write anymore for some reason. I HATE that feeling. In words it was hard enough, but even in writing it seems sometimes I can't find the right words. Or something. Augh. Before I start getting mad at...at...I'm just gonna go. But I have a feeling I'm gonna do more of these free typing things. I like them.
|Freetyping is one way of expressing your feelings through writing. It seems to be popular with bipolars and is a great way of getting thoughts down on paper (or disk). If you'd like to share any free writing entries you've written or any other piece of writing such as a poem or short piece of pros, I'd be happy to read and post it. If you wish, I will not disclose your identity so that all posts can remain confidential and private. Email me at AnakinXolo@aol.com|